Hi Beryl

I've just been reading your posts about your wonderful husband David and how you were feeling in the lead up to Christmas. I was crying reading how you were feeling as it just brought home to me that I am not alone in my grief over losing my lovely husband in 2010. I thought I would be feeling a bit better by now but I feel that this is as good as it's going to get.  I do sympathise and understand, like you I was thinking back to what we would have been doing had Doug still been alive, and it just sets the tears off all over again. My Doug was my soulmate too and I will love and miss him forever.

You are most certainly anything but selfish Beryl and it isn't wrong to want our loved ones back, to share the lives we once used to know - that is not wrong or selfish at all. I would give anything in the world to have my Doug back for just one more day.

Love and Hugs

Holly xx

Hi Holly

Thank you so much for your lovely, lovely reply I too can feel your pain and I realise as you rightly said this is as good as it gets, but I get so cross with myself as I am lucky compared to some people who have lost their loved ones.  I have a lovely bungalow which my lovely David and I prepared for our later lives  sadly it iwasn't to be and I now wonder what all this work was all about.  He loved life so much and was so vibrant I absolutely adored him and I do have days where I want to be with him this is so selfish of me but just to have him by my side would be my absolute heaven.

Oh Holly I know I am not the only one in this grieving process I have tried all kinds of things to keep myself occupied but I just feel it is all so pointless  it just is pure loneliness without him and I am sure you feel all of these things that I am saying.  My heart goes out to you my love grief is terrible and Christmas and this time of the year certainly dosent help, hopefully our pain will get a little easier one day who knows.  Dear Holly my thoughts are with you and if I could wave a majic wand and bring your Doug back to you for one day I would.

Love and hugs to you

Beryl xxx

Hi Beryl

I have been thinking about you lately.  My mum said the same thing the other night when she heard a friend of hers was going on holiday with her husband.  She said to me that she and my dad never got away on their own through 40 years plus of marriage and she deeply regrets this.  She said she isn't jealous of her friend just wishes she had done things a little better.

My father wasn't a great traveller especially abroad due to having a bad chest for most of his life.

Why did you feel guilty about getting up later.  You are right Beryl you only have yourself to answer to and you can lie as long as you wish.  These mornings are horrible to get up to early.

My mum feels the same if she has a lie in and like you she is the same.

I hope you start to feel better Beryl but remember it does take time.  My mum still feels down at times and she lost my father nine years this June.

Take care and chat soon

Mickied

Well hello  Mickied

How lovely to hear from you I do hope you are well and you enjoyed Christmas I spent Christmas with my son and Boxing Day with my daughter it was very difficult but I kept a stiff upper lip because I was determined my Granddaughters were going to have a happy time.

You are quite right I can lie in if I wish as for many years I always got up early 7.10 being a lie in for me.

I have good days and bad days mostly bad but if I have a good day it pleases me immensely.  I do hope your children are well and being good, also how is the cat.  Mine have been in all day they don't like to go out in the rain I love them dearly and they are very spoilt as they are really good company for me.

Lovely to hear from you Mickied please keep in touch

Love and hugs

Beryl xxx

Hello my dear friend Beryl

I do hope you managed to find some suitable food for your fussy cats, eeh what are they like eh? What happened to 'cats will eat anything'? It certainly isn't the case for my Poppy, what she likes one day she doesn't like another day. I've managed to find a suitable food for her from Morrison's (their own make) which she loves at the minute. I can't get to Morrison's but my sister shops there so thankfully she has been getting the food for me.

We had a nice afternoon on Thursday when I went to see my friend, also another of our friends came along unexpectedly which was a real treat as she works full time and doesn't get chance to take time off very often (her mum has Alzheimers so a big chunk of her spare time is taken up helping her dad).

Yesterday afternoon I went to see a friend who I've known since school days! We try to meet up every other week either at her house or mine, then we go into town for the evening. We had a good time and it helps a lot because I know if I'm sitting here on my own I always end up in floods of tears, there's always something to trigger it off.

