Hi Paul,

I've been through similar, When my mum past away in 2009 I was in limbo so to speak. I kept on like normal and I didn't want to stop really because when you stop you start thinking and thinking and thinking some more. 

It will take time to come to terms with that happened, we all process things in different ways, different time scales and there is no right or wrong way.

There's no need to feel guilty about socialising with brothers and sisters, it's a double edge sword really of shall we ask or shall we not, how would he feel, reaction and so on. When you do go out and you feel guilty of doing so think to yourself 'I'm taking steps to feeling not guilty' which I think is what you want from what you have written.

I found that when I went to bed and I was trying to go to sleep it was difficult, I coped by basically letting it all out, I would cry I would put my headphones in and blast my music in an attempt to drown the thoughts out but in the end they will be there until we give our mind time to process what's happened.

You could write your thought's in a diary, call a friend (they really wouldn't mind because they're your friend and you would do the same for them) or talk to your family. 

I used to think like you that I was being too much for family, friends or others around me but people really don't mind.

Take Care x

Hi there,

Thank you for your kind words, it is still tough even now, but i have had lots of advice from this forum, the Bereavment meetings i go to, and especially Kathy who has helped me so much, it is so nice to have people such as yourself take time out to help people like me, i'm the chap who is going to take a bit longer than most.

It still dosen't feel right, I know I will get there, because I have come along way already, I think I must learn to cope with my loss first then progress from there, It is hard to talk to family, it's not that i don't want to, I just feel they don't understand, they do change the subject quite often, so I switch off after that. When we go out together, there is always their other half there, It might sound selfish but that gets to me a little.

This is where i am getting the most help, form the people who have experienced the heartache, and suffered the loss, which no one can ever forsee, or even prepare for.

I do write in my diary every day, which i have only just started, it is helping I think, dont have many friends as Dawn and i had each other, we did go out alot but just enjoyed each other's company, Having spent twenty two years in the Royal Navy we where seperated for long periods at a time, so we where trying to catch up i surpose.

I have my liitle diamond, she is Sheba, a Siberian Husky cross, she is so good for me at this moment, makes me laugh and wants lots of cuddles, sometimes i dont think i know how luck i am.

thank you for your concern

Kind regards Paul

Hi Kathy, it does sound that you are having a wonderful time with your family, you are going to miss them very much when they go home, it's not nice when you have had such a great time with each other. Your mother went through what you are going through now, what a strong lady she must be and as you say this is where you have your strength from your mother and father, she must still miss him, letting you know he would be proud of, proves she always thinks of him, wow what and amazing family you all are, Our loved ones memory will never fade, they will always be there.

Iv'e been reading text off Dawns phone this morning, (still keep it charged, Just in case) as Dawn is in hospital ready to go down for her operation, i hade an hour with her before her op, then got a text as i got home "they have come to take me down" i went ot the hospital and she came out of recovery at 2:30pm and she was wheeled passed us but still managed to give me a wonderful smile and a wave. i'm off to the hospital to be there for 2:30 just to sit there in the same place, i did it last year and i think it helped. Just wish things could have turned out a little better.

Sheba had another good training day, she just loves new tricks and just loves training, so its good for me too. Going to take her out now before i go to the hospital.

Kathy you are an amazing person, and about the skydive, dont run yourself down, you could do it, i feel you could do anything, and you know what they say about small poeple (Dawn was only 5ft 2in) they are the all thoughtful, always thinkng of others, so polite and gentle.

Sheba is getting a little restless, she has just run in anout the house at some speed, think she is saying "if not taking me for a run, i will amuse myself" she is making me feel guilty now.

Keep having a wonderful time, as if you need me to tell you that, sorry, but you know what i mean we do have to enjoy every minute,  ( it is still hard at times even though i do understand)

Take great care of yourself Kathy, and thank you for keeping in contact, you are helping me more than you know, thank you.

