Hi Deggsy I can completely relate to this

My wife died of primary peritoneal cancer back in October. She was at high risk of ovarian cancer and had had a hysterectomy to prevent this so when she showed up with symptoms but no ovaries it was very confusing for all until PPC was diagnosed!

Amazingly she had few symptoms until the last week - never seemed to be an actual blockage but the best guess seems to be she had a bowel shutdown then an associated infection which she was unable to throw off with a compromised immune system. And yes her last 2 or 3 days were the hardest thing I've ever lived through.

All I can say is be there for her, make sure she's as comfortable as possible and gets the pain relief she needs - ask to talk to the palliative team at the hospital they can help you in this and can explain what it will probably be like to be there when it happens so you know what to expect - I found that took so much of the worry out of it for me.

Don't worry too much now about afterwards - you'll have a lot of grief as so many of us on here have but your friends and familly will help and so will people on here

spend these last days with her well, if you can, try to take her mind off it a bit and be strong for her so she's not worried about what will happen to you when she's gone.

And stay with us on line and we'll see if we can't help you pick up the pieces 

Thanks Graham,

My wife is recieving the very best care that anyone could wish for at our local hospice and the staff are there  for all of  us and as you have said have prepared us all for what is going to happen. What I didn't say was the prognosis of short  weeks was given when she went  into the hospice on christmas eve and here  we  are at the end of Jan. she's a  real fighter. Living with the fact that there is no long term future and trying to make every day  special has been hard and then coming home each night wondering if that will  be the last time I see her, over such a long time causes me to question so many things.

I will keep posting as it does help to keep my emotions in check

Thanks again.

Hi Deggsy

Sorry I have not responded since my last reply. Unfortunately lost internet access.

No matter how confused your dear wife may be, I know you will  keep talking with her and as others have said being pain free is so important. My Dad was kept pain free in the hospice and with my husband (whose pain resistence even amazed the doctors) who was able to stay at home, the community/palliative team were so good to make sure he was kept comfortable all the way to his passing.  His was a 'mild discomfort' kind of chap and I hope you feel well supported during this journey that none of of wished to make. Takecare. Jules

Thanks Jules and all other well wishers.

My wife is surprising them all at the hospice, in her good moments she still shows her wit and enjoys a conversation with the staff. They are keeping her comfortable and that is all we can ask.

Thanks again

Hi Deggsy, Just wondering how you and your wife are today.

Hi Deggsy

Those precious moments lift the spirits for a while dont they. Keeping you both in my thoughts. Jules

Thinking of you, Deggsy. x

Well she still goes on, last night we had nice hour with me perched on the edge of the  bed giving her a cuddle,which she said she enjoyed. Today she has been asleep most of the time, not eating,  drinking enough but I don't think she can go on  much longer.  But who knows, the hospice are even asking if there is an anniversary coming up that she is targeting.

Thanks for all the good wishes.

Deggsy

Hi all

Just to say that my wife is managing to fight on, she always enjoyed life and she is not prepared  to give it up easily.

As far as I am concerned,  I came across an old news article which resonated with me and my situation. It referred to what they termed " virtual  widow/er" where a partner has literally been taken away but is still there. This isn't exclusive to cancer but the emotional problems are the same. Probably this is more so when the partner  is in care, the comments ranged in the article from, like me, feelings of guilt when your mind goes to your future and the way friends react to you often only wanting to talk about your partners illness. As one person commented having spent all day visiting and dealing with it you don't really need to discuss it endlessly. Other comments were that socialising stops either because you don't get invited on your own or you feel awkward about going out when your partner can't. 

I cannot see anyone discussing this, there seems to be a number of people in this situation.

Hi Deggsy, I've stumbled across your post in an effort to feel like there is something, anything I can do or any information I can find as I sit and watch my mum slowly deteriorate. I felt compelled to reply as you posted earlier today. She was diagnosed with peritoneal cancer in November 2013 and 65 various chemo treatments later, almost 3 years to her diagnosis day, she started to be sick. Since then she hasn't stopped, despite various drugs and now, finally, a syringe driver to try to keep on top of it. We were told by the hospice nurse yesterday that her symptoms are disease progression so these next couple of days are her last at home for the foreseeable future (forever?). She loves the hospice though it is beautiful and you can roll the beds out onto the lake, particularly beautiful in the spring sunshine. Anyway despite rambling on I did have a purpose in writing, to say that you are not alone and, if there is any comfort, I am thinking of you and your wife.  Kat

Hi Kat

I felt to reply to your post because my wife also had peritoneal and also went through 3 years 1 month of chemo with almost no symptoms and then became suddenly sick.

We don't fully know what happened in her case but the sickness stopped and restarted 3 or 4 days later - this time she didn't recover - she didn't have a bowel blockage as such but I think from my research it was most likely a bowel shutdown and she went downhill amazingly quickly - I'm grateful for that she never wanted to be immobile and dependent - she was terrified of that.

Actually - this is a bit emotional now I'm remebering again - but I think the last, best thing I was able to do for her was to get the hospital team to stop the anti-biotics that were just slowing the inevitable.

I don't regret it for a moment it was a hell of a decision to take on your shoulders but I know she'd have thanked me for it.

I hope neither you or Deggsy need to make a decision like that - but maybe you should think about what you'd do 

Hi Deggsy

What an amazing fighting spirit your wife has.

The virtual widow/widower article would apply to many here on the forum I think.   My own hubby was terminally ill for nearly three years and peoples attitudes definitely changed towards us as a couple (except for those exceptional friends and of course, our children, whose support and love  will forever be held dear). Some relatives even gave him a wide berth as they could not cope themselves with seeing his decline.  Finding this forum community 'virtually' kept me going and is why I still feel part of it since his passing. Some individuals just seem to think if they do not talk about the illness/death it wont affect them - sadly they are wrong and we all have to face things we would rather not and offer love and support to others in times of need.  Thank you for taking time out of your loving and caring role to update your thread.  Wishing you and your wife a peaceful and comfortable day.  Jules x

Hi Deggsy

What an amazing fighting spirit your wife has.

The virtual widow/widower article would apply to many here on the forum I think.   My own hubby was terminally ill for nearly three years and peoples attitudes definitely changed towards us as a couple (except for those exceptional friends and of course, our children, whose support and love  will forever be held dear). Some relatives even gave him a wide berth as they could not cope themselves with seeing his decline.  Finding this forum community 'virtually' kept me going and is why I still feel part of it since his passing. Some individuals just seem to think if they do not talk about the illness/death it wont affect them - sadly they are wrong and we all have to face things we would rather not and offer love and support to others in times of need.  Thank you for taking time out of your loving and caring role to update your thread.  Wishing you and your wife a peaceful and comfortable day.  Jules x