Hi Minchina

I'm sorry you're going through this too - I lost my wife at the begining of October last year and yes it's like losing an arm but I'm coming through it - I'm very resillient and not many people seem to heal as fast I know I don't have a magic wand but for what it's worth here's what's working for me.

At first it was talk to people tell them the story everybody and anybody who would listen, each time you tell the story it hurts and each time it hurts just a little bit less.

Now it's  distraction and keeping busy - As I've said before on this forum right now your mind is not your friend. Your thoughts will be coming back to the most painful memories and dwelling on them. *Don't let it!* All this does is create pain for you it serves no purpose. In time you will be able to look back with affection and love but you're not up to it yet. So find things you can do when you start to think about it - call a friend and talk about something else, make a cup of tea, walk the dog, get some exercise whatever it may be you need a long list of distractions you can call on.

I have done so many of the jobs around the house that I've been putting off for years - do not give in to sitting and brooding on your own

It sounds as if you're already doing this - well done. Like I say it's not a magic wand and yes it hurts.

Then there's the third stage

Did you ever see the film Lawence of Arabia?

There's a bit in it where Peter O'Toole extinguishes a match with his fingers.

One of the soldiers says that's amazing let ,me try and of course he burns his fingers and says "Ow that hurts what's the trick?"

Peter O'Toole says "Of course it hurts William Potter - the trick is not minding that it hurts" 

www.youtube.com/watch

Losing someone this close will always hurt - it will diminish with time but it will always hurt - the trick is getting to a point where it has diminished enough that thet you dont mind that it hurts

Hi minchina and welcome to the forum but sad to see the reason you have to join us.

It is 14 months since I lost my hubby of 37 years and  so I am further down the grieving road.  It still hurts that my hubby has been taken away but as Graham has already said I find it more manageable now.  Still have those emotional times but found that once I accepted I could have done no more for him, and the cancer made him so ill, I now find comfort knowing he is free of pain and my memories are much brighter.  He is in my heart always but he would want me to continue to go on and enjoy my own life, as he did his. It took some time but now I am in a happier frame of mind, can sit and think (though find my love of reading has diminished somewhat) and occupy my time to suit myself. I am having work done around the house and have holiday with my children and grandchildren to look forward to in the Summer.

Life just has to carry on; unfortunately there is no magic wand just, for me, a quiet acceptance that I should make the most of the precious life I have.

There are many here who will understand those feelings of loss and we all deal with it in our own way but do come and chat anytime you fancy some company.  Jules54

Hi minchina,

Sorry that you are having to join us, I am not able to offer a magic wand, and as you speak of "cheating it" I know how that makes the hurt that much worse.

I feel that the way I have started to deal with my loss is acceptance, after my wifes funeral I had a feeling that that was her goodbye physically  and that gave me more strength, her strength, to face the future. Emotionally I know, being a very emotional person, that it will take a long time for me to talk about things without tears and trembling lips, but I accept that that time will come. In the mean time people will accept the way I am.

Do remember that your husband cared for you so much that he would not want to see you suffering, he is still comforting you by being in your memory. Think of those times in the past when he gave you strength and use that to give you strength once more.

Best wishes

Deggsy 

Thanks for your reply Jules xxxxx

Thank you so much for your kind words, I am in tears just reading it. I don't know how far down the road I am but thank you.

Thank you, I find it almost unbearable to even think of him and his not being here and know that if he could he would comfort me, this makes me cry even more!   I so wish I had his strength!

Thanks Chris, I really need hugs and miss them so much! I try to be determined but sadly I am not being too successful as yet, I will keep trying everything to get throught this just have a sense that it will take some time. x

Hi Jules, it has taken me a while to get back to the forum and I wanted to thank you for your reply. I am far away from home, I do feel better where I am and yes I wish I could go back home for just an afternoon and try it here and there. The thoughts of our happy beloved home without my husband make me so terribly sad. Its such a shame I feel like that but it is what it is sadly.

I often wonder how he would have managed if the roles where the other way round, not a constructive or helpful train of thought but one that I have nonetheless. In a few weeks I will go back again for some days, I think I will ask my mum to come with me though. Foodshopping, tv, sitting at the table..are all things that I cant do..everything seems so pointless without my husband, the house has lost its soul. I feel maybe if ever the raw emotions settle a bit I will manage better. Who knows...and if not..I guees its just four walls and a roof...  take care and thank you for all your kindness and the time you take to encourage others. 

I am so sorry to hear about your Husband. I just happened to come across this forum today when trying to research Malignant Melanoma. My Mum, aged only 63, was diagnosed in July 15 (with the same  -  Metastatic Malignant Melanoma) and died just 4 months later in Nov 15. No treatment was offered. No input from an oncologist etc. I cant undersatad how this was the cause because Mum had no signs of skin cancer at all! She never went on sunbeds or sunbathed. She didnt have moles. There is no other familiy history etc. I'm angry and devastated. I miss my Mum so much as I know you must miss your Husband.