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Guilt

sandyb1954
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hi I lost my husband of 43 years to kidney cancer 6 months ago. He was only 64 and my absolute soul mate. I have amazing support from my 2 wonderful children. I miss him so much but just torture myself that I could have done more to save him. I keep thinking that maybe if I had researched more or paid for private care we may have given him more time. On top of that there is the guilt that he died and I'm still here. I find it hard to sleep at night as I can't get the last images of my darling dying in the hospice out of my mind. I know it will get better with time but it's so very hard.

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    Hi there Sandy... oh hunny your still in the first year of grieving and l think of it as the raw year ..

    We all have what ifs and if we could turn back time ...      I could av stopped my housework one Monday morning to take my mum to her O A P club .. but there she was on the phone saying she was fine, the bus stops just outside her house ... she ended with "  see you tomorrow, love" ......well at 5.20 that day I got a call to say she'd had massive heart attack.... I rushed to hospital, but she'd gone ... I'd never get that chance to hold her one more time, tell her how amazing she was ... all for what ... housework ...

    Yes like you that will always be in the back of my mind ... but you know, I bet my mum and your hubby would say ... hay, stop thinking those things ... it's just, o.k ... and if hes anything like my mum , if he can look down and see you, he would be so proud of you ... sometimes we have to accept things we cannot change ... and when you look at the children you made together ... there he'll be, right there in them ...

    Nothing will stop us missing them ... but I try to do things in mum's memory... she had the kindest heart and helped everyone and she touched the heart of strangers ... and you do know what he'd say to you .. it's in your heart ... and they don't really leave they just wait for one tomorrow when we join them .. 

    So please when the memories feel too unbearable ... think of the best, funniest memory you have of him ... relive every word , every look, remember how you felt and do this second by second , until the pain is replaced by a smile ... this has seen me through some sad days ... it's about balancing feelings ... so sending you caring thoughts ... and a big hug, your braver then you give yourself credit for ... Chrissie

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    Hello sandyb and welcome to this forum.  I am sorry that following the death of your husband you are struggling with guilt. I don't know if it helps you to know that this is not an uncommon reaction following the death of a loved one - I am attaching some information from this website on this subject.

    www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../coping-with-grief

    You clearly loved your husband dearly and I feel sure you did what seemed to be the best thing throughout his illness.  It is too easy to beat ourselves up with the benefit of hindsight and really you don't know that there was anything you could have done to make it better. Large NHS teaching hospitals are usually very well equipped with the (very expensive) up-to-date equipment not always so readily available in all private healthcare providers.  Neither have you had any control over the fact that you are still here while your beloved husband died - but I know that guilt doesn't always follow logical patterns.  Was your husband made comfortable for his last days in the hospice; was it a good place to end ones life (given that death is inescapable for all of us when our time comes). Or are you worrying away at something you could/should have done?    Dear Sandy, I know I sound as though I am making a cold analytical breakdown of why you are suffering so much - I don't mean to and I have suffered enough grief myself over the years and still worry about some things.  It is not such a very long time since your husband died and grieving is a very personal thing; there are no time limits or rights/wrongs.  Try to be a little kinder to yourself.  It may help to get a bit of counselling if you cannot get through these feelings of guilt in the longer term.  Cruse Bereavement Care are the best known of the counsellors but I have learned that like so  many charities they are struggling to keep up with the demand for their services.  If you look at the MacMillan Cancer Support website and click on the In Your Area on the green banner at the top of the screen you will see if there are any support services in your area.  Best wishes.  Annie

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    Hi

    i also lost my husband on 11th January 

    he was 43

    we went private but it didn’t prolong the outcome I’m afraid but bought us more time I guess 

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hi Chrissie thank you so much for replying. It has really helped to know others have felt the same way. I am taking my children and grandchildren to the Isle of Wight next month. My husband loved it there and I thought I will be nice to all be together. I guess it just takes time but some days it feels unbearable doesn't it? Much love sandy 

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Hi thank you so much for your reply. It made me feel a lot better about a lot of issues. When you read these forums you realise how many people are going through the same awful things. I am luckier than a lot of people as I had 43 years in a fantastic marriage with the my soul mate. I look around me now and see so many couples together that look so unhappy. Much love sandy

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