Hello sandyb and welcome to this forum.  I am sorry that following the death of your husband you are struggling with guilt. I don't know if it helps you to know that this is not an uncommon reaction following the death of a loved one - I am attaching some information from this website on this subject.

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../coping-with-grief

You clearly loved your husband dearly and I feel sure you did what seemed to be the best thing throughout his illness.  It is too easy to beat ourselves up with the benefit of hindsight and really you don't know that there was anything you could have done to make it better. Large NHS teaching hospitals are usually very well equipped with the (very expensive) up-to-date equipment not always so readily available in all private healthcare providers.  Neither have you had any control over the fact that you are still here while your beloved husband died - but I know that guilt doesn't always follow logical patterns.  Was your husband made comfortable for his last days in the hospice; was it a good place to end ones life (given that death is inescapable for all of us when our time comes). Or are you worrying away at something you could/should have done?    Dear Sandy, I know I sound as though I am making a cold analytical breakdown of why you are suffering so much - I don't mean to and I have suffered enough grief myself over the years and still worry about some things.  It is not such a very long time since your husband died and grieving is a very personal thing; there are no time limits or rights/wrongs.  Try to be a little kinder to yourself.  It may help to get a bit of counselling if you cannot get through these feelings of guilt in the longer term.  Cruse Bereavement Care are the best known of the counsellors but I have learned that like so  many charities they are struggling to keep up with the demand for their services.  If you look at the MacMillan Cancer Support website and click on the In Your Area on the green banner at the top of the screen you will see if there are any support services in your area.  Best wishes.  Annie

Hi thank you so much for your reply. It made me feel a lot better about a lot of issues. When you read these forums you realise how many people are going through the same awful things. I am luckier than a lot of people as I had 43 years in a fantastic marriage with the my soul mate. I look around me now and see so many couples together that look so unhappy. Much love sandy

Hi thank you so much for your reply. It made me feel a lot better about a lot of issues. When you read these forums you realise how many people are going through the same awful things. I am luckier than a lot of people as I had 43 years in a fantastic marriage with the my soul mate. I look around me now and see so many couples together that look so unhappy. Much love sandy