Hi Jacque

Thank you for answering my post.. It's sad that you lived so far apart , it must be more difficult for you as no-one else knew about your relationship. I'm the same with the memories , every single place i go I remember being there with Jez, it breaks my heart over and over. Even going to the local supermarket is heart-breaking, especially as a lot of the staff knew him too. I knew he was dying but he went so suddenly. I feel cheated of our future together , even writing this i'm in tears, people are very kind . but unless they've gone through it , they really don't understand. My 31  year old son lives with me , and he tries to help when i'm crying , but as much as i love him I need a cuddle from my Jez. I don't want to go to bed , because I know I'm going to wake up to another empty day. The stupidest things bring me to tears , the weather here is glorious and if Jez was here he'd be dragging me to the beach or driving with the top down on his car. I have been married twice before , but he was my true love, my soul-mate , we loved each other so much , right from the first time he smiled at me , i was his. I can't sleep , can't be bothered to eat or get dressed. Everything has no point anymore. I am here if you need some-one just to listen to you , we can grieve together .  I keep thinking that I might have years left before my time comes, and as selfish as it sounds I don't want to be here without him , I can't see any future apart from a long , lonely one.. People often say to me , he's always with you , he hasn't left you, but most of the time I can't feel him near me . I feel sad because I would of taken away his illness if i could , I wish it was me . not him that died.. But then i think , I am glad I didn't leave him behind  to feel like this . I'm being told , by family and friends not to cry because Jez would hate me being upset , it's easier said than done .I keep thinking this time last year we were so happy ,just being together watching T.V or walking along the quay , we were happy in each others company .. I really can't believe he's gone , it was too soon , I wasn't ready.

Hugs to you xxxx

Hi Jacki,

Just picked up on your postings.  So sorry about your loss.  I lost my husband in March of this year, just 9 months after his stomach cancer diagnoses.  My world fell apart then and I could not cope with the thought of losing him and being on my own, I loved him so much and had been married for 45 wonderful years. I find iit very difficult and hard, like you I shed a tear most days but I know he would want me to draw strength from the memories of those wonderful years and our two daughters.  I have a strong Christian faith and this helps me through.  I know one day we will be reunited.

We cant change the way things have happened, but we can change the way we deal with them. If you need extra help go to your doctor and keep posting but don't give up.  Sending more hugs.xxx

Hi Jacki,

Just picked up on your postings.  So sorry about your loss.  I lost my husband in March of this year, just 9 months after his stomach cancer diagnoses.  My world fell apart then and I could not cope with the thought of losing him and being on my own, I loved him so much and had been married for 45 wonderful years. I find iit very difficult and hard, like you I shed a tear most days but I know he would want me to draw strength from the memories of those wonderful years and our two daughters.  I have a strong Christian faith and this helps me through.  I know one day we will be reunited.

We cant change the way things have happened, but we can change the way we deal with them. If you need extra help go to your doctor and keep posting but don't give up.  Sending more hugs.xxx

hello Dorothy

Thank you for your lovely words, I was meant to have some counselling , but it's done at the local hospice , that's where my Jez passed away and I just can't go back there.. I had a whole day Tuesday where i didn't cry until i kissed his photo goodnight , then the tears just fell .  I'm seeing my doctor this on Wednesday and i'll ask him about a different counselling place. I still don't sleep , or eat properly. My friend and I go out for lunch every Saturday , have a drink too, then we come back to my flat . We get my husbands beloved karaoke machine out and sing and dance  aided by two more friends and a few drinks. I have fun , but then when they leave I have a tremendous feeling of guilt. I know Jez is watching me and laughing at the racket we all make, he wouldn't want me to be sad, but like yourself I feel empty and lost.  I have my birthday coming up soon and i'm dreading it, he always bought me yellow roses and a surprise gift , then took me for dinner.

xx jacki :-)

Hi Dorothy

Have a lovely birthday , it's what your husband would want.. Don't worry about lecturing me , I didn't take it that way at all. My friend said she's going to take me out on my birthday , my choice she said anything I want to do or go is fine. I'd rather stay in , but I know my Jez would want me to celebrate . I'm on anti-depressants  and mild sedatatives to help me sleep , they don't do much, I never take them if I have a drink. .. doing the karaoke makes me happy  and sad at the same time . Your support is great, thankyou.

love and hugs X

hi Dorothy

I'm so glad you had a good day out, and that your Derek was with you. Your messages help a lot. I'm not having a very good day today , but yesterday i had a fun day with my friend , we had a dance to some music and we watched tv together. I like to think my Jez was here laughing with us when we wtched Mrs Browns Boys , he loved watching that programme. I'm going to ask the doctor when i see him this week, about different meds.

love and hugs Jacki xx

Hi Jacki, hope you are feeling bit better today. It is a bit like that, up and down and good days and bad days but hang in there. I am pleased you are going back to Dr. I was fortunate the first tab, sertraline, they put me on worked and made a huge difference. That and like I mentioned I have a strong Christian faith and know the peace of God in my life. That doesn't mean I don't miss Derek I do and shed a tear most days but ultimately I am in control. I surprise myself with things I manage to do on my own, like driving to my daughters around M25 etc, Derek always did the driving so it was a challenge.

You take care.

Hugs, x

Hi Dorothy

I had a really dreadful night , I was stillawake at 8:30 am , then slept for four hours, but I've been crying all day.  I don't drive and have to sell Jezs car, I don't want anyone else to drive it , Jez loved his car, he said it was his mid-life crisis , a silver convertible !!. I was toying with the idea of maybe learning to drive , but I'll be 59 next week and I think i may be past learning something new.  I'm really undecided . Seeing the doctor tomorrow lunch time , hopefully he can help.

hugs xxx

Hi Jacki,  sorry you had a bad night hope last night was better.  You have some diff decisions to make regarding the car etc.  Derek and I loved caravanning and had bought a new caravan just before he was diagnosed. Sadly we only used it a couple of times and I am not sure now what to do. I can drive but have never towed a caravan and I would find it difficult to go on my own anyway.  I get upset seeing all the other couples out with their caravan. You make sure your doctor offers you different medication today. I will be thinking and praying for you.

Hugs. X