I hope you have managed to buy a few nice things to sort out what sounds like a wonderful room that you and David used to spend so much time in. It does sound as if you need to make some changes to it so you don't always remember the bad times. The room that reminds me so much of Doug is our conservatory that we added in 2006. We used to use it all year round but it was much better in the summer - in the winter it was lovely too as we had one of those stove heaters to keep us warm, two sofas, a little TV etc.. Now I only use it in the summer months, my heart isn't in it anymore.

Try not to feel guilty about getting up late Beryl, just get up when you want to, plenty of rest is most important. I still do a couple of little cleaning jobs which warrant me having to get up at 5.30 am Monday to Saturday, but come Sunday I lie in as long as possible. I still wake up really early out of habit but I get up, let Poppy out, make a cup of tea and go back to bed to read my book. I, like you, have little to look forward to in my life, but that is one of my little guilty pleasures!

Take care

Love and hugs, Joan

xxxxxx

Hello my lovely Joan

Lovely to hear from you I have managed to find some food for the cats it is called Felix Doubly Delicious and they are both devouring it at present.  I am so glad you enjoyed Thursday afternoon just the tonic you need Joan.  You seem to have a nice network of friends and that is good.  I don't see a lot of people as we moved here to Southampton with David's job and the bulk of my friends are all up north so as you can imagine Joan I get very sad and lonely at times.

I can't believe it Joan do you know the room that I am changing was added on to our bungalow in 2006 we have so much in common, I have bought some new throws for the chairs and a new lamp so just waiting now for the decorator to start.   Like you Joan I am only going through the motions with this room business because to be honest my heart is not it it at all I couldn't care less if it got painted or not I just want my lovely David back isn't life cruel Joan.

I did some cooking today decided to stock my freezer up otherwise I don't bother cooking for myself I made loads of meals for myself so it is easy to get a frozen meal out rather than not bothering at all.

Well my lovely go you take care of yourself and please keep in touch

Love and hugs

Beryl xxxxxx

Hi Beryl,

Hope you are feeling okay. Have you been affected by the floods at all? We have been very lucky so far. To access our back garden from the rear of our place, you have to go down three steps and where our house is built used to be a pond years ago. Our back garden has two or three times been underwater and I was getting worried as in the past I have had to go out and lift up a bid drain cover to get rid of the water. The grass still keeps growing but it is waterlogged and will take some time to dry out.

I am surprised how much you and Joan have in common and it must be comforting to be able to talk to someone who knows exactly how you feel. That's why this forum is so badly needed.

Do take care and will talk again soon I hope. Best wishes, Brian

Well hello Brian

As always I am so pleased to hear from you.  With regards to the floods, I have been very lucky it looks very wet everywhere  but so far so good.  I would hate it if I became water logged what about poor little Brian?

Yes Joan and I have loads in common and she is such a comfort to Me as she seems to recognise all the emotions I experience.  Thank God for this forum,

Take care Brian

Lovely to hear from you

Hugs

Beryl xxxxx

Hello my dear friend Beryl

I am glad you have managed to find some suitable food for the cats, I hope they continue to like their Felix food and not turn their noses up after a few weeks. As I mentioned Poppy is still loving the Morrison's own make cat food - as long as I get her the Pate variety anyway!

Has the decorator started your room yet? I totally understand how you feel about not really caring if you get the room painted or not. Yes it is another conicidence Beryl that your room got added in 2006 like our conservatory. I am waiting for the better weather so that I can give the conservatory a good clean, the white plastic needs a good spruce up. I bought two new cushions from Dunelm the other week for the conservatory, they look nice and bright but I'm sure the sun will fade them soon enough.

It must be lonely for you Beryl with most of your friends being up north, I live up north myself, but have been here all my life so have friends from my childhood days and right through my working life. But I have no family myself, apart from my sister and her family, so I do tend to rely on my friends for company. I have now got used to spending a big amount of time on my own, but it was just terrible at first and I often wished that I would die too, the loneliness was so deep. I gradually got used to my life as it is today but there are still things I can't face doing that Doug and I used to do together. We loved watching our music DVD's on a Saturday night, and this house was always full of music, whether it was the radio or CD's, there was always music. Now it's silent. And I think I would struggle to go to the places that Doug and I used to visit, like the Greek islands. I would love to go back but am so afraid that all my memories would make me sad rather than happy.

