Hi Paddock, here is where I am on this terrifying journey...lost, heartbroken, I s nothing makes sense,I just miss my husband and cannot imagine life in any shape or form without him..I tried being at home last week, and that was too painful for me..so I left again...feeling exhausted and defeated...my gp put me on antidepressants, it was a shock for me on the one hand that he thought it was necessary an, I thouht he would say grief is normal, on the other...it cant get worse..so I am trying it..my thoughts never stop, they go all over the place, incoherent, digging in the happy past, the diagnosis, the eight weeks...life stopped for me then. Whenever people ask how I am: if not friends I dont give an answer, but just return the question. If friends I always say: not good at all, terrible, awful, barely surviving, I am not good at pretending. Idont have ok days. I trytokeep busy but my thoughts never stop. My husbands Urn is at home, Is it today that you receive the ashes?I wish you strength and courage

Hi Deggsy

Thank you for your reply... I have just followed your thread and I see that you only joined the forum in January like me and also that your wife passed away on my 50th birthday! Not that I was celebrating as I had lost Nigel 8 days before and it was the 1st anniversary of my dads passing on 19/02 , so I no longer feel that I have anything to celebrate in February as within 1 year I have lost my beloved father and my darling husband ! 

Today I collected Nigel's ashes and even though I have gone through every step of this horrendous journey I still can't believe that he has gone! Nigel was in a hospice for the last 10 days and it was truly an amazing place. I was with him at the end an they allowed me to lie on the bed with him to have a last cuddle as I had been unable to cuddle him for weeks due to the tumours. His funeral was amazing , the sun shone , the crem was packed and the service was so personal, but still even though I walked behind his coffin , I still can't believe he was inside. I just feel so lost and alone and I want him back so badly but I can't and that is what makes this so unbearable.

How do we move on..... I have no idea, the grief is unbearable.....I agree the evenings are the worst as I can't even watch Tv at the moment so I try and lose myself in a good book as I've always enjoyed reading..... But still my mind wanders.

I just want the hurting and pain to go away ..... The comfort of this forum is that I know that I am not alone and that others, like yourself , are suffering and feeling the pain.

I've got to stop now as I am crying ...... Take care    Paddock

Hi Paddock,

If you have read my thread, you will know that this is the second time I have lost my partner. The first time I was slightly younger than you and circumstances were different, I was still working and of course, like you, I had a large part of my life still to live. It took me some time, I had counselling and I found that I felt the need to get out and meet people. Being the sort of person that needs to share my experiences/life with I soon found I was "dating", (stupid word when you get older) for me that was the way forward. Gill accepted that I missed my previous wife and that I would never forget her and respected me for it.  What I am trying to tell you is that the missing and memories will not go away completely but think of your needs and as time and opportunities pass you will find the way forward alongside your other feelings.

One day you will come to accept that Nigel is physically not with you but that he will always be with you in your heart, from that day on you can move forward a bit at a time. In your own time.

Everyone will tell you that you have to do things to your own timetable, but don't let the opportunities to move forward pass you by, take up invitations, get out and mix with people.

As I said in a previous post after reading about people who were still suffering after a number of years " god forbid that I am going to feel like this for years" others agreed. But again everyone is different .

My feelings might seem to be harsh and unsympathetic  but believe me my friends will testify to the depth of my grief but I don't know how many years I have left and I aim to enjoy them. I feel that I have a duty to carry on and live the life that we hoped to live together.

Hope some of the things I have said help - if not ignore me.

Deggsy 

Hi Deggsy

Having just read your response to Paddock I actually feel relieved that I should not feel guilty about enjoying the 'here and now'.  I lost my hubby Jan 2015  after his three year journey with Mesothelioma  and still think of him every day and, as you say, carry all the memories with me. Grief, and the emotions that rise and fall with it , is such a personal journey but with the love and support (mutual with regards to our adult children and especially our eldest grandson who struggled to see me alone for some time (even trying to marry me off so that I had help in the kitchen bless him)) of  some family and friends I am today moving forward. Not considering 'dating' but have a good social life and no longer afraid to 'go it alone' though still not managed a holiday by myself.

