Hi - I totally understand where you're at.  My Mother died in frightful circumstances - she too had only been in hospital for 8 weeks but the end was ugly.  Unfortunately I can't expunge her last days from my mind at the moment and I wake up at 03:00 hrs most nights.  

I'm going through her things and digging out lovely old photos of her - photos of when she was in her 50s and looked stunning.  It's helping having these out as when I look up from the sofa I see a fit lady not someone who was ravaged by pain.  

I'm thinking of joining a bereavement group ... just to be able to talk things through with people who are going through the same.  I have friends who knew Mum well but they don't feel her loss like I do and I feel as though I am burdening them.  

I think what you are feeling is normal - its such early days ..... I often feel anger at what hapened as I felt powerless to take the pain away.  

Being sleep deprived won't help either - I find I over react after only getting a few hours rest so am thinking of asking the doctor for a light sleeping pill - just for a couple of weeks so as I can get my sleep patterns sorted.  I'm not sure if you would want this .....

Hi

You know when my wife died in October one of the things I was surprised about the grieving was the fact that I found myself coming back to the most painful moments in my mind again and again. I'm a pretty hard headed and practical sort of person yet I would continue to play those last painful days in my head.

I came to realise that cra@p things happen to nice people, there is a lot of pain in the world and sometimes great people who don't deserve it go through it.

But it's over now - you couldn't have done anything different to save him from it I'm sure and this tendency we have to go over and over painful memories is only causing you pain for no benefit.

The tough part is to try to train yourself not to think about it. It's going to break through into your mind - Be tough. when it does go and do something else that will get you thinking of other things other than him and what he went through. Build up a little set of things that you can do to take your mind off of it.

Now it sounds like I'm advising you to try to forget about him - in a way I am but for a few months. It's too raw now just a few weeks on, I'm guessing you've hit that tough patch after the funeral when everybody has gone back to their routines and it's yesterdays news. You'll have time to think about him and remember him fondly in a few months time - you're not going to forget him but right now your brain is your own worst enemy and you have to find ways to distract it.

When my wife died I went and told the story to all her friends as many as I could find to listen. All those difficult areas. It was emotional and I was lucky to have so many good people to talk to and with each retelling it became a little easier and because I was getting it out in the day with other people I found it easier not to think about it in the evening when I was alone and more vulnerable to myself - I recomend it. If it's hard to find people come here and tell us - we'll listen.

Just try to make a rule that you'll do this remembering and going over it with other people physical or on line and on your own terms - don't let it burst in on you, try and shut it out when it does.

I don't know if this makes sense to you, it's the way I coped

And remember this happens to hundreds and hundreds of people - there are dozens of people on here at different stages of recovery from grief - they've got through it,they are getting through it and you will too - it won't be easy - it never is - read their stories on these threads you're not alone

Hi

Welcome to the forum though sorry for the reason you find yourself here.  I lost my husband (aged 63) and thus our children their Dad a year ago this week and the early days of grief are so hard as all you can see are those last days images.  My husband was terminally ill for nearly three years and though at home throughout none of it was easy for him or the family around him.

It is such early days for you and the loss of your Dad in such a short space of time knocks you for six. Please chat on the forum as there are some very understanding people here and though it's virtual  it will mean you can talk through things whenever you feel like it.

Being further along from my loss I can say that of course we will always miss our loved ones but I found a really good memory and now use this to replace those difficult ones.  As a family we talk of him regularly (I have two grandsons and the 7 year old chats about his grandad a lot)  and coping one day at a time was my way forward,  Life is now different but the memories in our hearts cannot be taken away.

Sometimes it helps to have counselling and the hospice or your GP can help with this if you need support.  I still have sleep issues but put this down to the fact that I would wake to check on my hubby two or three times during the night whilst he was sick and it could take a while to get into a new routine. Some things cannot be rushed.  There is no right or wrong way to feel as everyone grieves in their own way and tears bring some release.  Take care  Jules54

Following Jules' excellent point about counciling check out cruse

http://www.cruse.org.uk/

They offer coucilling over the phone or via e-mail as well as face-to-face groups with volunteers and others going through it

Hi there, I lost my dad in similar circumstances although in time I've realise it doesn't matter how all that matters is you lost them. My dad had what was believed to be lung cancer that had sores to his liver and maybe even more places. He was diagnosed on a Wednesday and gone on the Saturday. No time to adjust and get your head around it, just gone in the blink of an eye! It wasn't a peaceful passing and every bit of it haunts me... I'm now 12 weeks into this thing they call grief, week 5 I really hit rock bottom. At the beginning not a minute went past I didn't think about my dad, now I have times when he's not on my mind all the time. I struggled with what my dad must of gone through as we didn't know he was unwell till 3 weeks before he passed. My dad had either hidden his cancer or was in denial of being so unwell. I look back on the signs we missed or he covered up and it just breaks my heart. I think in time you will be in a better place emotionally and only time can get you there. All this aside I feel truly heartbroken and life will never be the same. Take care of yourself x

I lost my beautiful wife two weeks ago in similar circumstances. To see such a wonderful person literally destroyed by cancer broke my heart into a million pieces. I can see no future for me without my darling. The only comfort is that there are literally thousands of people who understand,share and feel the raw pain of your loss of your Dad to this filthy disease.I send you all my thoughts and pray that we are both able to carry on.