Thank you both for your replies and I hope things get easier for you too. When my mum died, I had a 5 week old baby. My mum desperately wanted to see the baby before she died and she did get to see her but she was too ill to even hold her and didn't have the strength in her arms. Even the photos we took of my mum and baby are not very good as she looks very ill and weak and not how I would like my daughter to remember her grandmother.

I was very ill when I had my daughter, nearly died in the emergency c section and had to spend a month in hospital missing out on precious time with my mother but thankfully I was with her when she died. During that time in hospital, I needed my mum more than anything and it really hit me how alone and cold life is without her. I have a son prior to this baby and my mum helped me bring him up and did everything for him and taught me everything. But for this baby she couldn't do anything. It makes me so sad that my daughter is missing out on so much and my mum cannot pick her up and cuddle her. 

My two kids keep me busy and give me strength to get on with things. But I feel myself breaking down all the time. I just want to talk to mum, ask her advice, hold her and just be in her presence. My husband doesn't really understand and is not very supportive. I think he thinks i should be over it by now but its not something i feel i will ever be over. I have siblings who I can talk to but I feel I am upsetting them more and try to be strong for their sake. I never went a day without seeing mum, how am I meant to go through a lifetime without her? I stay awake for hours in the night thinking and crying. Sometimes I have dreams and wake up thinking she is still alive and want to go to her, then it hits me that she's gone and I breakdown. Time is not making it easier for me, there's more happening that my mum is missing out on like my baby's first words, crawling etc. I can't bear to do birthday parties for my kids as it doesn't feel right coz mum is gone. 

I find it hard going to the graveyard, I breakdown each time I go. I can't believe my mum is there in the ground. Sometimes it feels nice to know she is above me watching over us all and pain-free but I want to reach out and speak to her rather than live this empty life without her.

Hi snowflake 

I was reading your story and it sounds so much what I’m going through now. I lost my mom one month ago.. pancreatic cancer she died after 10 days from diagnosis . She was my everything and Cabot accept she is not with us anymore . My first son was brought up by her.. she was more than a mother to him but unfortunately she didn’t get to enjoy my daughter.. and like you I wish I could call and tell her she is now crawling.. talking etc..

i wish I could see, touch her again .. 

im sorry if this post brought you back to difficult times..but I’m in so much pain and knowing people went through similar experience kind of helps .

Hi snowflake 

I was reading your story and it sounds so much what I’m going through now. I lost my mom one month ago.. pancreatic cancer she died after 10 days from diagnosis . She was my everything and Cabot accept she is not with us anymore . My first son was brought up by her.. she was more than a mother to him but unfortunately she didn’t get to enjoy my daughter.. and like you I wish I could call and tell her she is now crawling.. talking etc..

i wish I could see, touch her again .. 

im sorry if this post brought you back to difficult times..but I’m in so much pain and knowing people went through similar experience kind of helps .