Knid regards Paul x x

Hi Paul,
Me again... Farewelled the family off tonight.  What a great time we have had.  Mum talking about coming back next year with my little sis.  She is utterly amazing.  We were asked to transfer from a general wheelchair to an airline wheelchair so I offered her my arm... No way she stated, preferring to take the arm of a 20 something male attendants.!!  She said he was better looking!!
Big sis has another blood test at her GP's on Monday morn for liver issues.  She feels fine she says.  She has been very good eating sensibly, a lot of salads, avocado, turmeric, rice milk, fresh fruit etc.  we are very proud of her efforts.  Dog will be disappointed as tomorrow he will have to wait until I am ready to walk him.  It will be in the am but not until I have had my 3 coffees.
My son brought me home from airport tonight, upon entering the house I noticed front room light bulb has gone.  He will replace on next visit as I have a raked ceiling which involves a really long ladder and better to do in daylight.  It's not an issue as I usually use a lamp in that room so main light not required.
Getting so cold here, down to 10 overnight, but warmer days forecast for next week woo hoo.
We have had the grandkids for 2 sleepovers in the past 8 days - making every minute count, and what joy.  Little kids are so honest.  I am booked to go to their place and sleepover mid April and it will be easier at their place.   Will get a friend to pet sit here for that night.
DIL has set up Skype for myself and family, she is so good.
Took the folks up to visit the inlaws yesterday which was pleasant.  I took up 2 stools, tool bag in prep to do their weeding to find they had had a fella out the day before to spray with weedkiller.  I chose not to use weedkiller but was quite prepared to manually remove.  It's all good though, not a drama.  They probably thought I wouldn't have had the time.
I can fully understand you keeping Dawns mobile still going.  Hubbys is still connected with his voicemail message still there.  One day I will cancel it but not yet.
How did you fare sitting at the hospital at 2.30?  You have to do what is right for you Paul.  Whatever gives you comfort.  There is no text book schedule we have to follow.  Whatever you need/want to do just do it.
How is the girl Sheba?  Bet you she will be looking forward to the better weather coming in.
Must say at the airport tonight it was disconcerting seeing ladies my age with their partners, lucky them.  I felt like telling them to love them and appreciate them as much as they can because as we both know that togetherness can be ripped from you with little or no warning.  Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.
Anyway enough of my bellyaching... Have a handyman coming out Monday for some minor maintenance jobs.  Will get my gutters cleaned before winter rains, oh goody more rainwater for my tanks.  I have capacity to store a lot in prep for next summer.  Plan to dig a trench around mandarin tree, but no one has told it it is meant to be a miniature tree, maybe just needs a good prune but as it flowers and fruits most of the year unsure when is best to do.  
Have the wheelchair and showerchair I hired  for mum being picked up tomorrow avo and will spend rest of day in the garden working.
Well Paul it's almost 3 am here so will get the lad outside for last visit and head off to bed.  The folks may text me from Dubai to let me know they are there safely.  Don't forget to change your clocks!
Take care
Kathy xx
 

Hi Kathy,

I am so glad you all had a fantasic time together in what will now seem a short time, your mother is one hell of an amazing lady, good on her to plan a return very soon, and i can see where you get your sence of humour from, quite right she wants help from a young charmer.

Its not so easy to eat sensibly so as you say your sister is doing really well to keep in good health.

Little George had a easter hat parade on thursday, with a prize for best hat, HE WON, he seemed so embarressed, but his mother was more excited when we phoned her later. All he wanted then was to eat the easter egg he had won, but did well, waited untill he had had his lunch.

Wish the weathe here would warm up, its getting beyond a joke now, but it will so we shall have to wait and see. Got a reply Email from Caroline in Adelaide she has had an operation to remove her ovaries due to a cancer scare but has had an all clear in her blood test, but now Charlotte is in hospital with a Kidney infection, they are having a torrid time at the moment, Just feel so useless here, no way i can help, think I may make an effort to get out to see them early next year.  

I did get myself to the hospital and sat outside E14 ward at 2:30pm and visualized Dawn being wheeled passed, she gave me such a wonderful smile and wave, if there was something i could have done, something i should have noticed earlier, its a mess isnt it, really hate this life at the moment. Really sorry for bein so negative at this time, but it just gets to me, now and then. Sorry.

Can't believe the time, got to get to training with Sheba, then back and off to the hospital for my bereavement meeting, sorry just lost the time.

Will finish this chat when i get back, sorry.

Catch up in a while

Kind regards 

Paul x x

Hi Paul,
The folks have arrived back in Scotland, 1.5 hrs drive to be back to my home town.  They will feel the cold after the Aussie sun.
Sorry to hear DIL and grand daughter have not been well.  How old is Charlotte if I may ask?  
Paul, I don't think you could have picked up Dawns illness any earlier, just as I could not  have picked up hubby's, so please don't beat yourself up.  It is normal for us to think " if only"... but excuse my blunt speaking it's not going to be productive.
Well done young George for winning the Easter hat competition and bravo for waiting till after lunch to demolish the egg, such strength of character he shows.
Today I planned a quiet day at home, however had phone calls from mates to check up how I faring after the family's departure and a few drop in visitors while I was out front weeding.  This house is a bit of an open house, if car is visible mates just rock up or call out at gate if I am out the back.  Visits usually give me an excuse to down tools and socialise or ask for a hand depending on what I am doing.
Have watered lawn tonight so hope the weeds will come out easier tomorrow, the ground was a bit hard today due to lack of rainfall.
Well Paul almost midnight so will hit the hay and hopefully get a good sleep. 
Keep smiling,
Kathy x
 

Hi Kathy,

Sorry about my quick sign off last time just lost sence of time, but Sheba was really good at training, and the chat at the hospital was OK, althought today we where all feeling a bit sorry for ourelves, we do try to be positive and cheer up but sometimes it takes a bit of time to get out of the dumps, there are other groups you can go to but they are in the week and my week is quite full ish. i really do understand what you say about being positive ond productive and you are right, i honestly dont want to feel like this, but just cant help it, any way must stop feeling sorry for myself.

