Hi Jess

It's always heartbreaking to read peoples stories but especially so when they are so young with so much of their lives ahead of them. Stomach cancer's one of the real silent ones that creeps up on people without warning so people often have so little time.

I think that must be really hard - when my wife Melanie died in October we'd known for the best part of a decade she had a genetic risk, half her familly had had cancer and then we had 3 years fighting. It was long and wearing but it gave me time to get my head around it as best I could, I'll bet you could have really used 3 years eh?

You know there are 2 sorts of survivor stories people tell on here - those who survive their cancers and those who survive the grief of losing their loved ones.

Right now you feel like you will never be happy again - you will - you will never be the same again but you will be happy - it will take time.

First thing you have to realise is right now your mind is not your friend - this shocked me I'm a pretty level headed sort of guy and I was shocked at how my mind would keep beating me up, how I'd come back to the most painful memories - sounds like you may be the same, I think it's common.

Don't give your brain the space it needs to inflict this pain on you, recognise that all the what if's all the rerunning of what happened they don't help and cause you pain.

When you've come to terms with tha find copeing stragegies things you can do when you catch yourself getting drawn into these thought patterns, maybe its omething simple like making a cup of tea, maybe phoning a friend for a chat - I would go to the gym or do a job around the house - it doesn't matter but *do not sit there and stew*.

Dreams are hard to do that for - are you on anti-depressants?, sometimes they can cause problems with bad dreams, you can get some herbal sleeping pills from the chemists if you've taking something that's disagreeing with you.

It sounds as if Tony was incredibly lucky to have you to help him through his last weeks, and it's so hard that he's not here in turn to help you the the psychological pain that you're going though now. You know that he wouldn't want you to suffer, to feel guilty, nobody does, its the horrid little voice in your head and you're going to have to learn to tame it.

It isn't easy but you can and you will

Yeah graham just a few months more  anything  longer than what we got would have been a blessing ... .just struggling so bad ....

so sorry for your loss too xx

Just wished the doctors  listened to my tony he went for almost a year before they checked  him out    so angry with the world .... 

How awful for you!!! I am so sorry you have been through such hell! If you feel like fighting then you have every right to get justice for the neglect....I know it won't bring your loved one back but there is a real need to pull doctors up for mistakes....Not misdiagnosing which is easy in the mine field of patient symptoms...But real mistakes! You would have a purpose for now and maybe help stop someone else suffering as a result of neglect by the same doctor or practice! Try to stay strong as you are still in shock. Keep reaching out and talking - even if it's just on here as I think many people will want to help you! xx

Thanks you cfeast  ... I can't cope this is killing me xxx 

Jes, my husband and I were about the same age as you and your Tony when he died.  It was over 30 years ago and I can totally relate to your feelings.  I am not going to say the pain will go away anytime soon but what you have to do is just get through the days, knowing that eventually things will get easier.  You will, eventually, have days when you can breath without crying, remember Tony with happiness and know that you must live your life as I am sure he would have wanted.   It isnt easy and you will have meltdowns for an awful long time (I remember having an operation a year after my husband died and asking them if anything happened they weren't to resuscitate me).  Don't

n expect too much of yourself, grief is a dreadful thing to endure.  Is there any group you could join - sometimes teaming up with people who understand where you are coming from is a great help. Sometimes I would just let myself wallow in sadness and cry till I had no more tears. - then I could pick myself up for a while.Sending youbest wishes Jes, and I hope you have peace soon.

Well first I will say you are doing bloody well to still be talking to us! You can be strong and brave and all the things you will need to be to push forward through this. Keep talking to us....be honest as you like....grab a friend maybe and warn them they will have to be strong too but to be patient with you! I wish you could have the pain squashed but for all the joy we have in life there is often an equal ammount of pain....and we do survive because there is a purpose to your life...you just don't know it...None of us do! Sometimes it's just the little things that make some one else feel their life is worth living too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and be prepared for that sign that you are needed here. (and no....I am not religeous....just maybe a little spiritual...But whenever I get to make someone smile....do a good deed...that's when I feel I am worthwhile!) Please keep in touch with people on here.....it seems to have helped so many! :) xxx

Hi pauline    yeah I have joined an on line group and another group young and widowed  .. I totally understand  when you said about when you had an op and that. .. I would say the same. ... I know it's sounds crazy but I can't wait to die to be with my tony again. . Im not scared of death no more ... if I didn't have my kids I would have gone the day I lost my tony ..... I think most days I'd like the world to end so we all go together  as a family ......

