Hi,

I lost my mum nearly four months ago. It is the worst, most devastating thing. I got to care for her in her last week and watched her take her last breath, but before that we hadn't seen in each other for over a year (we've always been very close but sometimes live in different countries).

My partner has been incredible. He was by my side in hospital and ever since. I’ve had good days and bad days. On bad days I can be very snappy and angry and this is all being directed at him. He’s been very patient but he is at the end of his tether and is finding it harder and harder to tolerate me being a total ***. I totally see his point. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t control it. Everything gets overwhelming really quickly and I lash out. He is very sensitive and has been incredible. I wonder if I should take myself away from him though while I can’t trust myself not to emotionally hurt him by lashing out. None of this is his fault. 

My mum had been ill for years and I often carried a lot anxiety about it and had OCD type thinking about not letting her die. I’ve kind of observed as my brain has replaced this obsession with being terrified that I will lose my partner. So most days I will juggle between not breaking down (too much) about my mum passing away and trying to squash the very loud voice that says he’s going to leave me. It is exhausting and I think probably part of the reason why I overreact at everything so often and don’t have any energy left to control my emotions and behaviour. 

My mum was my best friend. I am her only child and she mostly brought me up by herself. We travelled a lot when I was a child and always had a very close, supportive, multiple role relationship. She was also an extremely intuitive psychologist who understood me very, very well (and obviously knew my context inside out) so would’ve been the first person I’d turn to in this sort of situation.