Hello Hope,

Sorry you are hurting so much just now, but please don't feel like you have done everything wrong.  You have had to make some very difficult decisions in the absence of the very people you have probably always turned to, to help you make them.  You have offered so much support on this site - a very positive way of using your pain and your experiences with your parents illness.  You will have helped a lot of people.  It is about a year and a half since I lost my Father and I can relate to what you are saying about reliving some of the bad memories - I try to be positive, but sometimes slip back into this too - it is sometimes a bit of a battle not to.  I can also really relate to what you say about taking on doing up your parents house.  We had builders in insulating our walls at the end of last year - the stress of it really got on top of me and made me realise that I am still quite fragile just now and have to be careful not to take on too much.  I also felt very guilty as it is Dads money that let me do something so major with the house, one of the things he said when he was ill was he wanted to see some progress with the house, but he is not here to see it - so what gives me the right to use his money this way.  I know my Dad would never have wanted me to feel this way, but it is just a difficult thing to deal with.  Anyway, this is my way of trying to say that these difficult feelings are perfectly normal (either that or both of us are far from normal - this is a distinct possibility in my case !)  Perhaps you should look at how you are feeling from your parents perspective (far easier said than done I know).  They would never have judged what you are doing with their house or anything else the harsh way that you are.  They would only ever have wanted you to be happy - be kind to yourself and you will get back there - it just takes time, and some weeks are better than others, Kathryn x 

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks so much for your support; it really does help make me see things a little differently.  I understand exactly how you feel about using your Dad's money, even though I am sure he would want you to.  It is how I feel too, my parents house needs so much updating and I just wished they had used their money to update it while they were alive and enjoy it.  Truth is they were happy the way things were, but it does feel so sad to spend their money.  You are right though, my parents would never have judged me in any way, their unconditional love is the thing I miss more than anything in the world.  I will try to be positive too, and I guess I just have to accept that there will be some days when that won't be possible.  Grief really is a bumpy ride, but hopefully one which we will all come out stronger from.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Hope,

I was so pleased to read you were feeling a bit better last night. The amount of people who have responded to your post just shows the high esteem so many people on this forum hold you in. For despite the fact you've been feeling so low, you still find time to offer help and support to others on here.

Take care and I hope things get easier for you. Best wishes, Brian

Hi Brian & Jules,

Hope you don't mind a joint reply.  Thank you both so much for your continued support and kind words, it really makes such a difference

I wanted to tell you both about something strange that has happened to me today; I've been at my parents' house stripping wallpaper (a big job necessary following major electrical work), as you know I've been in a bit of a state thinking what to do/have I done wrong etc - Anyway I was just contemplating the idea of getting decorators in to line the walls etc (probably at a big cost), when suddenly in my head I heard my Dad (who was a great DIY man in his time) saying, "Don't waste your time and your money, just patch up the walls, paint them and just sell the house then secure yours and the boys futures."  I can't tell you how weird it was, I have never felt any presence before, maybe it was just me realising myself what to do, but I do feel a big relief.  I really hope you are both having a nice day and will speak to you again soon.  Hope xx

Hope

Whatever the reasoning behind the voice in your ear (and love to think it was a guiding light or two) the fact that you feel such reassurance to move forward within the house and how to achieve it  now is an enormous step for you and you know what, reading it made me both smile and well up in equal measure.  Answers comes in ways we can never fathom or expect but just as I am sure you would always take your Dad's advice(well maybe nearly always) it sure goes to prove that you are still listening and loving.  Strange as though it seems I have 'heard' more of my Dad's words since we hadto move him from Mum's 'garden planter'  to our house when she went into care and I find it comforting.  Thanks for sharing. Jules xx

Hi hope

I do hope you do t mind me jumping into your post to Brian and Jules, did t I a,ways say to you that mum and dad were always with you watching you and loving you, and I know they would never leave you to worry and be so upset.

So my love dad has sorted the problem out for you I hope this has taken a lot off your mind, have a lovely  day

Beryl xxxx

Hi hope

I do hope you do t mind me jumping into your post to Brian and Jules, did t I a,ways say to you that mum and dad were always with you watching you and loving you, and I know they would never leave you to worry and be so upset.

So my love dad has sorted the problem out for you I hope this has taken a lot off your mind, have a lovely  day

Beryl xxxx