Charlotte is 18 on the 4th May, she is a really beautiful and smart, got a good head on her shoulders, she is working as a hair dresser, or should i say training to be an hair dresser, there is Cianan, he is 21 on the 16th May, has his own flat and works as a porter at the local hospital, and there is little lily the Chinese girl, she is 12 on the 8th May. she has just moved to high school, now there is one hell of a clever little girl.

You are obviously a popular lady, as everyone visits, think i will put a sign outside the house "the kettle is on and its free" that might get someone to knock, but then again, !!!!!!!

I know you must think this chap is hard work, but i do understand what and why you say the tings you do and i do try, honest, as i have said it will take longer than most, i do want to be positive, and get on, and as i have said before i do sincerely appreciate you help in our chats.

We had a get together at Clives (brother) new house, sisters and i, we all had a nice chat, the eldest Carol, is selling up and buying flats in Nottingham and Brisbane, so she can visit her daughter as and when she pleases with a little dwelling to get back to, Clive is taking redundancy, and is looking for work im sure he will get work soon.

Shaba has had her walk so its bath and then TV with couple of beers.

Sorry if you find me hard work but it is encouraging to be able to chat to a lady with a big heart and such positiveness as yourself. Think it might be the Negativety of us Brits, and the positveness of the Aussies, out in Pearth the sister/brother inlaw and the Nieces family are really positive come to think of it.

Need a kick up the a--e, or just a good slapping.

Take care and thank you

Kind regards Paul x

Hi Paul,
It's ok to be down in the dumps.  If you pretend everything is ok and it's not you can meltdown later.  Whatever you need to do, feel, discuss it, all ok.  It might be a long journey but that too is ok and you are not alone
I had an old girlfriend ring me while in the car with DIL driving and she asked what was new.  As I hadn't spoken to her for a few years I said a lot is new but didn't want to discuss it at the moment.  So instead of picking up my vibe, tone etc she asked how hubby is.  Well... I told her he had passed away and reiterated I did not want to discuss what's happening at that particular moment.  Some folk can be thick sometimes.  I ended up a bit upset and angry although I know it's not her fault.
If I want to talk I will and it will be when I chose to.  I do talk about him probably most days and that is what helps me.  I remember things and smile.
Paul you are not hard work.  I have a friend who has a normal life and family and she IS hard work, but God love her she would do anything to help anyone just has no tact, no diplomacy, no on/off button and is very noisy.  I am a bit naughty sometimes and give her completely wrong answers with a straight face and she believes me, my accent also contributes to her mishearing me (that's my excuse and I am sticking to it).  The accent is a great thing, I can insult people and they think I am joking.
Dice in the bad books.  I went out the front to do some weeding this avo and he was rather p d off with me (he should know he is never allowed out the front) so he destroyed a sofa cushion, I came in to find filling everywhere.  It's not the first cushion that he has destroyed but at the age of 11 you would think he would stop being naughty.  Maybe he was annoyed I went out to lunch today and put him outside. Mmmm he needs to realise I am the boss now.  Do you have any suggestions?  
Besides putting cushions in spare room when not in use I really can't think of any other way to avoid the destruction unless I put him out the back, but he looks so pitiful I haven't the heart to put him outside if he doesn't want to go.  Yup he's got me exactly where he wants me smart boy.  No, seriously any suggestions would be appreciated.
Great to see you had a catch up with your siblings.  Did I read correctly that Carol is getting a flat in Brisbane over here?  So she has a daughter here too?    If so good on her.
Oh well better sign off for now mate
Take care
Kathy x


 

Hi Kathy,

Thank you for being so understanding, you are such a kind hearted lady, and always with thoughtful suggestion, advice and comforting words, I've said it before and I will say it again, you are a natural in helping people who are saddened by grief, even though you have had the misfortune to have lost a loved one, you heart is set on helping others, you are truley amazing. I feel sorry your friend didn't catch on you didn't want to talk at that moment, it must have hurt, But even then then deep down inside and even though you where hurting you forgave her, you are a special one.

You do raise my hopes that in one day I will be strong as you, and maybe I may find the right words to help others, but once again thank you for your kindness and guidance.

Yes you did read it right Carol's daughter Anne-Marie married an Aussie who lived in Perth but his work is in Brisbane, they have been married a couple of years and have a daughter Olivia, I've had the pleasure of seeing her and she is a little cracker, because Carol has a son in the UK she has decided to buy a flat in each place so she can be with each one as and when she pleases, her and Len(hubby) have a few bob so, it won't leave them short.

About Dice, well Sheba did rip up her bed, and I was told she was bored, so suggested more toys, Shaba has a dozen or so to play with, then they suggested putting her in a cage, well that is out the question, so when I spoke to the trainer when we first met, she suggested toys where you can pack them with treats so they have to work hard to get the treat and usually after they have got all the treats out of the toy then they are content and have a little sleep, Sheba has a couple, a treat ball she roll's round as the treats fall out and a bone looking toy full of treats, think she looks forward to me going out sometimes, hope that's helps in some way, she even said to hide treats around the house, but don't fancy that just i case Sheba can't find it and it leaves a smell after a couple of days.

