My Very Sad Loss

Hi my lovely Forum friends

Today I have cried and cried and I am still crying, this is the night when people have a lovely time just before Christmas, I know I am selfish and I know I am wrong to want my lovely David back after he suffered so much.  This would have been an evening when we would have gone out for a romantic meal and a bottle of wine and you know what I still miss him so very much.  I can't get him out of my head or my heart he was my soul mate and I loved him so very much.  I have managed to do the Christmas decs and wrap the Christmas gifts but for what I am sat here alone and going through hell as I am  sure many, many people are.  What is this all about why do we have to suffer this terrible pain called grief,  I think I have just taken twenty steps backwards.

Please forgive me for feeling like this I just feel so sad.

Beryl x

  • Hello my dear friend Beryl

    I got soaked this morning walking to work, I must be mad doing these cleaning jobs! It was ok last summer, I was walking to work at 6am with no coat on! Wouldn't fancy that now.

    It is really very hard trying to move on as you have found Beryl. After Doug died I didn't think the grief and sorrow could feel any worse, but after 2 - 3 months I felt as if I was going backwards, not moving forwards, although it was too soon to be moving forward anyway. So I decided to become a volunteer for one morning a week at the local hospice, just to make myself do something. I can't say I enjoyed it, in fact I dreaded it, but felt as if I had to really push myself otherwise I could see me going further and further back. I did the volunteering for about 8 months which helped me feel able to look for the cleaning jobs I do today. It was hard going but I think, fo me, it did help me to take those tiny steps forwards. As I mentioned I don't think I will go any further forward now from where I am today. I think about Doug constantly, he is never out of my mind or my dreams, and so many little things happen during the day which trigger off one memory or another. When I knew Doug had terminal cancer I would never have dreamt that after 3 years I would still feel so raw and grief stricken - no the wonder it's said that you don't get over the death of a loved one, you just have to learn to live with it.

    I hope your decorating is soon finished so that you can start using your room again, sometimes a spruce up can make a bit of difference and you'll feel happier that it is no longer the cancer room. I really wish that the nicer weather was here as, like you Beryl, I love my garden. I had just started to grow vegetables for Doug and I in a couple of plots when he was taken poorly, so I continue each year to keep growing things - he would have been so proud. I also like lots of flowers and hanging baskets too, but I have to get the ladders out to put up the hanging baskets now that Doug isn't here to help me.

    Your lovely David will be waiting to meet you Beryl, when you leave this evil cruel world.

    Take care.

    Love and hugs

    Joan

    xxxx

  • Hello my lovely friend Joan

    How I love to hear from you, I am so sorry you got a soaking going to work this weather is just horrible.  How brave of you to become a volunteer at your local hospice.  I was thinking of volunteering for our local hospice but as my lovely David died there I am a little apprehensive at present. Like you I think about David constantly and you are quite right I will never get over David's death I will have to learn to live with it I wonder if Doug and David can see our sadness.  Like you every day a memory will trigger off one thing and another.

    I am going with my decorator on Sunday to buy the paint etc., for him to start on Monday I have also bought some lovely  throws to go over the chairs so I won't be looking at David's chair I feel comfort in the fact that David went unconscious  in that room so that would have been his last memory and how he loved to sit in there looking over the garden and all the green fields at the back

    Like you I love my garden and like you I love lots of hanging baskets but also like you I have to get the ladder out as I am only 5'2"  it is a struggle.  Please keep in touch my lovely, and I do hope Doug and David will be waiting for us both

    My love and hugs to you

    Beryl xxxxxxx

  • Hello Joan,and hello to everyone else taking part on this forum.

    I am a newbie to Cancer Chat, having been diagnosed only yesterday with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. I am scheduled to start a course of Hormone Therapy treatment.

    I lost my hubby to a Pulmonary Embolism at the beginning of December 2013. We have 5 Children.

    My hubby Ken & I did everything together. We Home-tutored our children even though neither of us have any formal teacher training qualifications. My aim is to continue with the Home-tutoring in spite of my loss & recent diagnosis.

    Life goes on regardless. I have because of the recent events happening so quickly & suddenly, not had the opportunity to grieve properly. I have 5 children to consider, and it would do no service to me or them if I break down now.

