Hi Effiel,

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all need to do it in our own way and in our own time. Sadly even when it feels as though our World is coming to an end almost everyone else's lives go on unaffected. We are all too good at hiding our emotions, so perhaps they can be forgiven for not noticing.

You are right, you need somewhere safe to vent your feelings and someone to talk to about them. This is quite a good place to do that. If by scary thoughts you mean self-harm or suicide, you definitely need someone to talk to. The Samaritans might be a good place to start if your feelings take a dark turn - samaritans.org or phone 116123 from any phone.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi Effiel,

I am so sorry that you are struggling so badly. You have had an awful lot to contend with for someone so young.

Have you been watching the news his week and listening to Prince Harry, who lost his mum when he was 12? He has waited a lot longer than you to seek help, but seems to be much better able to deal with the situation now that he has.

I lost my mum in 1997 to cancer and although I am in a better place now, not a day goes by when I don’t miss her.  Remember that she has been the mainstay of your life for 13 years and it is not at all easy to accept her passing.

Do you have any family member who you can talk to? A trouble shared is a trouble halved. There are several organisations that you can contact – Maggies, the Haven, Dove Bereavement Counselling, the Samaratins, Cruise, the nurses on this site (free to phone), MacMillan, etc. There are also some organisations which deal solely with teenagers such as the Teenage cancer trust. Talk to your GP and see what is in your area.

It is much easier to accept such a loss when you are able to talk about it to your friends. Because you have kept things to yourself and bottled up your feelings your friends probably feel that you are dealing with this very well, even though you know that this is not the case. Maybe they are afraid to mention it to you in case they upset you more. You are young to have to deal with such tragedy and many of your friends will not have been involved in losing family members yet. As a result they can feel awkward because they just don’t know what to say to you.

Sometimes a good starting point might be to comment on your mum’s first anniversary – this is often a traumatic time for those suffering grief. Once you get started you will probably find it difficult to stop. Don’t worry if you cry at times in front of them – this is a great release valve.

If you have had scary thoughts, I am glad that you have not acted them out. It sounds to me as if you do need to talk to a counsellor. S/he will be fully trained and able to give you the best advice on how to bring the subject up with your friends. They will also talk through your reactions. You are bound to be angry and upset about the whole event. Once you can accept it better in yourself and start to talk to your friends, I am sure that you will find that life is too short to be plagued by nasty feelings. You have all of your life in front of you and there will be lots of life experiences to enjoy. Unfortunately you have been left bereft with grief at a very important time in your life.

Do your best with your schooling, as exams will soon be upon you. How you do in these will determine how your life pans out. Do your best at school and try to be a ‘good’ person and I am sure that your mum will be so proud of whatever you become.

Please don’t hesitate to seek help. This is not a sign of weakness. It is just a sign that you have been over burdened with grief.

Remember that we are always here to support you, so do stop by and let us know how you get on.

Take care and I hope that it all turns out well with your friends.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi effiel, 

If you'd like to talk to another young person who knows what you're going through, there's a brilliant site called Hope Again that you might find helpful. It's a place where you can talk about your grief confidentially, and find lots of useful advice about coping emotionally.

If you send a message to the site a young person will personally respond to you. It also has a links page with lots of information that you might find useful. 

As davek has said, there's no 'right or wrong' way to grieve, and sharing your feelings in a safe supportive place is a really good place to start. Do you have a school counsellor that perhaps you would consider talking to, too? 

Whatever you decide to do, we're hear to listen whenever you feel you need to talk. Take care,

Helen

Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you for that link, I do have a kind of school counsellor but its not the same as speaking to a friend i dont know? Even in that situation I never know what i want to say or how to start the conversation 

Effie x

Hi Effiel,

Have you considered doing as Helen suggests and contacting someone from Hope Again? You might find it easier to talk to another young person who has experienced the loss of a parent too before you try to broach the subject with your frends.

If you do go ahead and discuss it with your friends don't chicken out at the last minute. You may find that their reactions differ. Don't be upset if their initial responses are not what you expect. Some may be embarrassed while others may feel awkward. This is just because they fortunately haven't had the same experience and don't know what to say to you - many adults are the same when it comes to discussing death. However, once you break this long silence, I feel sure that you will find them very supportive.

I think that this is very brave of you to try to talk to them about your mum and I'm sure that once you have you will gradually start to feel better in yourself. .

I shall be willing you on next week. Do let us know how you get on.

Jolamine xx