Hello.  I lost My Mum just over 8 weeks ago and i can relate to several of your circumstances and feelings. The loss of our Mothers is like nothing else; it is so exructiatingly painful.  As you say, people say that our Mothers' wouldn't want us to be unhappy; they would want us to get some pleasure and enjoyment out of life. I know this is true; my Mum would so want that. But, as you know, it is not that easy.

I, like you, do not have a partner or children but I have some friends and family who are very supportive. It is the time on my own which is especially difficult.

I am waiting to get some counselling and I am putting quite a lot of hope in this. I see it had not helped you. Do you feel there is any particular reason why?

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the time we’re on our own that is the worst and even though I live in LA and my Mum lived in London we spent a lot of time together and spoke 3 times a day on the phone. I never felt alone like I do now. I do have good friends and some family but it’s not the same as having someone who loves you unconditionally and always has your back. Counseling didn’t help me as they just listened to me talking and didn’t offer any ways to cope with my feelings. I talk to friends anyway so it made me resentful paying them to just listen. I think I may go to a psychiatrist or a support group or both as I’m truly fearful that in a really down time I may take my own life. 

I hope counseling helps you, I really do. People on here help more though in my opinion.

Thank you for responding.  I thought I had felt alone and lonely in the past but this is on a completely higher level.  Me and My Mum were extremely close. There were only a handful of days when we didn't see each other - the last one over 6 years ago.  What you say about friends and other family members is so true - no one cares for you like your Mother. She is there for  you 100% of the time. 

here in the Uk there are some bereavement counselling services available fror free and they do have some good reviews. One is provided by our NHS and they are due to ring me next week.

Sorry your couselling wasn't helpful but maybe a psychiatrist and support groups will be - worth a try.  But please don't harm yourself.

Be good to keep in touch and see how we are getting on.

I’m from the UK and will be back soon. The hospital gave me some counseling after but that wasn’t helpful either she was more concerned that I wasn’t going to kill myself whilst I was seeing her and just kept saying ‘that must have been hard’ to everything I said. I’m truly sorry for your loss and would like to keep in touch. My name is Melissa, what’s yours? 

Thank you Melissa.  I am sincerely sorry for your loss also.  Pleased you would like to  keep  in touch.  My name is Lewis. Speak soon.

Thanks Lewis. Definitely keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing. 

Hi Melissa.  How are you doing? Iam finding it even harder. Went to my Mum's bank today to  deal with 'things'; it was extremely upsetting. Being given a copy of her accounts with variouys figures next to  them devoid of emotion contrasts hugely with the reality of my feelings. Yes, it is a necessatiy but it so hurts.

Have you started any outside help yet?

Lewis

Hi Lewis,

I’m not doing great. An old friend told metoday by text that ‘they are not comfortable with my level of grief ‘ which was nice. Decided to cut her out of my life completely. I had to deal with all that you’re going through and it’s so tough, I’m sorry. I’m still dealing with some of it like the TV licence. I couldn’t find a bill with the account number and they refused to look it up so what can I do? I said take my Mum to court for not paying and hung up. Bureaucracy sucks. I hope you find a way through it. I have counseling set up for next Thursday with a proper psychiatrist. I’ll let you know how that goes. Take care.

Hi Lewis,

I’m not doing great. An old friend told metoday by text that ‘they are not comfortable with my level of grief ‘ which was nice. Decided to cut her out of my life completely. I had to deal with all that you’re going through and it’s so tough, I’m sorry. I’m still dealing with some of it like the TV licence. I couldn’t find a bill with the account number and they refused to look it up so what can I do? I said take my Mum to court for not paying and hung up. Bureaucracy sucks. I hope you find a way through it. I have counseling set up for next Thursday with a proper psychiatrist. I’ll let you know how that goes. Take care.

Hi Melissa. Yes, it does suck. It is so hard to think clearly when your emotions are in disarray, to put it mildly. Sorry your friend isn't helpful. Hope your Counselling helps you.

Speak with you soon

Hi again, just wanted to say sorry to read about the text from your friend....we're all individual and so is our grief. None of us can understand 100% of what each of us is going through but having to go through the same awful journey, after losing our mum's, we have some understanding. It is hard and stopping the tears even harder.

