Hi CG

It's definitely a help to have new 'focus' to aim at. In a way my renovations are therapeutic (and also probably long overdue!!).  When we first married (1977) we had hoped to have a new kitchen and even had a quote but was way out of our league.  It's a little sad (and was an emotional decisiom) to know I can have one now but only because of my late hubby's pension but I think he would appreciate me investing in my, and possibly our childrens'future security, by keeping the property and updating it. I am comfortable here and my family and friends are important to have around me but I also enjoy my own space (may come from being an only child ha ha).

It feels good to still  be able to chat on the forum and know that others feel similar to you but the time scales of 'recovery' are such a personal journey.  If hubby's illness/death has taught me one thing it is that my own wellbeing/life is precious and I should enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow (too much!). Sending virtual hugs. Jules x 

Hi am new to all this but my husband passed 5 days before Christmas 2015. We knew it was coming, we had done for some years, palliative doesn't always mean weeks or days, and he cheated it once or twice but fought all the way. It's been a few weeks now and the highs and lows are surreal, sometimes I don't know where or who I am. How do you cope with all this? I have read so many lovely letters and thoughts and each one makes my heart ache more for every one. Does anyone out there have a magic wand or some words that might give some peace or answers to all the questions? Have cried me 'an ocean' and swept through the house like a dose of salts, tried so hard to do all those things they suggest, keep busy, but it still hurts!

Hi minchina

Sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope you will find it helpful to come here and share your feelings.

There are others here who have experienced the loss of loved ones and I hope you will find support from those who will understand how you are feeling now.

Best wishes to you,

Jane

Hi Minchina

I'm sorry you're going through this too - I lost my wife at the begining of October last year and yes it's like losing an arm but I'm coming through it - I'm very resillient and not many people seem to heal as fast I know I don't have a magic wand but for what it's worth here's what's working for me.

At first it was talk to people tell them the story everybody and anybody who would listen, each time you tell the story it hurts and each time it hurts just a little bit less.

Now it's  distraction and keeping busy - As I've said before on this forum right now your mind is not your friend. Your thoughts will be coming back to the most painful memories and dwelling on them. *Don't let it!* All this does is create pain for you it serves no purpose. In time you will be able to look back with affection and love but you're not up to it yet. So find things you can do when you start to think about it - call a friend and talk about something else, make a cup of tea, walk the dog, get some exercise whatever it may be you need a long list of distractions you can call on.

I have done so many of the jobs around the house that I've been putting off for years - do not give in to sitting and brooding on your own

It sounds as if you're already doing this - well done. Like I say it's not a magic wand and yes it hurts.

Then there's the third stage

Did you ever see the film Lawence of Arabia?

There's a bit in it where Peter O'Toole extinguishes a match with his fingers.

One of the soldiers says that's amazing let ,me try and of course he burns his fingers and says "Ow that hurts what's the trick?"

Peter O'Toole says "Of course it hurts William Potter - the trick is not minding that it hurts" 

www.youtube.com/watch

Losing someone this close will always hurt - it will diminish with time but it will always hurt - the trick is getting to a point where it has diminished enough that thet you dont mind that it hurts

Hi minchina and welcome to the forum but sad to see the reason you have to join us.

It is 14 months since I lost my hubby of 37 years and  so I am further down the grieving road.  It still hurts that my hubby has been taken away but as Graham has already said I find it more manageable now.  Still have those emotional times but found that once I accepted I could have done no more for him, and the cancer made him so ill, I now find comfort knowing he is free of pain and my memories are much brighter.  He is in my heart always but he would want me to continue to go on and enjoy my own life, as he did his. It took some time but now I am in a happier frame of mind, can sit and think (though find my love of reading has diminished somewhat) and occupy my time to suit myself. I am having work done around the house and have holiday with my children and grandchildren to look forward to in the Summer.

Life just has to carry on; unfortunately there is no magic wand just, for me, a quiet acceptance that I should make the most of the precious life I have.

There are many here who will understand those feelings of loss and we all deal with it in our own way but do come and chat anytime you fancy some company.  Jules54

Hi minchina,

Sorry that you are having to join us, I am not able to offer a magic wand, and as you speak of "cheating it" I know how that makes the hurt that much worse.

I feel that the way I have started to deal with my loss is acceptance, after my wifes funeral I had a feeling that that was her goodbye physically  and that gave me more strength, her strength, to face the future. Emotionally I know, being a very emotional person, that it will take a long time for me to talk about things without tears and trembling lips, but I accept that that time will come. In the mean time people will accept the way I am.

Do remember that your husband cared for you so much that he would not want to see you suffering, he is still comforting you by being in your memory. Think of those times in the past when he gave you strength and use that to give you strength once more.

Best wishes

Deggsy 

Hi minchina,

Sorry that you are having to join us, I am not able to offer a magic wand, and as you speak of "cheating it" I know how that makes the hurt that much worse.

I feel that the way I have started to deal with my loss is acceptance, after my wifes funeral I had a feeling that that was her goodbye physically  and that gave me more strength, her strength, to face the future. Emotionally I know, being a very emotional person, that it will take a long time for me to talk about things without tears and trembling lips, but I accept that that time will come. In the mean time people will accept the way I am.

Do remember that your husband cared for you so much that he would not want to see you suffering, he is still comforting you by being in your memory. Think of those times in the past when he gave you strength and use that to give you strength once more.

Best wishes

Deggsy 

Thank you, I find it almost unbearable to even think of him and his not being here and know that if he could he would comfort me, this makes me cry even more!   I so wish I had his strength!