 Have been out with Mark, Nicola, Goerge and Henry this morning, buying paint, and a couple of toys for the boys, turtle ninja mad they are, then called into a pud for lunch, had roast lamb, Henry likes his food, even had my mash potatoe, but I had extra veg. We where chatting about going to a place close to Scarborough in a static caravan for a few days 20-24 April, so looking forward to having time with them

Once again Kathy thank you for your strength, understanding and compassion, 

 Thank you for taking time out to chat, hope I can help you in return one day, Take great care of yourself, thank you once again

Kind regards Paul x

Hi Paul,
Many thanks for the dog tips.  Will let you know how I fare with you know who.
A busy day today with the handyman doing a great job of my list of maintenance plus 2 more jobs that had cropped up since he quoted 4 weeks ago. We have used him previously for jobs hubby was not confident of doing so its like having an old mate around.  As I was effectively tied to the house today I spent a lot of time pottering in the garden and will sleep well tonight.
Tomorrow will do a small shop and will then avoid the shops till after Easter.  People go bonkers as though there is going to be a food shortage.  In the morning I am meeting my best friend for brekkie at 10 a.m.  She heads off on a 10 day cruise to Singapore on Wednesday.  
The ninja turtles were around years ago when my son was little and would you believe I still had some of them stored away so grandson has them now.
Are you intending doing some painting or is Mark?
I think it's great you are planning a few days away in April.  A change of scenery can blow away the cobwebs.  I will head to the kids place to babysit for 2 nights mid April to allow the newly weds a few days peace and quiet.  I will have such fun.  I might have to think of what to get them to help me bake and do my planning now.
Well Paul, will start locking up and make tracks for the land on nod.
Take care and try and behave  yourself , ha ha
Kathy xx
 

Hi Kathy,

Hope the dog tips helped, but i must apologize for the bit about the dog being bored, its just what they told me, i wasnt referring to Dice being bored, sorry.

Sheba has had me on the run around, as we walk round the fields, she goes off digging up the mole holes, which isnt a massive problem, but she will NOT come back when called, and as i go to her she runs off, it might not sound much, but it really hurt's thinking she didnt want to come back to me, silly i know but those lttle things do get to me a bit, so now we have gone back to basic's, and this morning sheba was on a 10 metre long lead and she did (with treats) come back about 50% of the time so we shall stick with that for a while, she is wonderful at home but thats with no distractions.

Bet you are haveing a wonderful time with your grandchildren, do you spoil them, (i do mine) naughty i know but cant help it. it is so thoughtful of you and your son and DIL will be so appreciative, its good fun isnt it but just George wears me out, so how are you getting on with two, dont think i could manage George and Henry. As the Kiddies are off school this week i have George from 0700 hours so we shall have breakfasr and drive to the peak district, and have an whole day there, George loves picnics so we shall be fine.

Mark is doing the painting, he is touching up the tree house, well its not a tree house really its and house on stilts, with a slide swing ladder, there is fencing around it so the kids are safe. It was good of the Handy man to do those chores for you, he must do a cracking job for you to get him back, it will be good when the weather warms up here so i can have a go at a few tasks that need doing here, today we have brilliant sunshine for ten minutes, then blustery rain and the wind really pick up noew and again. so not much chance for today, Shaba and i got wet on her walk, but its Treetops driving day, so there wouldnt be much chance anyway.

I sent Charlie, Lily, Caroline, an Ecard today, and they have relyed already, Caroline is all clear with her bloods and Charlie is home recovering, she said is scared her, but she is such a brave girl just like her mum and Nana, so its nice to know the worst is over, i sent Lily one as it is easter, think she will like it, its the making of an easter egg.

I am off to drive the bus now, taking the hospice guests home, they are always cheerful, and alwaysys enjoy their time there, think i should take a leaf out of their book.

Take great care Kathy.

Kind regards  Paul x x 

Hi Paul, no dramas,
Dice just gone out to bark, must be a reason. All good is back in now on bed with cat.
Still pretty warm here, phew.
I don't think your Sheba means to be naughty but she is only young, a puppy.  I have every confidence you and she will work together for the best result.
 Will only have the 2 grandkids at their place on my own, too hard down here with pets to manage too.  Up there I can manage ok as their pets not allowed inside.
So good your Aussie family is doing ok.  Charlie is young to have a kidney issue, please nag her to drink more water.
  Off to bed soon, have an extension running through the room so will need to negotiate and move before I trip over and break something.
Just an aside comment as I feel I can share with you.  Ring finger getting slimmer and rings in danger of slipping off. Will need to do some exercises to plump up fingers eek
Anyway, need to head to bed soon ,
Take care Paul
Kathy
 

