Hi Simon,

                 I have just read your story and yeah you're right...I've just lost my wife of 22yrs and I'm a mess but everyone tells me be strong for the kids but like you said how can you be strong when you're a mess Just wanted to tell you i know how you feel and even though I dont know you we can chat if you want.

Dave w

Thank you Simon for starting this thread as I felt so completely alone. My beautiful, wonderful wife, best friend, and soulmate died from cancer three weeks ago. She was diagnosed three and half years ago, had chemo, surgery, chemo and other interventioins. There were some times of hope but following another surgery a year ago we knew her life would not be long. 

In the last week of her life she deteriorated very quickly, the week before this we were on holiday abroad. She died peacefully at home, age 49yrs, on a bed in the living room surrounded by plants, the patio doors open letting in the sunshine. Both her parents and my parents by her side and myself holding her for her last breaths. 

My family have been amazing in their support to me and have been with me everyday since she died. Many of my emotions have been similar and expressed in previous entries. I waves of tearfulness often triggered  by a fond memory, looking at a photos nearly always causes me to breakdown. She was my everything, we shared everything, made decisions about everything, she was my world. From love at first sight to now nothing. She had so much energy and enthusiasm and was so much fun. I have cushions in the bed and pretend its her.

We have a gravel drive and my heart would lift when I heard her car arrive home. I sometimes pretend she has gone out is going to walk through the door as she used to.

My appetite is slowly returning I can now eat a small meal in the evening – still feel nausea most of the time.  

I feel so cheated and robbed, we should have had another 30 wonderful years together. I am very grateful we had 22 amazing years together and have to beautiful children; our son, 15 and daughter 13yrs.

Nothing will be the same again everything has changed - we used to love going to same places on holidays through the year. I can’t face doing this any more it wouldn’t have the same joy and I would likely cry throughout and spoil it for everyone. Everything feels empty, bleak and pretty pointless - but I need to be strong for our children. I hope time will dull the intensity of emotions and reach a point when i can think nearly normally.

Dear Simon,

I can understand some of your pain I'm sure as I lost the love of my life, my soul mate, my darling husband just under 8 months ago. The pain doesn't get better or go away, does it? I'm devastated. He was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer that had gone to his brain, and 7 and a half weeks later I had lost him as he became neutropenic after his first chemotherapy and had a chest infection that went to pneumonia.

I agree, it doesn't help when people say things like 'he'd want you to be happy' or 'you need to be strong', I don't need to be strong, this is a time when I can be weak. Also, as much as my darling husband would want me to be happy, he'd understand me being deastated as he would have been if I had been taken.

We had a relationship similar to the one you had with your wife, we always told each other we loved each other every day, numerous times. I have no doubt of his love for me but I miss him every single second of the day. He is everything to me.

I am blessed with two grown up married children and two grandchildren, although my husband wasn't their Dad, they adored him and are heart broken. They do look after me but I feel so alone. I'm all on my own most of the time. I do work but I normally cry on the way home as I just want my darling husband.

Obviously this isn't cheering you up! :-) But I wanted to say you are not alone. I have lost my soul mate and my heart is truly broken.

Hi all,

Firstly I must apologise for not responding, I had to be in the right frame of mind and also try and sort myself out especially around work - with all my grief, mentally struggling with the loss of my beloved Vicky work were terrible, ignoring me, sending round emails to say "Simon is returning do not look him in the eye, do not mention his beloved wife, do not mention cancer etc, only deal with him on work related matters" so of course I was ghosted and ignored - I had time to think, I still do - and I looked for another job and came off the tablets - and now I am 3 weeks into a new role, and its a breath of fresh air.

We have just come out of a Easter Holiday, and everyone is asking me "how was it ?" Good ? - not really, the children were out and about or revising, and I was just left with the dog and my own thoughts - I miss her terribly still, and hate the lonliness - I did what I do every week, I tended to her grave, and buy 5 bunches of flowers in her favourite colours, 2 for her grave and 3 for home, so it always reminds me of her.

I still wear her perfurme, and I have a lock of her hair which I got made into a cross for my neck and have her ashes in a bracelet on my wrist, and I still wear my wedding ring - in my mind I am still married.

My eldest daughter recently went to a medium, and I was always sceptical of these but she recorded it and a lot of what she said hit the nail on the head to my daughter, e.g your dad is suffering, he misses her don't he, not eating properly or sleeping etc - but I just feel how can I ? people say it will take time, but for my we are the people who know the "timescales" not anyone else, I have learnt to do what you feel is right, and don't be swayed by anyone - what I mean by this is an example  - Vicky's brother called me and said "I hear you are wearing her perfurme ?" I said "Yes..." he said "are you not worried what men will think ...." I said "mate couldn't care less, I know I smell my arm, and I can "see" your sister....

