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Dad has died, relationship with Mum

Jojo45
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My dad died 3 weeks ago and I’m struggling to know how to manage the relationship with my Mum.

my dad was an alcoholic - he was not a bad guy but he was difficult and he and my mum had quite an unhealthy codependent relationship. I believe my mum suffers from anxiety. If she thinks she has upset you or you’re anything but 100% delighted with her, t acts as a trigger and she repetitively goes over and over good things she’s done for you or others lately or in the past, she’ll buy me things for my house that I don’t want or need. 

I haven’t really had my mum close in my life and although she is a good and kind person, I often find her emotionally overwhelming and tiring to be with. I was always worried that after my dad died I would have to spend more time with her as I find it a really anxiety trigger myself. I have suggested counselling for my mum as I think there are a lot of unresolved issues she would benefit from working through. I myself have been to several counsellors to deal with the relationship with my parents over the years.

However my mum is now on her own and I don’t want her to suffer or be lonely. She does have some friends but I feel an obligation to ensure she’s not alone and suffering. But I feel I need to keep some healthy distance to keep my own sanity and manage anxiety. 

I just want to get the balance right to support my mum without feeling guilty. I have a little girl and my mum will now take her overnight once a fortnight (my mother in law takes her one week, my mum will now take her the other week so they both get time with her). 

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? I just feel now that my dad has died it leaves a void for my mum but I can’t fill that void as I haven’t had a close relationship with my mum and now don’t feel it’s something I want or can have. 

Any honest observations and advice welcome.

thanks

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    Hi i cant help much but my partners deseased husband was a alcoholic and the damage i saw that he had dont to her and his daughter was unbeleivable she has nightmares and it caused my partner to bing drink to escape him now and then so you have my sympathys its early for you yet but my partner and her daughter had issues but over the years they got much closer i suppose she blamed her mum for not protecting her from it but its its not easy its early yet give her and yourself a bit of time see how it pans out .p ps yes bereavement counciling is a good idea perhaps you could go together you may get to know oneanother again .this is only my oppinion from what i saw and was told .it would be sad for you both as you need oneanother i felt like an orphan when mum died we didnt get on to well but i wish she was here now i would say your mums just trying to keep the peace like shes been doing for your dad ive seen this patern myself many years ago it was not so easy for a wife to leave when they had a child .ps i would also like to add after some posts you and your mum were victims of alcoholisam i had a hard time over it because she couldnt talk to councilers she could talk to me i was a counciler to her and indirectly her daughter and tha change in both of them they were diffrent people so wait a while if you can 

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    Hi Jojo45, not an easy position to be in. I'm sorry you've lost your dad.

    Without going into detail, my sister was widowed suddenly three years ago. We've never been close, we just have different views on life.OK, I find her selfish. We didn't have much contact. 

    When she was widowed, sis took to phoning me a lot. (We don't live nearby.) She made it clear she wanted someone who wouldn't give advice or suggestions, but would listen and support her. I mean, she wrote that on Facebook on numerous occassions. Like your mum, she wanted everyone to agree with her and be delighted with her choices. That's not how life works. It's healthy to hear different points of view.

    Anyhow, I did my sisterly duty for a long time, even though it stressed me out. Sis stopped talking to a number of people, including her daughter, because they expressed their opinions. She kept saying I was the only person she could really talk to - probably as I was behaving as instructed.  Note, she did go to counselling, and said it was the worst thing she's ever done. 

    Last December I ran into health problems, which turned out to be cancer. That lowered my tolerance levels somewhat, as you can imagine. I challenged sis on a couple of things she said which I found insensitive, (not shouting or anything, just asking what she meant,) and suddenly the phone calls lessened. My husband was shocked that sis backed off when I was unwell. I wasn't surprised.

    Then hubby also had sudden serious health problems, which are ongoing. Sis has rung me once in the four months since. 

    I guess I'm trying to say part of me knew all along this was likely to happen. There's history. You may well have an idea of how your mum will behave in the long run.I feel a bit daft for letting sis control my behavior, it was stressful. It felt like the right thing to do for a while, but I don't think she appreciated the effort.

    Oopsie, that turned into a bit of a ramble. I hope the overall message is clear. I understand you wanting to help. I also understand the need to look out for yourself. Follow your heart.

    regards, gamechanger

     

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    Hi Jo jo,

    Sorry to hear about your dad. 

    My situation was very similar to yours.

    My father, a reformed alcoholic passed away in 2012. My mother, who had been his primary carer, also suffered from anxiety that resulted in 'alienating' behaviour.

    I tried to be with her as much as I could after my father's passing, keeping in contact and such. Unfortunately other members of the family and myself couldn't bring ourselves to hand hold as much was needed, as being around her was pretty draining at times.

    My mum had always smoked and liked a drink, but never to excess. I would say she started drinking very heavily a year or so after my dad died. 

    She herself died two weeks ago of cancer and liver disease. Last two years of her life weren't great.

    It would have taken a heck of a lot for my mum to have engaged with any form of councilling. I wish I had have done more. If you can get her help, do, and try to get support from friends or family to assist. I took on most of my mum's care and medical admin and it nearly drove me insane. You are not alone.

    Good luck. And keeping going to therapy yourself. You'll need it 

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