Hi Paul, no dramas,
Dice just gone out to bark, must be a reason. All good is back in now on bed with cat.
Still pretty warm here, phew.
I don't think your Sheba means to be naughty but she is only young, a puppy.  I have every confidence you and she will work together for the best result.
 Will only have the 2 grandkids at their place on my own, too hard down here with pets to manage too.  Up there I can manage ok as their pets not allowed inside.
So good your Aussie family is doing ok.  Charlie is young to have a kidney issue, please nag her to drink more water.
  Off to bed soon, have an extension running through the room so will need to negotiate and move before I trip over and break something.
Just an aside comment as I feel I can share with you.  Ring finger getting slimmer and rings in danger of slipping off. Will need to do some exercises to plump up fingers eek
Anyway, need to head to bed soon ,
Take care Paul
Kathy
 

Hi Kathy,

Yes Sheba and i are good, she has a good run and smells out something interesting, so she explores, dont mind but Joh, our dog trainer did say that the recall is the most importand command there is and for many good reasons so it is something i need to get right, its me being a wus, but we have been down the park, where there are smell and othe dogs and she has been really good, (on the 10 metre lead) she has her times but dont we all, she will be great im sure its me that has to get it right, and well done dice its good she informs you of of something happening close by, Sheba is good at that, she always has a bark if a car pulls up outside or next door comes home.

I did have a simular problem with my ring finger, i actually lost a stone and half, then having a shower my Dads ring (right hand) and then Dawns ring (well its mine, Dawns is round my neck) but you know what i mean, actaully fell off, so that was my warning to stop being a plonker, i have put half a stone back on and thats done the trick.

 I will give Caroline a big hint on the drinking water, but Charlie is a gym bunny so i only presume she drinks lots, but it is still worth a hint, thank you for than i wouldnt have thought of saying anything, but thank you again for your concern.

Got George all day tomorrow so planning to go up to the Peak district, with Sheba as well, should be a good day, going to try baking scones soon to take with us, im not doing to bad to say i have never baked before, Dawn was the baker i was the eater. Taking a few nibbles as well, and treats for Sheba, silly not to get some traing in while we are there.

Hope you are having a great time with your two little ones, Im always exhausted after having Gearge, but you seem to thinking of them 100% of the time dont you, but hes OK soon tell me if Im doing something i shouldnt, makes me laugh, and I always have a few tales to tell his dad, when he comes to pick him up, i do worry him sometimes (George) as Mark asks if he has been a good boy, I reply NO, the look on his face, then i say he has not been good, he has been Brilliant boy, and then the smiles come back to his face, but he has me sorted now so he has a good idea what im going to say,

OK its scones time, so take great care of yourself, and thank you for these chats,

Kind regards Paul x x oopps Sheba has just barked, think shes saying by for now. x  

Hi Paul, 
Just a quickie as battery running low and its 1.20 am.  Great to hear from you and Sheba as always.  Thanks for mentioning scones now I feel hungry....don't dare tell me you have strawberry jam and cream too.  Grrr
Went out for lunch tdy with my best friends sis in law as best friend sailing from Western Australia on a cruise boat.  Good on her.  Hubbys unexpected illness and passing has prompted a lot off mates to do things now not wait for retirement.
Rest of day has been spent pottering around the garden.  There is so much to do but I will get there.  I think we have seen the last of the hot weather boo hoo. Temps forecast to drop to 23 as the high.  Still pleasant but no longer shorts and singlet weather for me.  Will get the flannelette shirts out ready for winter.
Pets on bed waiting for me.  My CD player not working now, Son has hubbys old one in his shed that he's not using so will ask for that one back.  Might take some recycling down over the Easter break.  We get 10c back on bottles and cans here and no recycling done since last Oct so it's piling up.  Funds received will go into grandkids bank accts.
Ok Paul, will email you in the morning, know if I don't head off to bed soon will just stay up and keep going and that wouldn't be healthy.
All the best
Kathy xx
 

Hi Kathy,

You are a bit of a night owl, but although I'm usually in bed by ten, I'm usually awake between midnight and one in the morning, awake for a few hours then back to sleep, I have tried everything, but just can't and don't get a full nights sleep, its been like that since Dawns passing, but some do say i must be getting enough sleep, but it would br nice to get a full nights sleep.

Sorry about the scones they where pretty good especially with the Jam and cream, ooopps sorry.

George Sheba and I have had a full day near Ashbourne on the Tissington trail, It was harder than I thought, could'nt give either one my full attention, so poor Sheba did'nt fare to well, going to make it up to her very soon with a bit of training and lots of treats. But saying that it was a really good day out, I feel shattered, may be I may sleep tonight, would'nt bet on it though. Can't complain about the weather, its been a good day here, even had chance to hang out some washing (first time this year), but its raining all day tomorrow, Boo Hoo.

You have mentioned to me on a few occasions about making the most of each day, I do understand and I feel a little like your friends about life, thats why I want to buy a caravan to get out and about see lots of places, it may help me to get a prospective on life. But Kathy I do feel so guilty and disrespectfull towards Dawn, the one thing I intend to do though, is to take Dawns Ashes with me, hoping that will ease the guilt, it is so hard isnt it, just can't seem to get it straight in my head, but I won't know till i try then we shall have to see how it goes.