I hope you enjoyed your cooking session the other day and managed to make some tasty meals for yourself. I do that too, yesterday I made a pan of chilli-con-carne and divided it up for the freezer and tonight I am going to cook mince and freeze some of that too.

Take care Beryl and hope to hear from you soon.

Love and hugs

Joan

xxxx

Hello Beryl I realy hope you are doing ok  I havnt been online for a while I have been struggling with the loss of my darling Tony I dont seem to be able to move on and on the 5th Feb it will be a year since he passed away in my arms and it seems like yesterday I miss him so much its so hard and hurts so much  I am having some counciling now so hope it helps Rusty my lovely greyhound takes me out twice a day we stop and talk to people but then its home to loneliness again .Lets hope Spring is around the corner and we can get out into the garden lots of tidying to be done .I feel it helps to talk to someone who has been through the same thing the loss of the loveof our lifes   your David and my Tony ,sorry to have moaned on  but thankyou for understanding Beryl and hope to chat again soon ,big hugs to you  xSusananne

Hi Susananne,

So nice to see you name on here again although I am sorry to hear you are still suffering and that it will soon be the anniversary of tony's passing. It must be so hard for you. I will be thinking of you on the 5th of next month. Do take care, best wishes as always, Brian.

My Dear lovely Joan

Oh how I love to hear from you, my cats are still loving their Felix especially Poppet, I am at my daughters house at prseent so when I go home later today, neither Maggie or Poppet will look at me they hate me going away.

My decorator is starting on 1st Feb , so maybe when it's completed I can go and sit in there and enjoy the lovely view again.  Isn't it nice Joan that you have nice friends who care about you I am so very pleased for you.  Oh Joan I know that feeling so well, the bungalow is so quiet now, it used to be so noisy when my lovely David was here, it was always full of laughter, music, sport on the tele and he adored Liverpool FC I won't go to any of the holiday places we visited as like you I would feel so sad.

My freezer is full to bursting with all the  reals I have made judt have to make myself eat them now.

I am dying for the better weather as the garden is my favourite place to be,

Look after yourself my lovely

Take care

Love and hugs

Beryl xxxxxxx

My Dear lovely Joan

Oh how I love to hear from you, my cats are still loving their Felix especially Poppet, I am at my daughters house at prseent so when I go home later today, neither Maggie or Poppet will look at me they hate me going away.

My decorator is starting on 1st Feb , so maybe when it's completed I can go and sit in there and enjoy the lovely view again.  Isn't it nice Joan that you have nice friends who care about you I am so very pleased for you.  Oh Joan I know that feeling so well, the bungalow is so quiet now, it used to be so noisy when my lovely David was here, it was always full of laughter, music, sport on the tele and he adored Liverpool FC I won't go to any of the holiday places we visited as like you I would feel so sad.

My freezer is full to bursting with all the  reals I have made judt have to make myself eat them now.

I am dying for the better weather as the garden is my favourite place to be,

Look after yourself my lovely

Take care

Love and hugs

Beryl xxxxxxx

Hello again my dear friend Beryl

So pleased to hear from you again and I'm glad the cats are still enjoying their food, I hope they didn't fall out with you for too long when you got back home from your daughters. Aren't they so spoilt! Poppy decided she wanted to sit on my knee last night and when I had to move her off she was furious, she makes growling noises in her throat and then she hissed at me! I think I make it worse because I laugh at her, but boy was she annoyed. She has just jumped into my seat on the settee, curled up and fell asleep - think I'll leave her there rather than annoy her!

I can't wait for the nicer weather to come along Beryl, I too love to be in my garden and hate this time of the year. I want to use the conservatory again but don't feel like it just now, it's so cold but I love it because it overlooks my back garden which is lovely when it's the summer.