Thanks cfeast  ... im very spiritual  .. im looking and waiting for signs all the time ... I need to talk all the time to who ever will listen my people around me are good but now they seem to just say the same thing and it's jarring me ... I do snap at them as I do know what they are saying but they don't know what this feels like where on here everybody  has been through  simular  to me regardless  of what relation. . Cancer is cancer death is death .. people around me just don't get it ..... thank you for talking to me ... 

Jes, I had 3 little children at the time so I threw myself into bringing them up and doing my absolute best for them.  They are all wonderful adults now, with good jobs, homes, partners and children of their own.  Now, they are helping me, at the end of my life.  You see, it goes full circle.  God has a plan for us all. x

The sun is shining today....and the birds are flitting around the fruit trees.....They know nothing of your pain but I wonder what is going on in their little lives? They will be building their nests ready for the Spring... :) How is it where you are? How many kids do you have and how old?xxx

Hi pauline  I have  3 children  my sons are 20 soon to be 21 in April they both have there own places one lives outside London the other one half hour away from me so they come down as often as they can as they work and and one goes uni  and my daughter  is 13 she doing her own thing like  teenagers do ... 

I hear people saying this to me a lot God has a plan for us all ... wonder what mine is as cant seem to find what I'm supposed to do now .....

Hi cfeast yeah the sun is shining very bright herein west London. .sun  always reminds me of tony we both loved the sun in the garden or down at the river that's where you would always find me and tony we would be out in sun till night time ....

I have 3 children   my boys (twins) are 20 and my daughter is 13 ... my boys visit when they can as they both have there own places n work n uni .. and my daughter  does her own thing busy all the time so see her when she's hungry xx

Hi cfeast yeah the sun is shining very bright herein west London. .sun  always reminds me of tony we both loved the sun in the garden or down at the river that's where you would always find me and tony we would be out in sun till night time ....

I have 3 children   my boys (twins) are 20 and my daughter is 13 ... my boys visit when they can as they both have there own places n work n uni .. and my daughter  does her own thing busy all the time so see her when she's hungry xx

You don't look old enough to have grown up kids!!! :) I have 3 boys - 21, 19 and 9.....Yes food is our main purpose in life most of the time! lol Hope you can sit in the sun for you and Tony....I'm sure he would be wishing you peace.x

Thank you cfeast. .. I feel old... and even though that photo in my profile is only last summer I look nothing like that now I was glowing because of my tony he bought the good out in me and now I look a state ...... 

I did walk out in the sun today even though it was cold love  the sun .. as soon as I got out of my front door I burst into tears and had horrible anxiety  all day ... I usually  have that most days now ... 

Found a lovely video on my phone  of tony playing ball with the dog in the garden in the sun music playing in back ground ... made me cry and smile all at the same time didn't even know I had that video ... nice to find it but just so sad as hits me all over again... comes over me in waves and then there's days it's there all the time ....

looking after your appearance is the last thing you are gonna be interested in...! I can understand you not wanting to confide to close family how you feel about wanting to die.....Most won't understand and sometimes take it as a personal insult as what would they do without you in their lives....How you feel now is what they would have to go through if they lost you. That is hard but understandable and hopefully eventually you will easily want to stay around for them....Your kids especially need you even though it seems they don't! You only get one Mum! I lost mine at 14 and though she abandoned me when I was 5years old it still broke my heart ( dreams of being rescued -from a cruel and bullying family by a golden haired mother, riding a gleaming white horse, proffessing her love and begging forgiveness- shattered forever!) I have battled depression and unless you have hit rock bottom it is difficult to explain to others your sense of hopelessness but your kids will thank you for trying and will be proud you did for them. Depression and sudden loss does make us selfish but it's not an intentional selfishness with a desire to get what you want regardless of how it hurts others.....It is because you are being turned inside out which makes it very difficult to see anything and at the end of the process your insides are out and raw.....I wish I could link you to something I read recently about loss but I am severely technicaslly challenged (this is about 30mins typing...lol) I will try tho.....It's about the stages of grief likened to waves rolling over you and how at first it is impossible to bear them and they hit you with full force, regularly, without relent.........I shall at least find the title then you can google it. It won't make you fell 'better' like a magic cure but I find it so beautiful and so sensicle (is that even a word) I would advise reading it verytime you feel you cannot cope.... Good luck with a brand new day today and I am glad you got out in the sun and found that precious video... Cxx

Here it is ..... 