Deal with it in your own way, yes let people support you, but do what you need to do - I still have her clothes in the wardrobe, and her dressing table out, still write to her everynight and have her pillow and dressing gown, I don't care what people think or say....

I know this may also not be everyone's cup of tea but one person out of all my friends mentioned the Ricky Gervais series "Afterlife" - it turns out most of my friends had seen it but did not want to tell me !- anyway I watched it and it is spot on, a masterpeice of how we are feeling, no one gets it until they experience it  - and for me to say to people "you seen that Afterlife...." and whne they say "Yes" say that's exactly how I feel even now, don't want to be here but have to be for my girls, in pain, and people getting on my nerves.....

I have rambled long enough, but what has helped me is keeping busy, I continue to paint and keep the house as Vixs would have it, do the garden but do stuff for her, at the end of the day my doctor put it nicely....

When I was on tablets, I said to him "I think the tablets are making me antagonistic" he replied..."it's not the tablets, you're greiving and people are p**sing you off.....

I will be more attentive to the replies now, and hang in there people, we will never forget the love of our lives, and life has dealt us some pretty ugly cards - and the first question I am going to ask when I get upstairs and are at the "gates" is why.....? why when the world is built on love, and seeing the love of the people in this post were these taken away when there are people still here, arguing, splitting up and slagging each other off - I will never understand it !

Simon

Hi, 

I too am sorry for your loss but can say hand on heart I know exactly what you are going through.  I lost my wife to ovarian cancer 9 weeks ago. We were to celebrate our 25th anniversary in June having been together 28yrs. I have been left with two adult children but nevertheless young adults who are devestated by the loss and are struggling to come to terms with the fact their mom won't see the first grandchild come into the world or go wedding dress shopping with my daughter.

My world has been shattered by this vile disease and what it did to my beautiful wife, and as you say best friend and soul mate. Not only am I grieving I watch as my daughter falls into a depression as she too has lost her best friend and is struggling to come to terms with the fact she will never hug, kiss, speak to her mom again, and have to deal with that. 

As you say people will say be strong, it will get easier etc..it won't. It will be a case of accepting it and somehow dealing with it.  I spent very little time apart from my wife in 28yrs and now my life is meaningless. I get up to motivate my kids and show them I'm not giving up cos my wife would not want that. I'm trying to distract myself to help give my brain a rest but inside I'm broken.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this reply really only to say sorry to hear what your going thru as I'm going through it aswell and feeling your pain. 

Hi I lost my beautiful wife on the 3rd of may 2019 ,not to cancer but to diabetes related illnesses I dont know what to do ,I am lost and in so much pain ,I am searching for anything to help me deal with this feeling ,I know it has only been 3 weeks but I just dont know what to do with myself .my 23 year old son lives at home and has cerebral palsy so can't walk ,he misses his mum dearly and I try to stay up beat for him as much as I can but today is his birthday so it's been really hard ,I have been with my wife for 28 years and married 27 years she is my life ,every decision no matter how small has been through her for 28 years and now it's all up to me it is so hard .I woke up next to her on the 3rd of may 2019  and an hour later she was gone ,I cannot bare to try and comprehend what has happened this is so hard.how do I cope ? 

Thanks 

Simon (did not see your name was the same as mine until the end of your post )

Hi, 

Sadly no one can give you a definitive answer on how to cope with your loss. My wife passed on 3rd March after being together 28yrs. Our 25th anniversary is in 10 days time and don't know how to deal with that. My daughter is 19 and her mom was her best friend so everyday I deal with my own loss and grief as well as take on her grief as well. It's hard but somehow you work through it. You know deep down its what your wife will want you to do. She knows you will be upset but she will want you to carry on and look after your son. For me I have decided to look for a static caravan somewhere as this is what my wife and I planned to do. I will have items of hers there and it will be a quiet place I go to. Again I know things like that are what she wanted me to do. Ending my life to be with her is not an option... I have people dependent on me and I will always honour my wife's last wishes but believe me its a thought that has been there. Sadly for me I now have been diagnosed with a heart valve defect and have all the worry of that to go through. In someway its good as it gives something else for my daughter to focus on (albeit bad news). We went yesterday and had tattoo's in memory of my wife using the ashes. We know that way a part of her will always be with us. I'm getting there slowly but if anyone says it gets easier.. It doesn't, you just learn to adapt and cope. 

All the best Al

I have just been reading through all the messages and actually got some kind of comfort that I was not alone to go through all the heartfelt stories that have been told.

My wife’s cancer was so very cruel and painful in the last month of her life (just 2 months ago), and I constantly keep thinking  how could I have tried harder to make her life better, before, and after the diagnosis.

Colin

Hello Gord..... I read your post and saw by the date you lost your lovely wife some time ago. I lost my darling husband on 25th January this year so I am 6 months without him. The pain of losing and living without him is just dreadful..... Please tell me that it will get easier as time goes on. At present I have no reason to face each day and long to be with him.

Take care  Love Gillie