Doug would have been so happy the other night as he too was a football supporter, he loved Sunderland AFC and they won on Wednesday and are going to Wembley. What made me so sad was that I would normally have been ecstatic and cheering myself but I was on my own. On the Thursday morning when I was walking to work I felt like bursting into tears as I still hadn't been able to talk about it with anyone. That is one of the many things I miss, chatting to Doug about day to day events.

Tomorrow I'm meeting another of my friends who I haven't seen since early December, we try to meet up once a month for a bit of shopping, then we have something to eat and a glass (or three) of wine. She is one of my former work friends and she lost her husband, in 2007, to leaukeamia. We should have a nice day as we both have M&S vouchers from Christmas so we're hoping to pick up some nice clothes, they might have their spring stock in.

Take care Beryl, and keep warm!

Love and hugs

Joan

xxxx

Hello my lovely Joan

Well here I am burning the midnight oil, since I lost my lovely David I don't sleep at all well, I have tried everything and I just cannot sleep so I sit and read or watch tele until my eyes start to close and then I go to bed but it takes a long time to get to that stage.   I do hope you enjoyed yourself with your friend  I would love somebody like that to just go and have a coffee or a glass of wine or two.

My cats are being good and still eating their food thank goodness I can't do with the hassle of trying to find the right food for them.  I am so sorry you felt sad after the football I know that feeling I shall be watching Liverpool tomorrow alone of course and I shall be thinking of my lovely David.  Oh Joan I am trying to be happy but I do t think I will ever be happy ever again I miss him so much and this pain is constantly with me it will not go away.  The only thing I am glad about is that David cannot feel this horrible pain called grief.   If only I could see him for 1 minute  just to know that he is ok I loved him so much.

Sorry to ramble on Joan you have enough to deal with without me going on.

Have a good spend at M &S with your friend and enjoy your day.

Love and hugs

Beryl xxxx

Hello my dear friend Beryl

You don't ramble on at all Beryl, I'm always pleased to read your e-mails and to know that you are able to share some of your feelings with me. It helps a little to get things written down, and to know that you are not alone in your grief.

Well, my friend and I had a nice afternoon out on Saturday, we did a lot of window shopping then went to a nice pub for a meal and some wine. I didn't see anything I fancied to use my vouchers on. I'm going shopping tomorrow on my own so will look again and hope they have started to get some spring clothes in. The weather hardly seems spring-like though does it? I long for the summer but I think it's a long way off still.

I understand how you feel Beryl, and I too don't think I will ever find true happiness again. It does help going out with my friends but it's not the same as going out with my beloved Doug, we were soulmates. I often sit and think of him and still find it hard to believe that he has gone, and doesn't exist anymore! It scares me so much. I still have very vivid dreams that Doug is still here, then I have to wake up and it's just horrible. Doug died in November 2010 but it might as well have been yesterday, I know I have moved on slowly but don't think I'll get any further than where I am now.  I have some videos that Doug will be on which were taken with our camcorder but I haven't dared to view them yet, I need to be a bit stronger for that - and even then I know I'll not be able to watch much as I'll be crying too hard. One day though....

I hope the weather where you are is ok and you are keeping warm.

Take care - love and hugs

Joan

xxxx

My Dearest Joan

Lovely to hear from you so pleased you enjoyed yourself on Saturday and glad you had a nice lunch although sorry you didn't  spend your vouchers .  I cant wait for the nice weather to come and I shall be able to get into my garden.  I am having  my room decorated next week you know the one I call the cancer room once that is decorated I am sure I will use it again.   I am pleased you have moved on a little bit Joan I just wish I could move on an inch but I can't  get David out of my head I think of him day and night we too were soul mates I loved him so much. 

Oh Joan I hope when I leave this cruel world my lovely David will be there to meet me.

The weather here is rubbish it has suddenly gone quiet cold.

Take care Hun

Thinking of you

Love and hugs

Beryl xxx

Hello my dear friend Beryl

I got soaked this morning walking to work, I must be mad doing these cleaning jobs! It was ok last summer, I was walking to work at 6am with no coat on! Wouldn't fancy that now.

