Hi Jojo45, not an easy position to be in. I'm sorry you've lost your dad.

Without going into detail, my sister was widowed suddenly three years ago. We've never been close, we just have different views on life.OK, I find her selfish. We didn't have much contact. 

When she was widowed, sis took to phoning me a lot. (We don't live nearby.) She made it clear she wanted someone who wouldn't give advice or suggestions, but would listen and support her. I mean, she wrote that on Facebook on numerous occassions. Like your mum, she wanted everyone to agree with her and be delighted with her choices. That's not how life works. It's healthy to hear different points of view.

Anyhow, I did my sisterly duty for a long time, even though it stressed me out. Sis stopped talking to a number of people, including her daughter, because they expressed their opinions. She kept saying I was the only person she could really talk to - probably as I was behaving as instructed.  Note, she did go to counselling, and said it was the worst thing she's ever done. 

Last December I ran into health problems, which turned out to be cancer. That lowered my tolerance levels somewhat, as you can imagine. I challenged sis on a couple of things she said which I found insensitive, (not shouting or anything, just asking what she meant,) and suddenly the phone calls lessened. My husband was shocked that sis backed off when I was unwell. I wasn't surprised.

Then hubby also had sudden serious health problems, which are ongoing. Sis has rung me once in the four months since. 

I guess I'm trying to say part of me knew all along this was likely to happen. There's history. You may well have an idea of how your mum will behave in the long run.I feel a bit daft for letting sis control my behavior, it was stressful. It felt like the right thing to do for a while, but I don't think she appreciated the effort.

Oopsie, that turned into a bit of a ramble. I hope the overall message is clear. I understand you wanting to help. I also understand the need to look out for yourself. Follow your heart.

regards, gamechanger

Hi Jo jo,

Sorry to hear about your dad. 

My situation was very similar to yours.

My father, a reformed alcoholic passed away in 2012. My mother, who had been his primary carer, also suffered from anxiety that resulted in 'alienating' behaviour.

I tried to be with her as much as I could after my father's passing, keeping in contact and such. Unfortunately other members of the family and myself couldn't bring ourselves to hand hold as much was needed, as being around her was pretty draining at times.

My mum had always smoked and liked a drink, but never to excess. I would say she started drinking very heavily a year or so after my dad died. 

She herself died two weeks ago of cancer and liver disease. Last two years of her life weren't great.

It would have taken a heck of a lot for my mum to have engaged with any form of councilling. I wish I had have done more. If you can get her help, do, and try to get support from friends or family to assist. I took on most of my mum's care and medical admin and it nearly drove me insane. You are not alone.

Good luck. And keeping going to therapy yourself. You'll need it