Rules and regulations over personal data mean it can be trying at the best of times dealing with companies, I found this address if you wanted to write and advise rather than speak to them:- Customer Services TV Licensing Darlington DL98 1TL

I hope that everything goes well for Thursday.

x

Hi Linda,

Thanks for replying and the advice and info. It’s funny how people on here that I have never met are more supportive than some of my ‘friends’. As we know you can’t imagine the pain until you’ve experienced it. Hope you’re doing ok.

best,

Melissa xo

Hi everyone. I’m new to the forum. Actually never wrote in a forum before in my life. I’m 25, just lost my mum 5 weeks ago to lung cancer, it was a long and tough battle & she fought so well. She declined very rapidly after she seen me get engaged on Xmas day. I was okay at first but now it’s really hit me and I’m struggling to get through the days. The images of her still haunt me as her death was very graphic and I feel cheated as we never got to say a last goodbye or love you. I know she loved me but I feel like I haven’t had real closure as it all happened so fast and I was so naive about it all, I wish someone could of told me what to expect or that I had talked about it with her beforehand. Anyway I’m not too sure what I’m expecting to come from writing this but I feel like I’m a bore to my friends as they aren’t in my shoes and don’t know what to say. Thanks for lending me your ears. Em

hi em,

so so sorry to hear about your Mum. I know exactly how you feel and it’s been 4 months for me and is still hard. Find a friend that is sympathetic and talk to them. I’ve had some that are great but others who haven’t been nice. I have been to some therapists that did nothing but have finally found one that is helping me. You should try and find a therapist you like. If you don’t feel that one is helping don’t waste time with them just look for another until you find the right one. Is your partner sympathetic? The way I’ve got through so far is to plan things ahead, whether it’s work or doing something with friends and then I feel I have to honour my commitments because I have felt suicidal but this stops me. There’s lots of us on here that know what you’re going through so please reach out whenever you need to. All my best, M. 

Hi Melissa. Not been on for a little while. How are things with you? I wish I could say that I am feeling a bit better but I'm not really. I have had four counselling sessions which seem helpful at the time but when I leave nothing seems to  have changed.  Perhaps it takes time to  start working. Also, I had my first birthtday without Mum which wasn't great.  Just try and keep plugging away.

Hopw you are seeing some improvement,

Lewis

Hi Lewis,

Still not great. I had my first birthday without my Mum too and we had the same birthday. I visited her grave on the day and that was extremely sad for me. I’ve had 2 counseling sessions and same here, helpful at the time but go back to feeling the same way a little after. Sorry you’re still feeling sad too. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel better

I pop back occasionally to find out how youa re doing and am sorry that you are still struggling in this way.  Stay with the counselling - have you told the counsellor that the benefits are at the moment only helping during the time you are with her/him. It is never easy and you should anything that helps you at all.  I still "talk" occasionally to my mum and my dad  even thoughit is a long time since they died and bizarre as it  might sound it is a nice thing to do.  Everyone has their own method and timescale for grieving and as long as you are doing no harm to yourelf or anyone else (which I am pretty sure your mum would hate you to do) do whatever feels right for you. Can I ask: are there any particular things that you feel you would like to have done before your mum's death or is it just general grieving pain that is dragging you down?  Annie

Hi Annie,

Thanks for checking on me. Yes I wish I hadn’t been in such denial, I thought she would get better and so even though I came home a lot I also carried on going back to LA and Ny for work and didn’t spend as much time as I should have with her and also didn’t talk to her about her diagnosis really as I think we both wanted to remain positive. I keep searching for messages from her and torture myself that I didn’t comfort her enough. I also torture myself thinking I should have saved her. She was my world and my only reason for being. I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m just going through the motions. My Uncle passed this week too. It’s all unbearably sad. I haven’t told my counselor that it’s only for a short time I feel better but he is great, better than anyone else I’ve seen. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Hi again.  I did read read your post shortly after you made it but have been struggling with computer problems - I am not very good at long technical words and sentences but think I have finally got my new router installed and it seems to be okay!    My poor love, you could not have saved your mum much as you feel that the sheer power of love should have conquered her illness.    It also appears that you were trying to fall in with what you felt your mum would have wished by remaining positive - I know it is so easy to beat yourself up with hindsight but - being a mum myself - I am pretty sure your mum would not have felt anything other than love and care from you.  Threre appears to have been other family members also and I  cannot imagine - from the posts from you that I have read - that your mum would have ever felt any lack of love and attention.  When you are a mum you don't think of making demands on the love of your children but instead are so pleased that they are well and happy - that is what parents really want from them.  We don't think they owe us anything but when as in your case you were giving regular love and care (I bet she didn't think you were falling short) she will have been proud and happy with the daughter she has raised.    Try and just think of the time you did have together - it is all too easy to imagine that you were not doing enough.  I am sorry that your uncle has also died - were you close to him?  You are finding - as we all do as we grow older - that the people who we thought were a permanent part of our lives are in fact will not always be there.  Life has his its great happinesses and its unbearable griefs.  Your mum would hate to feel that you were beating yourself up over her last weeks and months.  Talk to your counsellor and don't be hard on yourself.  Annie