    I know that my hubby's death was the death of a part of me. I know that it will signal me experiencing those things I fear the most. For example the permanent separation of myself from those that I love.

    I was very bitter and angry with the world when Ken died. To be quite honest, I still am a little. But I know in time that this feeling will eventually subside.

    I think that we have all been conditioned to think that death is something wicked and final. I have come to a realisation that death is not our foe, but our friend. Death is not final, but a process of our spirits graduating on to the next lesson, level or phase. We would never want our loved one's to be in pain, or to experience such intense pain again, neither would we want them to resit an exam, if they had passed it with flying colours and moved on. Our loved ones have moved on and we have to eventually let them go, for fear of hindering their divine progression.

    I miss Ken. There is no doubt about that, but I do not wish him back into this physical world, or for him to go through all the trials and tribulations of the physical for a second time. I have his children here with me. They are the true image and reflection of him. So in a sense he is still in the physical with be, but in a completely different way.

    I have my own personal trials and tribulations to face, regardless of the love around me from family and friends. My trials are my own, my own journey, and it is a journey that I will ultimately  do alone.

    You will get through what ever you are going through. Though it may feel at present to be an impossibility.  You will have up and down days because that is the extremes of your existence trying to balance itself. It will eventually settle. Any variations of that will only be if it is your will to be so.

    So for as long as I have control of my destiny, it is my will to see this through and to be around for as long as I am able and experience those things dear to me, before I can finally say I am ready to exit.

    It is my desire that you experience that peace of mind.

    My love thoughts & best wishes to you and to everyone else here,

    Peace

    Marie

  • Hello again to my dear friend Beryl

    It was very difficult becoming a volunteer at the hospice Beryl, but I did not have to think of my darling Doug being there because he never was. I don't know what the criteria is for terminally ill cancer patients being accepted into the local hospice but we were never offered that option - not that I know or think that Doug would have wanted to go. But there were patients there who obviously had the same kind of cancer that Doug had. I didn't work in the ward where the patients were admitted for their last few days, but I worked in the Day Care Centre with patients who were not as ill, but still poorly if you know what I mean. Some of the volunteers I worked with had lost someone close to them and found it comforting to be helping other families. I found it too difficult but other probably wouldn't, but we're all so different, what I could do others couldn't, and vice versa. So I understand your apprehension about working in the hospice where your beloved David was when he died. I also think I should have left the volunteering at the hospice for a year after Doug died, which I didn't, I tried to rush into it (because I felt I was going backwards).

    Oh Beryl I bet the work on your room will make a complete change, it all sounds lovely. Once you get the painting done and then put the new throws on it will look just great! I am sure the spring is JUST, just around the corner (hopes) and we will soon be enjoying our gardens once again.

    Hee hee, I thought I was little at 5' 4" but you are just a wee bit smaller, you will need your ladders out for your hanging baskets this summer! Make sure you do them as I'm sure your David will be watching and willing you to get on with them. I bought some seed potatoes today and will attempt to get them planted so I (hopefully) get a nice crop of new spuds in the summer - that's the plan anyway.....

    Today I went out with my friend that I usually go out with on a Thursday for lunch. Well it was her wedding anniversary yesterday but her hubbie isn't bothered about going out so we go out instead. We just went to a nice Italian restaurant in town where we've been before, the food is lovely, and we had a cheeky glass of wine too!

    Saturday my life long friend is coming here for something to eat, watch a few music videos, then we will go into town to the little club we discovered a few weeks ago. I am grateful for my friends, but just wish with all my heart that it was Doug accompanying me.

    Poppy has turned into a Watch Cat! as opposed to a Watch Dog. She growled the other day when she must have heard someone coming up the path to put a leaflet through the letterbox. Yes, she growled like a dog! I didn't even hear anyone, but she must have, little tinker!

    Love and hugs

    Joan

    xxxxx

  • Good morning Beryl,

    I came across this picture quotation this morning and it says so much the same as you so I thought I would post it to you. Hope you like it.

                                      [[ ]]

    Hope you like this ; click on it to enlarge it. Take care Beryl sending best wishes your way, Brian.

