When someone dies we often feel this way and, even if we have nothing to feel guilty sbout, we search until we find something. Somehow I felt it absolved me for still being alive after my husband had died and I should have somehow saved him.
I do hope that you can come to terms with this, perhaps see a counseller to helo you.
my wife died within 6 weeks of being told i gave her the drugs when i was told and when she was in pain but not once in that time did i say i love you or have long talks with her my son was seventeen at the time and he said as long as my mum remembers me every day i will be happy one day she called me from the other room and i said i am doing the ironing and she said i just wondered where you was why did i not stop doing the ironing and go and sit with her near the end i was sitting with her and 3 times she called my name and 3 times i said my sons name remembering what he had said earlier so when he came home from work she would say hes name but that was the last words she said
I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. We all grieve differently. I think you could benefit from some counselling. Something as complex as guilt would probably be best being worked through with a professional. Personally, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. It's completely normal to go over events and question whether you (general) have done enough. It doesn't matter whether the guilt is justified or not, it's how you feel and that can't be ignored. You can't go on like this, it's not fair on yourself. My thoughts are with you and your son.
I have just read your thread and it touched a nerve. Although my husband had incurable cancer and was therefore a 'terminal'cancer patient for nearly three years before he passed away, I had guilty feelings during his illness that I could never do enough to make things better. I found this forum during that time and it helped to talk through the emotions that comes with everything that surrounds a loved once being diagnosed.
Like Charlotte has already said (and I agree) I do not feel you have anything to feel guilty about. You did the best you could in the very limited time you had following diagnosis. If you helped with her medication and care then she would have known you were there and that shows you cared and loved her. Try not to over think your own feelings which are linked to the grief you are feeling too - there is no time limit as to how long it takes to accept our loved ones have been taken away.
I hope you find the links helpful but please do not struggle alone; chat with your son and it is also possible for you to have counselling alone or together if you think it will help. I was grateful to my husband's GP who suggested I see her regularly in the early months and this helped me to understand myself and how in time I could move forward. I also found writing down my thoughts helped which is why the forum still sees me here. Take care Jules54
i did see a counsellor and after a few weeks she suggested do you think we should stop as it seems to be not helping you so i agreed
when we were first told my wife and son did not want to know how much longer she had so i had to ask and was told a few months could be weeks but my wife said she did not want to talk about her illness and it was from that time i did not know what to say
and its only my son that keeps me going he is the strong one and it should be me he said my mates parents are always arguing or divored but i had the best seventeen years with mum i could ask for
My husband did not want to know timelines when it got towards the end of his illness and I felt it right to honour his wishes even though I had a rough idea. To be honest it would not have made a difference to how I felt and the loss was difficult to accept. I hope in time the good years you had with your wife will bring better memories that that of her passing. My children were older (and I also have grandchildren) but we all grieve in our own way in our own time. Just try and take one each day at a time and returning to counselling or a different bereavement group is an option at any time no matter how much time passes. I hope you can find the forum supportive too. Take care Jules x
