Hello.  I lost My Mum just over 8 weeks ago and i can relate to several of your circumstances and feelings. The loss of our Mothers is like nothing else; it is so exructiatingly painful.  As you say, people say that our Mothers' wouldn't want us to be unhappy; they would want us to get some pleasure and enjoyment out of life. I know this is true; my Mum would so want that. But, as you know, it is not that easy.

I, like you, do not have a partner or children but I have some friends and family who are very supportive. It is the time on my own which is especially difficult.

I am waiting to get some counselling and I am putting quite a lot of hope in this. I see it had not helped you. Do you feel there is any particular reason why?

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the time we’re on our own that is the worst and even though I live in LA and my Mum lived in London we spent a lot of time together and spoke 3 times a day on the phone. I never felt alone like I do now. I do have good friends and some family but it’s not the same as having someone who loves you unconditionally and always has your back. Counseling didn’t help me as they just listened to me talking and didn’t offer any ways to cope with my feelings. I talk to friends anyway so it made me resentful paying them to just listen. I think I may go to a psychiatrist or a support group or both as I’m truly fearful that in a really down time I may take my own life. 

I hope counseling helps you, I really do. People on here help more though in my opinion.

Hi Linda,

Thanks for replying and the advice and info. It’s funny how people on here that I have never met are more supportive than some of my ‘friends’. As we know you can’t imagine the pain until you’ve experienced it. Hope you’re doing ok.

best,

Melissa xo

Hi everyone. I’m new to the forum. Actually never wrote in a forum before in my life. I’m 25, just lost my mum 5 weeks ago to lung cancer, it was a long and tough battle & she fought so well. She declined very rapidly after she seen me get engaged on Xmas day. I was okay at first but now it’s really hit me and I’m struggling to get through the days. The images of her still haunt me as her death was very graphic and I feel cheated as we never got to say a last goodbye or love you. I know she loved me but I feel like I haven’t had real closure as it all happened so fast and I was so naive about it all, I wish someone could of told me what to expect or that I had talked about it with her beforehand. Anyway I’m not too sure what I’m expecting to come from writing this but I feel like I’m a bore to my friends as they aren’t in my shoes and don’t know what to say. Thanks for lending me your ears. Em

hi em,

so so sorry to hear about your Mum. I know exactly how you feel and it’s been 4 months for me and is still hard. Find a friend that is sympathetic and talk to them. I’ve had some that are great but others who haven’t been nice. I have been to some therapists that did nothing but have finally found one that is helping me. You should try and find a therapist you like. If you don’t feel that one is helping don’t waste time with them just look for another until you find the right one. Is your partner sympathetic? The way I’ve got through so far is to plan things ahead, whether it’s work or doing something with friends and then I feel I have to honour my commitments because I have felt suicidal but this stops me. There’s lots of us on here that know what you’re going through so please reach out whenever you need to. All my best, M. 

Hi Melissa. Not been on for a little while. How are things with you? I wish I could say that I am feeling a bit better but I'm not really. I have had four counselling sessions which seem helpful at the time but when I leave nothing seems to  have changed.  Perhaps it takes time to  start working. Also, I had my first birthtday without Mum which wasn't great.  Just try and keep plugging away.

Hopw you are seeing some improvement,

Lewis

Hi Lewis,

Still not great. I had my first birthday without my Mum too and we had the same birthday. I visited her grave on the day and that was extremely sad for me. I’ve had 2 counseling sessions and same here, helpful at the time but go back to feeling the same way a little after. Sorry you’re still feeling sad too. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel better

I pop back occasionally to find out how youa re doing and am sorry that you are still struggling in this way.  Stay with the counselling - have you told the counsellor that the benefits are at the moment only helping during the time you are with her/him. It is never easy and you should anything that helps you at all.  I still "talk" occasionally to my mum and my dad  even thoughit is a long time since they died and bizarre as it  might sound it is a nice thing to do.  Everyone has their own method and timescale for grieving and as long as you are doing no harm to yourelf or anyone else (which I am pretty sure your mum would hate you to do) do whatever feels right for you. Can I ask: are there any particular things that you feel you would like to have done before your mum's death or is it just general grieving pain that is dragging you down?  Annie

Hi Annie,

Thanks for checking on me. Yes I wish I hadn’t been in such denial, I thought she would get better and so even though I came home a lot I also carried on going back to LA and Ny for work and didn’t spend as much time as I should have with her and also didn’t talk to her about her diagnosis really as I think we both wanted to remain positive. I keep searching for messages from her and torture myself that I didn’t comfort her enough. I also torture myself thinking I should have saved her. She was my world and my only reason for being. I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m just going through the motions. My Uncle passed this week too. It’s all unbearably sad. I haven’t told my counselor that it’s only for a short time I feel better but he is great, better than anyone else I’ve seen. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Hi again.  I did read read your post shortly after you made it but have been struggling with computer problems - I am not very good at long technical words and sentences but think I have finally got my new router installed and it seems to be okay!    My poor love, you could not have saved your mum much as you feel that the sheer power of love should have conquered her illness.    It also appears that you were trying to fall in with what you felt your mum would have wished by remaining positive - I know it is so easy to beat yourself up with hindsight but - being a mum myself - I am pretty sure your mum would not have felt anything other than love and care from you.  Threre appears to have been other family members also and I  cannot imagine - from the posts from you that I have read - that your mum would have ever felt any lack of love and attention.  When you are a mum you don't think of making demands on the love of your children but instead are so pleased that they are well and happy - that is what parents really want from them.  We don't think they owe us anything but when as in your case you were giving regular love and care (I bet she didn't think you were falling short) she will have been proud and happy with the daughter she has raised.    Try and just think of the time you did have together - it is all too easy to imagine that you were not doing enough.  I am sorry that your uncle has also died - were you close to him?  You are finding - as we all do as we grow older - that the people who we thought were a permanent part of our lives are in fact will not always be there.  Life has his its great happinesses and its unbearable griefs.  Your mum would hate to feel that you were beating yourself up over her last weeks and months.  Talk to your counsellor and don't be hard on yourself.  Annie

Hi,

Thinking of you today and all on the forum who are facing our first mothers day without our beautiful mums. My husband is cooking in the kitchen and I have tears quietly falling. My mum was such a strong woman, trying not to let her down.

x

Hi M, 

It's been a while since my first post. Thank you listening/ reading my thoughts and replying. I done as you suggested and kept busy over the past few months. Throwing myself into a new job role has really helped. I think about mum a lot each day but it's not the first thought on my mind each morning anymore, some days this makes me feel guilty as though I have forgotten about her but others it makes me realise I'm growing stronger. It's strange because people always say it will get easier and although it does in a way, I really believe it also doesnt and we simply learn to cope and shape our lives around the missing void they leave behind. How are you doing M? Is the councilling on going?  Em 

Hi M, 

It's been a while since my first post. Thank you listening/ reading my thoughts and replying. I done as you suggested and kept busy over the past few months. Throwing myself into a new job role has really helped. I think about mum a lot each day but it's not the first thought on my mind each morning anymore, some days this makes me feel guilty as though I have forgotten about her but others it makes me realise I'm growing stronger. It's strange because people always say it will get easier and although it does in a way, I really believe it also doesnt and we simply learn to cope and shape our lives around the missing void they leave behind. How are you doing M? Is the councilling on going?  Em 

Thanks Em’s glad you’re feeling a bit better. I have some moments where I think I’ll be ok but then bam it hits me like a juggernaut again and I break down. I try and keep busy too. The counseling helps a little but not enough. I’m going to a grief support group next week to see if that helps more. Let me know how you’re getting on.