Hugs xxx  

Thank you x

Jacki, it won't feel like it now, but you will get through. It is so early on for you and you are in shock. It doesn't make any difference how long or short a time you had together, it is obvious frorm your posts that your love for him was deep, and that makes the parting all the harder. You just have to hang on in there, be kind to yourself, and not expect too much. Take it a day at a time or even a few hours at a time. Gradually the pain will become less intense- it never goes away completely and you can be ambushed at any time, but this does become less frequent (I am now at 2 1/2 years)

Please try not to feel guilty that you enjoyed yourself with the girls. That was one piece of advice a widowed friend gave to me when I first went out after Bob died, and it is so true. I am sure he wouldn't want to think of you being so sad, and would be pleased for you that you had some fun. It is great that you have friends that you can spend time with and I hope that you can both laugh and cry with them. Often people don't understand what you are going through if they have never been there, but on this forum you will find people who have been there are are going through the same feelings that you are now.

Hugs,  Gill x

Hi Gill

Thank you. We fell in love the first time we met. He turned and smiled at me and i knew he was my true love. Yes I am lucky to have such great friends and family. I'm finding it hard because my younger brother was diagnosed in April with stomach, lung and kidney cancer , even though he can have chemo they said it won't give him very much more of a life-span. They said a few months , the same as they told me and Jez( my hubby). I feel like I am being punished for something, it's hard enough losing my husband , but knowing i will lose my brother soon seems to make it harder. I get bad days and unbearable days, a good day is rare. I know it's early days , but i feel like it's getting worse . But I appreciate your kind words.

Jacki xx

Hi Jacque

Thank you for answering my post.. It's sad that you lived so far apart , it must be more difficult for you as no-one else knew about your relationship. I'm the same with the memories , every single place i go I remember being there with Jez, it breaks my heart over and over. Even going to the local supermarket is heart-breaking, especially as a lot of the staff knew him too. I knew he was dying but he went so suddenly. I feel cheated of our future together , even writing this i'm in tears, people are very kind . but unless they've gone through it , they really don't understand. My 31  year old son lives with me , and he tries to help when i'm crying , but as much as i love him I need a cuddle from my Jez. I don't want to go to bed , because I know I'm going to wake up to another empty day. The stupidest things bring me to tears , the weather here is glorious and if Jez was here he'd be dragging me to the beach or driving with the top down on his car. I have been married twice before , but he was my true love, my soul-mate , we loved each other so much , right from the first time he smiled at me , i was his. I can't sleep , can't be bothered to eat or get dressed. Everything has no point anymore. I am here if you need some-one just to listen to you , we can grieve together .  I keep thinking that I might have years left before my time comes, and as selfish as it sounds I don't want to be here without him , I can't see any future apart from a long , lonely one.. People often say to me , he's always with you , he hasn't left you, but most of the time I can't feel him near me . I feel sad because I would of taken away his illness if i could , I wish it was me . not him that died.. But then i think , I am glad I didn't leave him behind  to feel like this . I'm being told , by family and friends not to cry because Jez would hate me being upset , it's easier said than done .I keep thinking this time last year we were so happy ,just being together watching T.V or walking along the quay , we were happy in each others company .. I really can't believe he's gone , it was too soon , I wasn't ready.

Hugs to you xxxx

hello Dorothy

Thank you for your lovely words, I was meant to have some counselling , but it's done at the local hospice , that's where my Jez passed away and I just can't go back there.. I had a whole day Tuesday where i didn't cry until i kissed his photo goodnight , then the tears just fell .  I'm seeing my doctor this on Wednesday and i'll ask him about a different counselling place. I still don't sleep , or eat properly. My friend and I go out for lunch every Saturday , have a drink too, then we come back to my flat . We get my husbands beloved karaoke machine out and sing and dance  aided by two more friends and a few drinks. I have fun , but then when they leave I have a tremendous feeling of guilt. I know Jez is watching me and laughing at the racket we all make, he wouldn't want me to be sad, but like yourself I feel empty and lost.  I have my birthday coming up soon and i'm dreading it, he always bought me yellow roses and a surprise gift , then took me for dinner.

xx jacki :-)