I'm also having a hard time properly crying, which makes me feel even more guilty. I know crying is important, and I want to because there's certainly a lot I need to let out but I can't for some reason.. It feels like I'm repressing it somehow. 

Hi Josh,

I have read your post and let me tell you this, Mothers have a way of knowing we love them without us saying anything. A lot of the feelings like what you say about not doing enough are guilty feelings most of us feel; I promise you I felt much the same. When we lose someone we love like a parent, it is one of the hardest things we face in life at any age but to lose your mother at your age is even harder. Please dont feel guilty that you havent cried; it doesnt mean you dont care. One only has to read what youve written to understand that.

Just the act of writting your feelings down will help Josh. Some of us feel we cant talk to others about our inner feelings so that why this forum is so good for we can open our heart and talk to people anonamously  while knowing they know what we are going through for most have felt the same. I lost my mother several years ago to breast cancer which spread to her brain and to see her lying in bed hardly recognising me was so hard. And then last Wednesday I lost my father who lived in Canada to prostate cancer and age (he was 93) so I have some idea how you feel.

At the moment you feel you cant cope but you will find an inner strength from somewhere I promise. I hope you dont mind me writing this next bit. Allthough your mother is no longer with you, A part of her lives on in you through the genes she passed on to you. You are obviously a very caring young man who is going through a very difficult and painful time right now. Trust me Josh you are not a failure, please dont think that.

Please keep in contact and I hope others will also reply to you. Take care, sending kind thoughts your way, Brian.

Hi Josh

Sorry to hear about everything you are going through at the moment and for the loss of your mum. It's great to see that Woodworm has offered you a warm welcome, as well as some kind words of advice.

I really hope that writing everything down here and receiving support from this friendly forum will help you in these very raw first days as you come to terms with what has happened.

I'd like to point you too in the direction of another website here which you might find helpful. It is for people of your age who have lost a parent. You can chat to others going through similar experiences.  

Also, our nurses would be more than happy to talk to you on our helpline if you would like to chat to anyone on the phone about how you are feeling. You can call: 0808 800 4040 from Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm.

I wonder too if your college know about what is happening at home? They may be able to offer you support and advice. If they know why you have fallen behind with your studies they may be able to offer you some help with this situation too.

Please come here and chat whenever you feel the need to talk to someone,

Best wishes

Jane

Hi Josh,

I can relate a little to what you are going through.  My Mum also died just before my 16th birthday and we also had an argument the night before she died and I didn't get a chance to say sorry and I also felt guilty.  I am now much older and a mum myself - here on this site because my son had cancer.

I feel sure your mum would have known how much you loved her.  You don't need to say it all the time for someone to feel it.  Everything is still so raw for you and you have made a first step by posting on here.  I think the website the nurses have signposted may be worth looking at.  It is sometimes easier to relate to people who have some understanding of what you may be going through.  I tried lots of things after my mum died - but most of the time I felt people didn't understand and it was only when I connected with people going through a similar experience that it helped, but it did take time.

The important thing is to focus on what was good - and there will have been lots of things.  Take one step at a time, even if it is only a small step which will keep you moving forwards.

Take care, Joanne

Josh, Jane is right about college.  They have people in place for just the situation you find yourself in and they will give you the help you need.

Even if you hadn't had an argument with your mum before you would have found something else to beat yourself up about because that is the way we are.  I had looked after my mum at home for several months before she died and yet I searched for things that I could blame myself for.  Human beings are complex and we shouldnt try to work out why!  It will take a long while to come to terms with this, Josh, so dont think you should be moving on, just accept there will be good and bad times and youwill gradually come out the other side.  You will never forget but you will be able to cope in time. And you arent repressing the tears, if they need to come, they will.

Hi Josh, i have just read your post and I am so sorry for you lost. I lost my Dad in July and nothing will every prepare you for watching a love one die. Its tough and something that you should not be facing at your age. I want you to listen to my words  as a mother of twin girls who are very similar to you, no matter what we say to each other, the arguments we have, the nagging I do, nothing will change the love I have for my children ....its unconditional. Your mum loves you very much and always will. Guilt is part of the grieving process and you will be saying what if I had done this or things could have been different if. When I felt like this about my Dad I went through pictures to remind myself how happy he had been  and try to find some pictures of your mum and you together. Every time you see the image of your mum last moments, look at a picture of her smiling. It's worked for me. I know in the early stages of grief you go to some dark places, please go and speak to  someone about this . If your mum had hospice care then you should be offered some conselling services. I've just taken this up. I've never done anything like it before and I was a little  concerned about it, but it has help. Also use this forum as often as you need, I've found it so helpful and the support from other is just so wonderful.  Big hugs to you sweetheart. You feel so lost when you lose a parent and the pain of that loss is undescrible. But a parents love is unconditional remember. xxxxx