Hey all. Firstly I just want to say that I'm new to this site so sorry if this is in the wrong category or that I'm doing something wrong. I really just need people to talk about it to, as I struggle to share my feelings with others face to face. 

So.. I've been depressed for the passed year due to a lot of things. Namely my mother's cancer, but also the fact that I am completely alone ever since I moved back to England, due to me not being able to fit in, and my family's financial issues. And after what happened last week, Im getting more and more scared that suicide actually seems like a prospect. My life's hell right now, and on top of the problems I had before I now have this horrible grief. And I have no idea how to handle it (first family death).

Me and mum had a love and hate relationship, and I think that's what's making it so difficult. I feel really guilty  that I didn't do as much as I could of while she was fighting. I never said "I love you" as much as I should of. And while I helped quite a lot, due to this one stupid disagreement I only went round to see her once in the last two weeks of her life.. I hate myself for that. I love my mum and I feel like she might not have fully known that when she died. And while yes I was with her on her final day, I never even got to say goodbye or "I love you" one last time. It was all so sudden. She was doing well the day before, and then suddenly she was taken to the hospice, and was heavily drugged soon after. I feel horrible. And I can't get the final few minutes out of my head. Above the obvious pain and horror there is of seeing your mother die, her throat made this horrible clicking sound as if she was suffocating. Could this be true? The thought of her suffocating and me just watching makes me feel 10x worse.

Anyway.. Sorry for such a long post, but I really just need to vent, to put it all down somewhere. Has anyone got any advice on how to cope? What to do? Can anyone relate?

Ontop of this stress, I've also just started college. (another source of depression..) and while it's good, I've had to take time off due to all this and I'm way behind. I feel like an absolute failure on so many levels...