Deep down inside you are suffering like me arn't you, but how do you adapt yourself, you have explained to me about looking forward, having our loved ones in our thoughts and heart, being posative as our loved ones would want us to, but why cant I be positive. Sorry Kathy, I feel I'm off on one of my self pitty moans again, Whats wrong with me!!!!!. Better stop there.

I never want to hurt your feelings, I have too much respect of you for that but i do go on sometimes and my English/Grammar isn't that good, so please let me know if i go over the top, really sorry. Got to get my head straight. Step by step.

Take great care Kathy, sorry if i cause upset, truely.

Paul x x 

Hi Paul,
All good here, autumn happening brr.  Started off the day with t shirt and jumper, moved to t shirt and eventually to tank top then same in reverse, even had a scarf around neck this am and it was 16 degrees.  Guess I have become a greenhouse girl now.  I require the heat, maybe correct terminology is I enjoy the warmer weather.
Blooming dog ate his tea but left the 2 fish oil capsules, don't worry, guess what he's having with brekkie.?? yup you guessed it.
Sorry I am not able to give you any suggestions for a better nights sleep, you will have tried all the usual ones, Horlicks, cocoa, maybe video tape /audio tape politicians talking that would do it for me.  Lavender oil sprinkled on pillow may help???
I don't have any problem getting to sleep but do wake up early, probably only need 5 hrs hence my late nights.
You are getting as naughty as Brian, woodworm, at teasing me with food.  Brian posts under Inspiration tab and has such wonderful thoughts to share when he's not teasing me about cheesy delights ... Grrr.
I do understand your feelings re the future Paul.  I think it's a great idea to travel and take Dawns ashes with you.  I took hubby away at Christmas to the kids place and he also came to the wedding, so I know where you are coming from.
Today was a particularly bleak day for me, started off walking dog, this time last year hubby would have been doing it as I would have been  getting all curtains down to wash and we would have washed all windows and re hung curtains on clean windows throughout the house.  I only walked dog when hubby was working away as Dice was his dog.  Now he is my boy and my protector.
Needless to say curtains and windows remain unwashed.
They can wait.
Please don't apologise for stating how you feel Paul, better to let it out than have it festering inside.  Holding it inside I don't think is healthy,  but hey I still believe in the tooth fairy.
Every morning when I sit outside with my coffee I have to remind myself he's not just working away he will never be coming home.  It's not even six months but it's such a hard realisation.  But I have to look forward, I have to think positive and enjoy what I have or he would kick my *** for not living each day and enjoying the grandkids and the lorikeets, the ducks next door on the wetlands and he had a blooming big foot,!!!
He asked me to keep his name and not revert to my maiden name (why would I want to?)
He gave me his blessing to find someone new ( why would I want to?)
He gave me permission to sell up and move nearer to the kids (once again I couldn't do it)
I am so fortunate to have known him, as you were with your Dawn.  We are so much better people for having known and loved them.  They have moulded us from what we we were as teenagers/
early  20's? into whom we are today.
It's so cold here - yes thought that would promote a laugh 18 in kitchen, where's that scarf??  Might hibernate in the bedroom for winter,   Not all winter just many hours during the day.  Why heat the whole house if I can stay in one room?  That's the scot in me talking.
Have one jumper on,may need another one on.  This is not funny, see what a cranky person I will be come winter.
Hey Paul what's the feeling over there re Richard 3rd?  Saw some info on the news.
Ok Paul, think I have bent your ear enough tonight.
Thanks for listening,
Take care,big hugs to Sheba
Kathy xx




 

Hi Kathy, 

Thank you for such an understanding reply, sorry for draining my sorrow over you, but you did mention the "moulding us together from teenages" made me think alot, Dawn and i where married May 1970, I was only just 19 and Dawn only turned 18, alot of poeple said it would never last, we both got feb up with hearing it, and that was one of the reasons we moved from Derby to Plymouth as i joined the Royal Navy to get away from all the negativity, i was away alot as you can imagine, Dawn looked after our three boys dicipline, schooling, and so on, she took care of the finances, keeping the house clean and painting throughout as and when required, all i did when i get home was to carry out maintenance on the car and take the boys out for a game of football, cricket, ect. It pains me to admit this but i got alot of things wrong, parenting and even the husband bit, but Dawn would sit with me and talk to me about my actions, ie, if i was a bit to much on the discipline side toward the kids, and having a bit too much to drink onboard, as i met up with friends ect, anyway the point is, Dawn always said i was trying too hard or being over protective, i could see where she was coming from, and 9 times out of 10 she was right, even the exams i took as i progressed through the ranks, it was Dawn who sat me down and helped me revise so there was no chance of me failing, and as proud as i was of winning many awards for top marks, it was Dawn that should have got the award not me. Dawn guided me through lifes ups and downs, i moulded myself on her, and i think thats why im in such a mess.

But again you where so right in what you said about the future, Dawn would be giving me such an hard time "look at what has happened" "now live a life before you get caught out too", but in a nice way if you know what i mean. 