  • Hi Beryl

    Just want you to know I often think of you, and how you are doing. I don't come in here as often as I should but wanted you to know my news that my youngest daughter Jodie, is having a baby, so I'll be a grandad fir the first time! We are all looking forward to this, but for us tinged with a little sadness that Donna won't be with us to be a Nana , she would have been a wonderful grandparent, just like I'm sure you are . I still have some bad days and at times it all seems like a nightmare, even after 13,month of losing my darlingI wife. But i try and remain as strong as I can, because I know Donna wouldn't want me to be si down, but it's not easy, as you know. Like you, I've been doing decorating, a bit at a time , just trying to keeping it as nice  as Donna did, but i know I could never come upto a woman's standards , lol . Oh, abd benji sends a big sloppy kiss, so glad I have him to keep me company , he's ready for his walk now but as it's pouring down here don't think we will get very far!

       So take care Beryl and good luck with the decorating.

                                    Kindest regards John x x

  • Hello Marie

    Firstly may I welcome you to this wonderful forum, I am so sorry to read that you have stage 4 breast cancer and my admiration goes to you, what a wondeful brave lady you are.   I am so sorry your lost your husband it must be so hard for you and your five lovely children. Like you I was angry, hurt and. Otter when my lovely David died and hopefully like you as time goes on all this turmoil will subside.    I keep a stiff upper lip for my children and grandchildren  because the hurt in them overwhelms me at times.  But you make am feel so humble you have t been able to grieve properly because there are 5 little ones depending on you and then this evil cancer rears it's ugly head and I sincerely hope that everything goes well for you, they can do such marvellous things with this bl.....dy cancer nowadays.

    Like you part of me has gone with my lovely David, and like you  I fear that final separation from the people that I love as I know they will feel that same anguish and hurt that they are experiencing with the loss of my lovely David.

    Marie you have bought me so much comfort regarding death, when David died I was so relieved that he had no more pain or suffering, and realise that we have to move on  and let them continue with their journey.  David is still in my heart and soul and always will be and yes you are quie right they are still with us through our children

    What an inspiration you are Marie I wish you well and I wish you a speedy recovery from  this awful disease

    I will be thinking of you every step of the way please keep in touch

    Love and hugs

    Beryl cxxx

  • Hello my lovely Joan

    The weather here is appalling, so at present I am in my P.J 's smuggled up on my chair.  I do hope you enjoyed your Thursday luncheon  what I would give to have a circle of friends to do lunch with.  I stayed at my sons last evening he took me out for a glass or two of wine and then back to his for our evening meal with lots of fun and laughter with my grandchildren.  I thoroughly enjoyed it lots of noise it was music to my ears.

    I am going to get some seeds going this year see how I get on with them as I love growing things and you may have a little her here at me being 5'2" but you know what they say Joan, nice things come out of little parcels.  I hope David will guide me when I do the hanging baskets as he did them to perfection.

    I do hope you have a great time on Saturday your little club sounds fab just my cup of tea I wish I was coming with you.  Funnily enough my Poppet growls when somebody comes up my path she hears them before I do, what a lot we have in common.

    Well Joan the decorating starts on Monday, I hope it meets with David's approval as he was such a perfectionist, and hopefully I will sit in it again and not look around for my lovely David.  I am going to call it David's room as he just loved it

    Well my darling have a lovely weekend enjoy your club and tell me all about it.

    Take care

    Love and hugs to you always

    Beryl cxxx

  • Hello Brian

    How I love to hear from you thank you so much for the lovely verse you always find me such lovely words which always bring me comfort.  I do nope you and Mrs B are well.

    Brian came today he was wet through and his bushy tail looked like a limp rag through some nuts through the window as it is far too wet to go out here the weather is awful.

    Take care lovely Brian

    Love and hugs

    Beryl xxxxc

  • Dearest John

    How wonderful to hear from you and my heart felt congratulations for when you become a grandad (you old boot).  Donna, sadly won't be with you to be Nana but she will with you watching your pleasure and looking at that dear little baby when he or she arrives.  I too still have very bad days and like you I try to remain strong because my lovely David would be heartbroken to see me so sad.

    I cant wait for the room to be decorated as it was David's favourite and he spent a lot of his final days there I am going to rename it to David's room as at present I call it the cancer room.

    The weather here is appalling so I wouldn't get very far if I had a dog but please return a big sloppy kids to Benji.

    Thinking of you John and please  give your daughter my hearty congratulations

    Love and hugs

    Beryl xxxx