It is really very hard trying to move on as you have found Beryl. After Doug died I didn't think the grief and sorrow could feel any worse, but after 2 - 3 months I felt as if I was going backwards, not moving forwards, although it was too soon to be moving forward anyway. So I decided to become a volunteer for one morning a week at the local hospice, just to make myself do something. I can't say I enjoyed it, in fact I dreaded it, but felt as if I had to really push myself otherwise I could see me going further and further back. I did the volunteering for about 8 months which helped me feel able to look for the cleaning jobs I do today. It was hard going but I think, fo me, it did help me to take those tiny steps forwards. As I mentioned I don't think I will go any further forward now from where I am today. I think about Doug constantly, he is never out of my mind or my dreams, and so many little things happen during the day which trigger off one memory or another. When I knew Doug had terminal cancer I would never have dreamt that after 3 years I would still feel so raw and grief stricken - no the wonder it's said that you don't get over the death of a loved one, you just have to learn to live with it.

I hope your decorating is soon finished so that you can start using your room again, sometimes a spruce up can make a bit of difference and you'll feel happier that it is no longer the cancer room. I really wish that the nicer weather was here as, like you Beryl, I love my garden. I had just started to grow vegetables for Doug and I in a couple of plots when he was taken poorly, so I continue each year to keep growing things - he would have been so proud. I also like lots of flowers and hanging baskets too, but I have to get the ladders out to put up the hanging baskets now that Doug isn't here to help me.

Your lovely David will be waiting to meet you Beryl, when you leave this evil cruel world.

Take care.

Love and hugs

Joan

xxxx

Hello my lovely friend Joan

How I love to hear from you, I am so sorry you got a soaking going to work this weather is just horrible.  How brave of you to become a volunteer at your local hospice.  I was thinking of volunteering for our local hospice but as my lovely David died there I am a little apprehensive at present. Like you I think about David constantly and you are quite right I will never get over David's death I will have to learn to live with it I wonder if Doug and David can see our sadness.  Like you every day a memory will trigger off one thing and another.

I am going with my decorator on Sunday to buy the paint etc., for him to start on Monday I have also bought some lovely  throws to go over the chairs so I won't be looking at David's chair I feel comfort in the fact that David went unconscious  in that room so that would have been his last memory and how he loved to sit in there looking over the garden and all the green fields at the back

Like you I love my garden and like you I love lots of hanging baskets but also like you I have to get the ladder out as I am only 5'2"  it is a struggle.  Please keep in touch my lovely, and I do hope Doug and David will be waiting for us both

My love and hugs to you

Beryl xxxxxxx

Hello Joan,and hello to everyone else taking part on this forum.

I am a newbie to Cancer Chat, having been diagnosed only yesterday with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. I am scheduled to start a course of Hormone Therapy treatment.

I lost my hubby to a Pulmonary Embolism at the beginning of December 2013. We have 5 Children.

My hubby Ken & I did everything together. We Home-tutored our children even though neither of us have any formal teacher training qualifications. My aim is to continue with the Home-tutoring in spite of my loss & recent diagnosis.

Life goes on regardless. I have because of the recent events happening so quickly & suddenly, not had the opportunity to grieve properly. I have 5 children to consider, and it would do no service to me or them if I break down now.

I know that my hubby's death was the death of a part of me. I know that it will signal me experiencing those things I fear the most. For example the permanent separation of myself from those that I love.

I was very bitter and angry with the world when Ken died. To be quite honest, I still am a little. But I know in time that this feeling will eventually subside.

I think that we have all been conditioned to think that death is something wicked and final. I have come to a realisation that death is not our foe, but our friend. Death is not final, but a process of our spirits graduating on to the next lesson, level or phase. We would never want our loved one's to be in pain, or to experience such intense pain again, neither would we want them to resit an exam, if they had passed it with flying colours and moved on. Our loved ones have moved on and we have to eventually let them go, for fear of hindering their divine progression.

I miss Ken. There is no doubt about that, but I do not wish him back into this physical world, or for him to go through all the trials and tribulations of the physical for a second time. I have his children here with me. They are the true image and reflection of him. So in a sense he is still in the physical with be, but in a completely different way.