Sorry if my 'feeling sorry for myself' brought on the bleak day you had, your hubby was one hell of a man. Dawn loved a cup of tea in a morning" it was so nice to sit and sip our tea, I am always thinking  "Dawn and i walked here" "Dawn and i loved it there" sometimes its nice, other times it hurts, But is that a good thing, it means their memory is still very very stong.

I have wrote many times in cards and rememberance books that it was a privilege to have been Dawns husband and we had so many happy years together, i am so proud to have been part of her life.

Well once again im going on and on. sorry.

Sheba is coming on at training in the park on her long lead, but yesterday Nicola DIL popped in with the kids to feed sheba and let her out for a wee, (as i had a long day at wrk) and sheba lunged at Henry, she didnt touch him thankfully, but when Nicola shouted NO at her she wet herself, (really feel sorry for her but hat is not on) really worried me, Nicola thought she may have been jealous, so we shall have to work on that socializing bit. 

Richard the 3rd, well, according to all acounts he was abit of a sod, a real nasty peice of work, but died in battle, (sorry forgot what battle) and laid their with his men, untill know, There was a bit of a battle with the church and Relatives on where he was to be buried, York or Leicester but the court ruling was he would be buried in Leicester cathedral, there was a massive turn out and he was given an amazing send off, 

 Thank you for your kindness Kathy you are a real positive help to me,  

 Kind regards Paul x

Good morning Paul from a chilly Adelaide, but it could always be worse.
How are you going?
We had a little rain overnight and storms forecast for later on.  I will need to grab the opportunity to get out and do some weeding in between showers and get the dog walk done this am also.  The sun is shining though and the birds chittering away.  The daily weeding is a bit of a goal for me to do a minimum of 1 hour.  Crazy though it sounds it makes me feel productive.
Sorry to hear Sheba lunged at Henry but good no contact was made.  She is young and can be taught/trained accordingly.  Much though I love Dice I wouldn't leave the kidlets alone with him.
I am sitting at the kitchen table with radio on and "dancing" while sitting in my chair when a particular boppy song comes on.
The locality has been very quiet with a lot of folk away for the Easter break.  Yesterday I returned my overdue library books and noticed a car "following" me.  As the car park was deserted I chose not to pull in at the drop off spot as could have been blocked in, so stopped in an area to watch the other car do a books drop off.  All was well, a kid jumped out  and placed the books in a return hatch while an adult remained in the car.  It might sound a bit paranoid but I am so much more conscious of my safety when out alone nowadays without hubby my protector.  Might take the dog in future but it's only due to the holidays that the area is deserted.
I only managed to read 2 books in 2 months, quite a change from when I would go through 10 in a week.  There's too many jobs to do around the place, but I am sure I will get back into the reading mode eventually.  I will go to the library in the following week to get the ones I didn't get to read back out if they are available.
I have mentioned to Jules on here I must get a map of England so I can see where everyone it talking about and stick it on the wall.  That can go on my to-do list too.
I have chance to visit the kids on Friday evening with a mate doing the driving.  It's one of those Get togethers with a demonstrator hoping you purchase the goods.  Not sure if I will go as means leaving dog out the back for a few hours.  Couldn't leave him in as with someone else driving don't know what time I would be back.  It would be nice to see the family but I've got to think of the lad.  It's 1.5 hrs each way and if we stayed 3 hrs would mean I would be away 5 hrs.
Well Paul must sign off and get this lad out for wander
Take care
Kathy x
 

Hi Kathy,

Sorry it seems to be getting a lttle chilly in Adelaide, but believe it or not its been a cracking day here, Temperatures went up to 17 deg C today, so Sheba and I made the most of it, the roads would have been a bit busy as its bank holiday Monday, so we walked along the canal towpath, for about 6 or 7 miles, we left at 9.30am and got back at 11.30, poor shaba was shattered and so was I, but the sun shone and it brought out all the families on their bikes and lots of walkers most with dogs, i've never said good morning to so many poeple before it was really nice. (missed Dawn though) as alot where couples. So we got home had a cuppa then I cleaned the guttering, facia's,  window and doors, another cuppa the it was the cars turn to be washed, drank enough tea so I had a coffee this time, then out with Sheba again only for 3/4 hour this time.

Yesterday, popped in to see Dawns sister as it was her Huddies birthday today, took a card for him. Aslo took Sheba with me as she had not seen her and we chattered about Little Henry and Sheba's lunge, she was saying because she is a rescue dog, you never know what they have been through, so not to chastise her, while i was there her hubbies brother popped in also delivering a card, he went up to offer his hand for Sheba to smell and the poor little girl wet herself, So Dawns sister Val said there was the proof of her being mistreated. Its not nice to see, so she must still be very scared, so will have a chat with our dog trainer and see what advise she has to offer.

I did have a chat with Mark about Sheba's lunge, just to say sorry really when he said that apparently Henry had slipped off the chair and startled Sheba, so know it dos'nt sound so bad, but as you pointed out it will have to be a rule that shaba is never left alone with the little ones, the thing is i have left them alone when i nip to the loo, or get them a drink or biscuit, ect, so will havr to be more careful.

