Hi Wendy and Sally. Like you, I too am a mother who has lost an adult child to death. Even though the death of my son was different than the loss of your children, that loss and the trauma of losing a child to death is unimaginable and impossible to describe unless you've experienced it yourself. My son died by suicide at age 36 yrs. There was no indication whatsoever that he was suicidal and he hadn't threatened it to my knowledge. He was married with two children and living in another Province at the time of his death. I found out afterwards that their marriage was falling apart, but I wasn't aware ot it prior to his death. His wife prevented me from having contact with their two children, 10 and 13 yrs. of age at the time. The 13 year old would e-mail me from school to tell me how they were. Eventually, the two children were aprehended by Children's Services and placed in my custody. There's a long story about that, but I won't go into it on here. Their mother hasn't spoken to me since my son died almost 13 years ago.

I always encouraged the children to stay in touch with their mother and I never spoke badly about her. They were old enough to know what was going on and why they were aprehended. They're both grown now, 25 and 22 years old and my granddaughter has a baby daughter, my great- granddaughter. They remain very close to me and are very much a part of my life.

My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you both as I know the pain of losing your children to death. It is not something that you ever "get over" or "recover from" like some people think. Granted, life does go on and somehow life takes on a "new normal" without our children in our lives. It is loss like no other and only a parent who has lost a child to death can really relate.

Sally, I hope the day will come when your two grandchildren will reconnect with you. They are a part of your son and should remain a part of your life. Only you can answer their questions about their father and what he was like as a child. You can fill in the blanks of his life that no one else can. Certainly it would be better if the children's mother would get past her anger, (or whatever is going on for her) and reconnect with you too, but if not, you still need to maintain some kind of connection with the children, not only for your benefit, but for theirs too. My heart goes out to you.

Wendy, I'm so sorry for your loss of your young daughter and the illness of your friend who is fighting cancer. You have a lot on your plate and I'm sure it must be so hard to drag one foot behind the other day after day while carrying such heavy burdens. We, as mothers, seem to find the strength somewhere to keep on trucking and when life gets tough, we just get a little tougher. You will get through this, not saying it will be easy, but you will do it, for your other daughters, if not for yourself right now. One day, life will take on a new normal for you, without your daughter in it, but your life has now changed forever, just as mine has and all parents who bury our children prematuraly.

Take care all of you and sending hugs your way.

Lorraine  

Hi Lorraine than you so much for your post you sound like an amazing lady who has been through so much and is still as you said 'trucking on' your kind words really help I am trying to think of positive things to look forward to my eldest daughter got engaged to a wonderful man on New Year's Eve so we have a wedding to plan for in 2017 it won't be the same without my lovely daughter but we are planning on ways to include her in the day my new normal is not a nice way of living at the moment but I know my other daughters need their mum so I keep on going hoping that I don't go under thanks again for replying I am so sorry that you lost your son I'm sure he would have been really proud of what his mum had done for his family since his death take care Wendy x 

Hi Lorraine than you so much for your post you sound like an amazing lady who has been through so much and is still as you said 'trucking on' your kind words really help I am trying to think of positive things to look forward to my eldest daughter got engaged to a wonderful man on New Year's Eve so we have a wedding to plan for in 2017 it won't be the same without my lovely daughter but we are planning on ways to include her in the day my new normal is not a nice way of living at the moment but I know my other daughters need their mum so I keep on going hoping that I don't go under thanks again for replying I am so sorry that you lost your son I'm sure he would have been really proud of what his mum had done for his family since his death take care Wendy x