I have my own personal trials and tribulations to face, regardless of the love around me from family and friends. My trials are my own, my own journey, and it is a journey that I will ultimately  do alone.

You will get through what ever you are going through. Though it may feel at present to be an impossibility.  You will have up and down days because that is the extremes of your existence trying to balance itself. It will eventually settle. Any variations of that will only be if it is your will to be so.

So for as long as I have control of my destiny, it is my will to see this through and to be around for as long as I am able and experience those things dear to me, before I can finally say I am ready to exit.

It is my desire that you experience that peace of mind.

My love thoughts & best wishes to you and to everyone else here,

Peace

Marie

Hello again to my dear friend Beryl

It was very difficult becoming a volunteer at the hospice Beryl, but I did not have to think of my darling Doug being there because he never was. I don't know what the criteria is for terminally ill cancer patients being accepted into the local hospice but we were never offered that option - not that I know or think that Doug would have wanted to go. But there were patients there who obviously had the same kind of cancer that Doug had. I didn't work in the ward where the patients were admitted for their last few days, but I worked in the Day Care Centre with patients who were not as ill, but still poorly if you know what I mean. Some of the volunteers I worked with had lost someone close to them and found it comforting to be helping other families. I found it too difficult but other probably wouldn't, but we're all so different, what I could do others couldn't, and vice versa. So I understand your apprehension about working in the hospice where your beloved David was when he died. I also think I should have left the volunteering at the hospice for a year after Doug died, which I didn't, I tried to rush into it (because I felt I was going backwards).

Oh Beryl I bet the work on your room will make a complete change, it all sounds lovely. Once you get the painting done and then put the new throws on it will look just great! I am sure the spring is JUST, just around the corner (hopes) and we will soon be enjoying our gardens once again.

Hee hee, I thought I was little at 5' 4" but you are just a wee bit smaller, you will need your ladders out for your hanging baskets this summer! Make sure you do them as I'm sure your David will be watching and willing you to get on with them. I bought some seed potatoes today and will attempt to get them planted so I (hopefully) get a nice crop of new spuds in the summer - that's the plan anyway.....

Today I went out with my friend that I usually go out with on a Thursday for lunch. Well it was her wedding anniversary yesterday but her hubbie isn't bothered about going out so we go out instead. We just went to a nice Italian restaurant in town where we've been before, the food is lovely, and we had a cheeky glass of wine too!

Saturday my life long friend is coming here for something to eat, watch a few music videos, then we will go into town to the little club we discovered a few weeks ago. I am grateful for my friends, but just wish with all my heart that it was Doug accompanying me.

Poppy has turned into a Watch Cat! as opposed to a Watch Dog. She growled the other day when she must have heard someone coming up the path to put a leaflet through the letterbox. Yes, she growled like a dog! I didn't even hear anyone, but she must have, little tinker!

Love and hugs

Joan

xxxxx

Good morning Beryl,

I came across this picture quotation this morning and it says so much the same as you so I thought I would post it to you. Hope you like it.

                                  [[]]

Hope you like this ; click on it to enlarge it. Take care Beryl sending best wishes your way, Brian.

Hi Beryl

Just want you to know I often think of you, and how you are doing. I don't come in here as often as I should but wanted you to know my news that my youngest daughter Jodie, is having a baby, so I'll be a grandad fir the first time! We are all looking forward to this, but for us tinged with a little sadness that Donna won't be with us to be a Nana , she would have been a wonderful grandparent, just like I'm sure you are . I still have some bad days and at times it all seems like a nightmare, even after 13,month of losing my darlingI wife. But i try and remain as strong as I can, because I know Donna wouldn't want me to be si down, but it's not easy, as you know. Like you, I've been doing decorating, a bit at a time , just trying to keeping it as nice  as Donna did, but i know I could never come upto a woman's standards , lol . Oh, abd benji sends a big sloppy kiss, so glad I have him to keep me company , he's ready for his walk now but as it's pouring down here don't think we will get very far!

   So take care Beryl and good luck with the decorating.

                                Kindest regards John x x