Must have been a scary moment when you noticed the car following you, but you did the right thing, you wer'nt being parenoid you where being very sensible, well done you. 

Well its time to get cleaned up and watch a bit of TV, early night as i have Treetops bus driving tomorrow, also have to arrange a visit for ssafa, another poor chap wants a home of his own instead of living with his son, probably just wants his independence.

Take care of yourself Kathy, 

Kind regards Paul x  

Hi Paul,
Wow what a busy morning you had, but sounds great.  Isn't it wonderful how the better weather brings people outside and seems to make them more friendly.
No gardening done today due to showers but at least two of my rain water tanks are full again .  Noticed one of my spring bulbs is up, mmm 5 months till spring but guess no one has told it.  The seasons do seem all out of whack these days.
Poor Sheba, if she has been treated poorly in the past no wonder she can be nervy.  She is lucky to have a good home now.  When the littlies are with me I take dog to loo with me or put him outside for 5 mins to avoid leaving alone with them.  
Had the pest control man out today for annual inspection and got the all clear -no termite activity which was good news.  White ants can do a lot of damage out here to timber.
I had a mate around today and Dice was so excited to see her, he was doing laps of the house.  She has been away on holidays for a fortnight and swears never again to take grandkids with her (14 and 9), will get that from her in writing......  I made home made pizzas for lunch and ended up taking some to my neighbour afterwards to take in for her lunch tomorrow.
It's after 4 am now so I really should head off to bed, will be up again in less than 4 hours, maybe I can have a nanno nap in the afternoon.   
Will sign off for now,
Kathy x

Hi Kathy,

The sun always puts a smile on people's faces and puts everyone in a good mood, well almost every one (you know what these Brits are like) mind you if it stays sunny for a whole week there will be someone moaning it's too hot.

Driving the bus yesterday for Treetops, but turned into a glum day as two of our pick ups cancelled, it's always a worry when they cancel, due to the confidentiallity, we are not told why they cancelled, so we do worry about them, hopefully we shall be picking them up next week.

Today has been another fine day reaching 18 deg have been to the office and finished all the banking conformation and all the figures match up (saves me a good half an hour) then popped over to Dawns sisters niece to drop her birthday card off, then home and out with Sheba, she doesn't like the hot weather, poor girl is panting like hell, must take her water bottle in future. Back at home Sheba finds a nice cool spot while I get about a third of the garden weeded and tidied up, then more coffee. Popped in to see Ron and Sandra, good friends of Dawn and I, we used to go out for a meal together quite often, now it's just birthdays. Ron is nearly 80, they both creek when getting out of their chairs, but a down to earth couple, Sandra says what she means and means what she says, doesn't hole back when she want to say something, but we know where we stand with her, she's OK.

So glad you got the all clear with those naughty pests, it's coming to that time now where our pest will come out in abundance, those flying ants seem to get worse as each year passes.

Home made pizzas now that sounds like a challenge for me, must get it up on the Internet , got any tips for me, like where do I start.

Was out with brothers and sisters last night, as Chris (brother from London) popped up for a couple of days, we had a drink in one of my dad's favourite pups, well in a couple actually, it was a nice night chatting about mum and dad most of the night, Carol and Chris have amazing memories, I can't remember half of what they where saying, told them I must start taping all those memories and get them down on paper(tablet).

Not been back to long being out with Sheba so now she is relaxing I think it's time for me to get a good old soak.

Look after yourself Kathy and thanks for our chats

Kind regards Paul x x

Hi Paul,
So good to hear you are getting out and about.
Poor Sheba feeling the heat already. 
Good to see you have mates who are down to earth, the only way to be.  Being direct has its positives for sure and great to hear you had some family chats.
Went out to source some disability aids for the outlaws as they will need to give back the shower chair, bed pole and grabber mother in law has had since coming out of hospital.  So got prices etc for them.  Girl in the shop will give them 10% off as I am a member ( we bought a few products as couldn't wait for them to be supplied under govt services).  I think it is worth them checking out if M I L is entitled to anything as is an ex service woman.  Will make an apple crumble and take it into girl in the shop to take home to family.  She always offers me a cuppa when I go in.   It's nice to be known in a small community.  Really good vibe in this area.
Home made pizzas basically a pita bread or Lebanese bread base
Brush with olive oil using a pastry brush to edges
Spread tomato paste to edges (avoids burnt edges)
Sprinkle oregano, crushed between fingertips
Cover with choice of toppings I use pepperoni, red and green capsicum, onions, mushrooms - basically whatever you fancy, cover with pizza cheese, pepper and bobs your uncle.
Stick in oven 180 gas for 20 mins and enjoy.
If you can be bothered you can make scone dough as base but add cold potatoes mashed into it .  Not cold mashed potatoes though.
I have my tea on at the moment... Not too good eating so late but better than not eating.  I like to bend the rules to suit. I am in charge of my own destiny, so I like to think.
Will sign off now and have tea.
Look after yourself and Sheba,
Kathy x