Cancer Research UK main site

how do you cope?

joycejoyce
Offline

my lovely dad passed away 11 days ago on 3rd of December... even though he was diagnosed 2 years ago with prostate cancer which had spread into his bones he had responded well to treatment... in a very short space of six weeks his cancer took his health completely and his life... how do you cope?? im struggling massively.. friends i thought would be there just aren't.. it should bring me and my brothers and sister closer but it hasn't.. the grief is overwhelming.. im struggling to hold it together at work.. dads funeral is this Friday... Christmas is something im selfishly resenting ... everyone so happy when i just want to scream and cry!!!! then i feel bad as dad even at the very end tried to smile.. watching him waste away was awful.. 

  • Offline

    Terminal Lung Cancer - chemo affecting the brain - by Nicole89

    Hi Joyce - I am so very sorry that your dear Dad has passed away after such a brave struggle with this disease.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  Another young lady - Nicole - lost her Dad on Friday and is feeling just as you are.  I have put details of her thread above and hope you will contact her so that you can support each other - you will understand completely how each other feel.

    Take care sweetheart x

  • Offline

    Hi

    I know how you feel, my mum died 10 weeks ago.

    Not been to well. Been staying at my brothers who has been pain to my parents and me for years.

    My brother gave me stick and something silly told me to leave and so did his girlfriend even though been taking to work. Nice.

    I lived and looked after my mother, so first time sleeping at home this very night since mum past. Mum was the house, filled it with joy and love.

    I have a girlfriend who not been that understanding. My friends stopped phoning after they found mum had cancer

    My mum was quite well for over 2 years.Then went depressed and then after few weeks later was weak. Had lot  of sickness and died.

    I've been in shock/dazed for weeks.

    Christmas was my mums Birthday.  Was staying at brothers for the Christmas. That's off now.

    Their more worried about room in mum freezer, than my mum.

    It was a honour to look after mum.

  • Offline

    I am so sorry for your loss, I want to give you a big hug! I lost my Dad two weeks ago and feel exactly the same way you do! Right now I'm feeling lots of anger at my Dad being taken away too soon and for other people happily going about their day while my life is in pieces, I know that is totally irrational! I feel bad about feeling this way

    I struggle too, some days are better than others, yesterday I didn’t really cry but today felt really tearing! I hate being at work as finding it so hard to care about it and just don’t want to talk to my colleagues, who feel awkward around me sometimes.

    I am sorry that your friend’s haven’t been supportive that is hard as now is when you need them most. I have a friend who lost he father 8 years ago and she has been a great support to me as she understands what I am going through.

    Unfortunately death can cause a lot of discord in the family too, I hope you can resolve those as this is the time when you all need each other

    If you every need to talk, just message me. My thought and prayers are with you

  • Offline in reply to Nelly-O

    Hi joycejoyce

    Sorry for the loss of your dad.

    I am glad to see you have received a warm and supportive welcome here from our lovely members.

    I hope it will help to come and chat when you are feeling low and I hope too that all goes well on Friday.

    Best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time,

    Jane

     

  • Offline

    Wow - I guess you don't always realise how lucky you are.

     

    I've been very fortunate to have had a huge amount of support from friends and familly since my wife died and I really don't know what sort of a state I'd be in now if I'd not had that.

     

    I guess that some people are just kind of embarassed, not knowing whether they'll say the wrong thing maybe some of the familly are struggling with their own grief.

     

    Whatever the reason, well I have a "lifeboat list" of friends in my head - those that if the worst came to the worst you'd want in the lifeboat with you and another set, lovely thought they may be, I'd prefer to swim in the other direction.

    I guess you find out who your friends are.

    Really tough when you have to go to work after that and before the funeral - I was very lucky that my company has been very understanding and encouraged me to take the time I needed, maybe it was because in my case it was a spouse and not a parent but I certainly wasn't ready to go back until after the funeral.

    Maybe the answer to your question "How do you cope" is - we don't

    Many (most maybe all)  of us on here found it just as hard in the first days - some of us are recovering quicker than others.

    One tip perhaps - I do find that we can have an incredible ability to beat ourselves up - for some reason we dwell on the most painful parts of the experience, the last days, hours, moments. I know if I give in to it and let myself I can keep coming back to the last moments of my wife's life as she died as I held her hand. It's immensely painful and very unproductive - see I'm finding an excuse to relive it now in the guise of offering you advice!!  

    Sounds as if you do to the way you talk about his wasting away - Don't give in to it - it hurts to much now to think about it - be disciplined, learn to think of something else when it comes to mind - your dad wouldn't want to see you in pain, he'd want you to think about the good times.

    Block outthe painful memories, it's not hard or breaking faith with your father's memory its self preservation - you'll be able to remember the tough times in due course - just not now 

    Nobody's sticking pins in us, twisting our arms. This pain comes from our memories, it comes from within - that's where the healing has to come from too.   

  • Offline

    Hi joycejoyce - I lost my father on Friday and had his funeral today. The only advice I have is do your father proud keep your head up and remember the good times. I truly believe he is watching you m, it's odd because I don't know that i believe in God but I truly believe in the after life.  It's the only way I'm going to get through this. If you want to chat please don't be afraid to message. I am sending love. We put letters in with my dad that also helped me. Sorry for your loss xx

  • Offline in reply to Nicole89

     

    Hi Joycejoyce,

    I am also so sorry for your loss although those words are no comfort at all really. I go to a great doctor who is very good, what I was told is that yeh you don't cope, and that's ok, your human and that's normal. I lost the love of my life Jean a month ago, it was in her bones too, well th bit was everywhere!! She went within two months. Only 47.

    Anyway, the advice I was given is that the first 6 months is just pain, pure pain, all this go to counselling stuff ain't a great help while you are in so much pain.

    Take one day at a time, especially at the moment, I am also finding all this xmas stuff very very annoying!

    I hope you keep coming on and for these first six months, just talk to anyone and everyone that you trust and get through as best you can.

    It's really helped me on here and chatted to some lovely people who, one way or another we all share something in common.

    Gucci

     

     

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.