Hi Jess

It's always heartbreaking to read peoples stories but especially so when they are so young with so much of their lives ahead of them. Stomach cancer's one of the real silent ones that creeps up on people without warning so people often have so little time.

I think that must be really hard - when my wife Melanie died in October we'd known for the best part of a decade she had a genetic risk, half her familly had had cancer and then we had 3 years fighting. It was long and wearing but it gave me time to get my head around it as best I could, I'll bet you could have really used 3 years eh?

You know there are 2 sorts of survivor stories people tell on here - those who survive their cancers and those who survive the grief of losing their loved ones.

Right now you feel like you will never be happy again - you will - you will never be the same again but you will be happy - it will take time.

First thing you have to realise is right now your mind is not your friend - this shocked me I'm a pretty level headed sort of guy and I was shocked at how my mind would keep beating me up, how I'd come back to the most painful memories - sounds like you may be the same, I think it's common.

Don't give your brain the space it needs to inflict this pain on you, recognise that all the what if's all the rerunning of what happened they don't help and cause you pain.

When you've come to terms with tha find copeing stragegies things you can do when you catch yourself getting drawn into these thought patterns, maybe its omething simple like making a cup of tea, maybe phoning a friend for a chat - I would go to the gym or do a job around the house - it doesn't matter but *do not sit there and stew*.

Dreams are hard to do that for - are you on anti-depressants?, sometimes they can cause problems with bad dreams, you can get some herbal sleeping pills from the chemists if you've taking something that's disagreeing with you.

It sounds as if Tony was incredibly lucky to have you to help him through his last weeks, and it's so hard that he's not here in turn to help you the the psychological pain that you're going though now. You know that he wouldn't want you to suffer, to feel guilty, nobody does, its the horrid little voice in your head and you're going to have to learn to tame it.

It isn't easy but you can and you will

Yeah graham just a few months more  anything  longer than what we got would have been a blessing ... .just struggling so bad ....

so sorry for your loss too xx

Just wished the doctors  listened to my tony he went for almost a year before they checked  him out    so angry with the world .... 

Thanks you cfeast  ... I can't cope this is killing me xxx 

Jes, my husband and I were about the same age as you and your Tony when he died.  It was over 30 years ago and I can totally relate to your feelings.  I am not going to say the pain will go away anytime soon but what you have to do is just get through the days, knowing that eventually things will get easier.  You will, eventually, have days when you can breath without crying, remember Tony with happiness and know that you must live your life as I am sure he would have wanted.   It isnt easy and you will have meltdowns for an awful long time (I remember having an operation a year after my husband died and asking them if anything happened they weren't to resuscitate me).  Don't

n expect too much of yourself, grief is a dreadful thing to endure.  Is there any group you could join - sometimes teaming up with people who understand where you are coming from is a great help. Sometimes I would just let myself wallow in sadness and cry till I had no more tears. - then I could pick myself up for a while.Sending youbest wishes Jes, and I hope you have peace soon.

Well first I will say you are doing bloody well to still be talking to us! You can be strong and brave and all the things you will need to be to push forward through this. Keep talking to us....be honest as you like....grab a friend maybe and warn them they will have to be strong too but to be patient with you! I wish you could have the pain squashed but for all the joy we have in life there is often an equal ammount of pain....and we do survive because there is a purpose to your life...you just don't know it...None of us do! Sometimes it's just the little things that make some one else feel their life is worth living too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and be prepared for that sign that you are needed here. (and no....I am not religeous....just maybe a little spiritual...But whenever I get to make someone smile....do a good deed...that's when I feel I am worthwhile!) Please keep in touch with people on here.....it seems to have helped so many! :) xxx

Hi pauline    yeah I have joined an on line group and another group young and widowed  .. I totally understand  when you said about when you had an op and that. .. I would say the same. ... I know it's sounds crazy but I can't wait to die to be with my tony again. . Im not scared of death no more ... if I didn't have my kids I would have gone the day I lost my tony ..... I think most days I'd like the world to end so we all go together  as a family ......

Thanks cfeast  ... im very spiritual  .. im looking and waiting for signs all the time ... I need to talk all the time to who ever will listen my people around me are good but now they seem to just say the same thing and it's jarring me ... I do snap at them as I do know what they are saying but they don't know what this feels like where on here everybody  has been through  simular  to me regardless  of what relation. . Cancer is cancer death is death .. people around me just don't get it ..... thank you for talking to me ... 

Jes, I had 3 little children at the time so I threw myself into bringing them up and doing my absolute best for them.  They are all wonderful adults now, with good jobs, homes, partners and children of their own.  Now, they are helping me, at the end of my life.  You see, it goes full circle.  God has a plan for us all. x

The sun is shining today....and the birds are flitting around the fruit trees.....They know nothing of your pain but I wonder what is going on in their little lives? They will be building their nests ready for the Spring... :) How is it where you are? How many kids do you have and how old?xxx

Hi pauline  I have  3 children  my sons are 20 soon to be 21 in April they both have there own places one lives outside London the other one half hour away from me so they come down as often as they can as they work and and one goes uni  and my daughter  is 13 she doing her own thing like  teenagers do ... 

I hear people saying this to me a lot God has a plan for us all ... wonder what mine is as cant seem to find what I'm supposed to do now .....

Hi cfeast yeah the sun is shining very bright herein west London. .sun  always reminds me of tony we both loved the sun in the garden or down at the river that's where you would always find me and tony we would be out in sun till night time ....

I have 3 children   my boys (twins) are 20 and my daughter is 13 ... my boys visit when they can as they both have there own places n work n uni .. and my daughter  does her own thing busy all the time so see her when she's hungry xx

Jes I don't think we will know his plan until the end.  I waited till my children were grown up and did voluntary work, Adoption panel, Community Health Council , School Governor, then got a full time job which I loved and led me into being Deputy Mayoress which was wonderful.  All the time I kept thinking how proud my dear husband would have been.  We get battered in life and when all the pieces are put back together somehow we aren't the same person.  I believe we take on part of our lost, loved one and live part of their lives for them.

Jes I don't think we will know his plan until the end.  I waited till my children were grown up and did voluntary work, Adoption panel, Community Health Council , School Governor, then got a full time job which I loved and led me into being Deputy Mayoress which was wonderful.  All the time I kept thinking how proud my dear husband would have been.  We get battered in life and when all the pieces are put back together somehow we aren't the same person.  I believe we take on part of our lost, loved one and live part of their lives for them.