I certainly did Debbie and occasionally still do have those guilty moments.  No matter what I told/tell myself about not having those feelings I think it is all part of the grieving process.  I am sure we are not the only ones either!

  I am still having moments when I question why it should be okay for me to enjoy an outing, a birthday, meal out (even when I am alone!!!) -heart ruling head or other way round. I am currently sitting in my newly finished 'ground floor' project and know none of it would have been possible without the money I got from my hubby's pension plan (he had not told me about!!).  It certainly takes time to take those little steps forward but when I have those discussions in my head  now, I think he would be happier knowing I can manage and it does not take away the wonderful memories or the sadness that his passing brought. It also taught me how precious my own life is so perhaps that has helped me adjust over time.

I am going for my six monthly chat with my GP later this week and hope she will see a slightly improved me!!

A friend of mine reminded me recently of how far I had come in the last 17 months but you do not always see it yourself.

Take care  Jules x

Thanks Jules,

I still feel incredibly sad, but not crying all the time, I can't bring myself to change anything in the house (it could do with decorating), socialise or look at photos, that is still too hard.  I keep saying to myself 'I will do it next year'.  I have tried counselling but don't really like it.

Love to you xxxxx

Hi Debbie

I think we all have our own timescales for doing things following the loss of a loved one.  Like you I found myself 'thinking' of doing certain things once all the 'first anniversaries' had been emotionally managed. Strangely photos have never caused me upset possibly because family (past and present) had always been a part of the decor! Some of hubby's personal things were a more emotional challenge but I did this as I felt able to do so and set no specific time on it. The 'home' project was in my head long before I lost hubby but sadly could only afford to do it when I received his pension (never wanted it to happen this way but his legacy is now an investment in my and our children/grandchildrens' future security and I am pretty sure he would  have approved though the colour scheme is very much mine!!).

The sadness of his loss will, I think, always be a part of my life but is no longer all consuming.  I feel I am still healing emotionally but day to day life is more routine now. The forum has played a major role on getting me where I am today and is probably my biggest form of counselling if that makes sense.  Take care and be kind to yourself.  Jules xx

Hi Debbie

I think looking back at older photos just brings all our memories of those precious times flooding back and the ones we have out regularly we are used to seeing. When I had the work done I had to pack everything away and getting them back out and deciding which to keep out/store was quite emotional at the time.  The albums that were on my shelves are now in boxes but my eldest grandson (7)  loves looking at them so from time to time they will surface again but, of course, he spends time laughing at how we looked in those 'good old days' and when his Mum was a child herself. He has his own memory box for his grandad which is helping him when he feels sad and it sounds strange but it is less emotional talking with the grandchildren about my hubby than  with my children - perhaps I am better at the brave face when chatting to them but I do enjoy their memories of him too.  It can certainly be hard trying to understand my own feelings at times but am learning to roll with them now and accept there will still be up and down days - just like with normal life (whatever that is) nothing is ever perfect.

Take the time to be kind to yourself. Hugs from Jules

Hi debbie, glad your ok at the moment  yes it was a nice day when we scattered his ashes, it was his wish to have them  scattered on the seven where he used to fish. Glad you finished the race for life must have made you proud to finish in a good time ,im sure in time  you will make  the right choice where to put  Sams ashes  it was easy for me as i knew what he wanted. Take care Syl x

Hi Jules , yes the day went well it was nice to full fill  his wish , dont feel to bad at the moment i talk to him all the time  i have a lovely big photo of him in the bedroom  which i kiss every time i go into the room, like Debbie there are some pictures of him  i cant bring my self to look at yet  they are the last ones we took of him i know i would cry  if i saw them . take care Syl x

hi lost my hubby last week, its so raw , so hard ,today sunday been the worst so far as ive done all the admin stuff and now nothing to do, so much time on my hands , we had sucha  routine sundays and you dont realise till its no more

I know hes ok , have had so many signs and I have tremendous gift and knew he would communicate , so thats all ok, it had to end and we had extra time and he was at home and im sooo grateful, but now its what to do for me .......thats the hard part now, im lost ...not back to work for another two weeks as funeral not till 5th and i live on site , retirement scheme manager so its double hard here now, cos it wa s   always just us for 24 years , end of an era , have heard all the cliches but nothing helps, and next year im facing redundancy and moving , company changing , so thats good in abig way as i cant stand it here now without him, have been diving in and out all week, which is hard , dont want the questions ,some nice people but mostly insensitive people now,sadly out for what they can get , we both knew it had changed in the last couple of years but to be honest living on site was a god send during his last few weeks as i could be near ...now its a curse , roller coaster, he said do what you need to do here , get the redundancy pay and move , have good life ....

there doesnt seem to be any support out there for the first couple of weeks, which is when you need it , for direction and just to tell......to hear the sound of a voice who understands ....

I wish you all well, this journey is so hard but I agree talking to each other is good, xx

Hi Debbie, how are you?  hope your ok , not been to good these last couple of days you seem to be ok ,then you seem to  take  steps back again. Went to a memorial service at the crem where my husbands service was every one that was there has lost a loved one in the last 12 month, it was very moving and sad at the same time . take care Syl x

Hi Jules, just a quick e mail, hope your ok not been to good for a few days  seem to  cry  for no  reason, went to a memorial  service  at the crem  where we had my husbands service it was very moving and sad  hope i  feel better  soon  regards Syl x