  At 61 I hope to have a few years yet but life does not always give you what you wish for and I know my hubby, who was 60 at diagnosis,  was very much a live for today kind of man.  I hope I can do his memory proud as I take his legacy forward and am focussing on a project to up date the home we shared all our married life.  I have a new grandchild due at the end of May and our son's wedding early next year to celebrate. My hubby will never be forgotten as he travels with me in my heart  but it took the understanding of those around me, regular chats with my GP (twice monthly to begin with and now every six months unless I feel the need to see her before) and I suppose, most of all, the acceptance in my own mind that I could be allowed to 'be free to enjoy the good things that my life has to offer' - I know hubby would have approved as he did tell the kids 'your Mum will be all right' and most of the time now, I am.

Sorry for waffling and I hope you, Paddock and all who visit the forum can find the peace they deserve in their own time for life is precious and we had to learn that at such a personal cost. Thank you. Jules x

Jules,

I was reading your comment and just wondering how long it took before you felt this way, it's just that I can't see an end to this pain and grief and lonlieness that I am feeling

Debbie xxxxxxx

Hi Debbie

This is difficult to answer from the point of view that it came about gradually rather than all in one go and there are still emotional dips though I seem to be coping with them better. For the first six months or so there was a lot of paperwork to attend to and I was seeing the GP for regular chats whichI found helpful even if they were her suggestion, not mine.  After about six months I decided I needed to give myself a break and came to the conclusion I needed a hobby/project/purpose that was totally different to those I had  before being widowed.

I joined a ladies only gym and found a social outlet . I also chatted openly with the children (adults living their own lives but still mourning the loss of their Dad at the time) and told them I was considering using some of their Dad's legacy to me on improving the home; they were delighted I was showing an interest in things again and have been very much involved in helping me reach decisions.

I still think of hubby every day but with good memories held in my heart to help me through the difficult emotional moments. Hubby said I would make a go of it and I will do it for him, but mainly for myself because I do not feel it is right to waste precious time I have been given.

I did find my part time job was more stressful than I had anticipated and so I have dropped another shift and am copingm ore easily but still struggle with my sleep (waking every 2/3 hrs).  I do think, for me, it was a case of accepting hubby's death, knowing I could not control or change anything as I had done my best for him but grieving is different for everyone and I just found talking therapeutic.

Sorry for the ramble but do hope you realise that chatting on the forum was, for me, my way forward - I felt less alone and am still here as I made some very good virtual friends and have learnt a great deal from their support.  Sending hugs and happy to chat any time.  Jules x

Hi CG

It's definitely a help to have new 'focus' to aim at. In a way my renovations are therapeutic (and also probably long overdue!!).  When we first married (1977) we had hoped to have a new kitchen and even had a quote but was way out of our league.  It's a little sad (and was an emotional decisiom) to know I can have one now but only because of my late hubby's pension but I think he would appreciate me investing in my, and possibly our childrens'future security, by keeping the property and updating it. I am comfortable here and my family and friends are important to have around me but I also enjoy my own space (may come from being an only child ha ha).

It feels good to still  be able to chat on the forum and know that others feel similar to you but the time scales of 'recovery' are such a personal journey.  If hubby's illness/death has taught me one thing it is that my own wellbeing/life is precious and I should enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow (too much!). Sending virtual hugs. Jules x 

Hi am new to all this but my husband passed 5 days before Christmas 2015. We knew it was coming, we had done for some years, palliative doesn't always mean weeks or days, and he cheated it once or twice but fought all the way. It's been a few weeks now and the highs and lows are surreal, sometimes I don't know where or who I am. How do you cope with all this? I have read so many lovely letters and thoughts and each one makes my heart ache more for every one. Does anyone out there have a magic wand or some words that might give some peace or answers to all the questions? Have cried me 'an ocean' and swept through the house like a dose of salts, tried so hard to do all those things they suggest, keep busy, but it still hurts!

Hi minchina

Sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope you will find it helpful to come here and share your feelings.

There are others here who have experienced the loss of loved ones and I hope you will find support from those who will understand how you are feeling now.

Best wishes to you,

Jane