Response To Person Grieving For Friend Might Be Best Internet Comment Of All Time
by Adam Albright-Hanna

Here was redditor GSnow’s moving advice: 

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Hope this is helpful to you.....xx
 
 
 

Cfeast yh  that's the only reason I have done myself in as I think that I don't want my kids to feel this pain I feel right now it's horrible and I don't wanna inflict pain like this on anyone .... especially  not them. .. then I get angry I just wanna die I want them to let me but that's ridiculous  as that's never gonna happen and I'd never ask for them to offer that ... but I wish I could go. .... but I won't cause of them .... then I think to myself that it was selfish of me to bring children into this cruel world ... 

My 3 kids thought a lot of tony he was a great step dad but they only knew him for a year but in that year they really clicked with him ... even though I knew tony for years my first love at 13 then we moved away and got back when we was 19 then moved away I had my children he had his lost contact for so so long then met up again and was like we never parted both feel for each other once again then it's just seem to go so fast one minute we was planning holidays kids marrage and enjoy our life next thing he was diagnosed then all of sudden dead ... this is killing me everyone este gets more years we didn't but what we had was amazing everyone says it's the happiest they ever see us and it was true we both felt so overwhelmed  with the love we had and I still have ... he called me his diamond and used to get so upset we couldn't find each other sooner as we was ment to be ... he was a true gent and Angel sent from above to give me the love then he was snatch away .... 

Too cruel ....

Thank you for being here for me xx and reading these poems story's and quotes. .. im not alone and sharing with you all and you lot have had loss too but wow your all so strong thank you each and everyone one of you messaging me .... I will do your heads in as feel I can say anything  to you and your never judging xx thank you sending massive virtual  hugs  and blessings to you all xx speak soon ... im on my way out to get some bits to take to crematorium  for tony for valentines  day xx gonna be harder day on Sunday. ... sending love xx

That truly is cruel....I am glad you found each other when you did.....He really needed you in the end hey....You guys just didn't know it was gonna come to that....And I feel really sad for you! We may seem strong but we are you on a different day....at a different time in our lives. You are us with the pain still raw. I will be here whenever you need as I know you would be for us. And good luck at the crem and for making it through valentines day. love back atcha. C.xx

Jess - just reading your story and there's nothing I can say that will take your pain away .. thank you for being so candid and honest ..... dying is something that I've thought of myself although I know deep down I won't do it ... but at times it seems like a blessed relief from all the pain.  Death throws up so many deep emotions - you're not just dealing with that person's death but everyone's reaction and opinions to it as well.  I've found that the people who I thought would be there for me aren't and yet I have been pleasantly surprised by others ... so much going on, so many thoughts and yet I struggle to find the strength to see what path to take.  

The wave story struck home ... you must feel like that as well ... my Mum died at Christmas and I don't even know what to feel.  

Keep posting and we will keep replying and offering you support - sometimes it's easier to type the words than say them, to talk to "virtual" people rather than real ones - whatever works you take it. 

Beautiful, thank you x

You are most welcome. I wish I could write that well! :)  x

73allingham.. so sorry for your loss. .yeah it's hard to know what to feel. . I feel every emotion  possible more hurt and destroyed  than anything  ..and i find  it's so much easier to type  to people. . I can talk but I tend to switch off and go silent after a while. . While silent as in not speaking but in my head it goes round and round 24 7 .... 

Yeah the dying thing yep I would do it without a doubt as I've said before I cant wait to go ... just can't as kids but I so want to ... I have no soul no heart no life no more ... but im going along cause of my kids even though most days I don't want to. ..  

And yeah it's shocked me how some people have reacted especially  my tonys  family. . Heartless  cruel people no wonder why he always said to me to keep away now I know .... even certain  so called friends  are so so distance. . But I don't go crawling cause I don't want them in my life now I know what there all about. .. 

Anyone that can be there for you right now hold them tight they are the true people xx 

Sending you love  xx thank you for your message xx