Hi pauline  I have  3 children  my sons are 20 soon to be 21 in April they both have there own places one lives outside London the other one half hour away from me so they come down as often as they can as they work and and one goes uni  and my daughter  is 13 she doing her own thing like  teenagers do ... 

I hear people saying this to me a lot God has a plan for us all ... wonder what mine is as cant seem to find what I'm supposed to do now .....

Hi cfeast yeah the sun is shining very bright herein west London. .sun  always reminds me of tony we both loved the sun in the garden or down at the river that's where you would always find me and tony we would be out in sun till night time ....

I have 3 children   my boys (twins) are 20 and my daughter is 13 ... my boys visit when they can as they both have there own places n work n uni .. and my daughter  does her own thing busy all the time so see her when she's hungry xx

Jes I don't think we will know his plan until the end.  I waited till my children were grown up and did voluntary work, Adoption panel, Community Health Council , School Governor, then got a full time job which I loved and led me into being Deputy Mayoress which was wonderful.  All the time I kept thinking how proud my dear husband would have been.  We get battered in life and when all the pieces are put back together somehow we aren't the same person.  I believe we take on part of our lost, loved one and live part of their lives for them.

You don't look old enough to have grown up kids!!! :) I have 3 boys - 21, 19 and 9.....Yes food is our main purpose in life most of the time! lol Hope you can sit in the sun for you and Tony....I'm sure he would be wishing you peace.x

Thank you cfeast. .. I feel old... and even though that photo in my profile is only last summer I look nothing like that now I was glowing because of my tony he bought the good out in me and now I look a state ...... 

I did walk out in the sun today even though it was cold love  the sun .. as soon as I got out of my front door I burst into tears and had horrible anxiety  all day ... I usually  have that most days now ... 

Found a lovely video on my phone  of tony playing ball with the dog in the garden in the sun music playing in back ground ... made me cry and smile all at the same time didn't even know I had that video ... nice to find it but just so sad as hits me all over again... comes over me in waves and then there's days it's there all the time ....

Hi Chris G..  how are you ? 

                Had another emotional day anxiety was bad had dream last night which made me wake up horrible ... 

Hate the dreams they feel  so real ... 

Yeah it's weird how I just can't talk to my close ones ... got everyone saying to me talk to your mum but I just don't want to .. we have normal conversation but nothing to do with how I feel and to be honest  she doesn't ask she says to people she leaves me to get on with it .. but even if she did ask I would just say yh  I'm OK. ... 

Everyone been saying do something  or arrange something  to look forward  to but there's nothing. . But it hit me today when a friend said it so my answer  was i do look forward to dieing in fact can't wait .... sorry if it sounds awful but I'm just being honest. .. 

That's why I probably don't speak to close people as when I said that before they all went into one which I can understand  but I'm just being honest. .. 

Anyway I hope your ok xx 

Thank you for sending hugs  straight back at you xx 

That is beautiful Chris G! :)

looking after your appearance is the last thing you are gonna be interested in...! I can understand you not wanting to confide to close family how you feel about wanting to die.....Most won't understand and sometimes take it as a personal insult as what would they do without you in their lives....How you feel now is what they would have to go through if they lost you. That is hard but understandable and hopefully eventually you will easily want to stay around for them....Your kids especially need you even though it seems they don't! You only get one Mum! I lost mine at 14 and though she abandoned me when I was 5years old it still broke my heart ( dreams of being rescued -from a cruel and bullying family by a golden haired mother, riding a gleaming white horse, proffessing her love and begging forgiveness- shattered forever!) I have battled depression and unless you have hit rock bottom it is difficult to explain to others your sense of hopelessness but your kids will thank you for trying and will be proud you did for them. Depression and sudden loss does make us selfish but it's not an intentional selfishness with a desire to get what you want regardless of how it hurts others.....It is because you are being turned inside out which makes it very difficult to see anything and at the end of the process your insides are out and raw.....I wish I could link you to something I read recently about loss but I am severely technicaslly challenged (this is about 30mins typing...lol) I will try tho.....It's about the stages of grief likened to waves rolling over you and how at first it is impossible to bear them and they hit you with full force, regularly, without relent.........I shall at least find the title then you can google it. It won't make you fell 'better' like a magic cure but I find it so beautiful and so sensicle (is that even a word) I would advise reading it verytime you feel you cannot cope.... Good luck with a brand new day today and I am glad you got out in the sun and found that precious video... Cxx

Here it is ..... 

Response To Person Grieving For Friend Might Be Best Internet Comment Of All Time
by Adam Albright-Hanna

Here was redditor GSnow’s moving advice: 

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Hope this is helpful to you.....xx