Hi Susananne,

So nice to see you name on here again although I am sorry to hear you are still suffering and that it will soon be the anniversary of tony's passing. It must be so hard for you. I will be thinking of you on the 5th of next month. Do take care, best wishes as always, Brian.

Susanne Hello My Love

I do hope you are ok and I am so sorry you are struggling with the loss of your darling Tony,, it is still very early days yet, so don't worry about moving on just keep taking baby steps.  I will be thinking of you on the 5th February  and Susanne 12 months is no time at all no doubt you will still be feeling very raw.  It is 14 months since I lost my lovely David and I still feel very raw and sad inside so my darling I can recognise how you feel.  I just cried and cried last Monday I just wanted my life back with my lovely David.

Susananne I am here so keep coming to chat I love to hear from you

Love and hugs always

Beryl xxxxxx

Hi Beryl

Just saw your message.  My hours at work have all been changed so I only get to check in every few days to see how everyone is keeping.

Christmas was quiet but I thought I was having a heart attack on Boxing Day and it was a bit scary but then it all passed.

My mum says the same about lie ins.  She used to get up really early after staying up late the night before and has now realised I don't need to get up early in the mornings because I can do what I want.

She would be lost without her dog Lady which is a female lurcher.  She says she is great company at nights for her.  My brother is back home from America but spends most of his time at his girlfriend's house as they are planning on getting married 2016 and she says she can't expect him to stay with her all the time.  My daughters stay with her every Friday night and they have their tea-time treat.

Kids are doing really well at school and Bugsy the cat is too.  He left me another present the other day (a mouse) at the step at my back door.  Luckily my husband saw it before me and removed it.

I hate mice/rats Beryl I have a real phobia of them.  I can't even watch them on TV.  I have to hide behind the cushion while my two daughters have a good laugh at my expense.

Of course I will keep in touch Beryl.  Look after yourself and the kitties too.

Mickied

Hello again my dear friend Beryl

So pleased to hear from you again and I'm glad the cats are still enjoying their food, I hope they didn't fall out with you for too long when you got back home from your daughters. Aren't they so spoilt! Poppy decided she wanted to sit on my knee last night and when I had to move her off she was furious, she makes growling noises in her throat and then she hissed at me! I think I make it worse because I laugh at her, but boy was she annoyed. She has just jumped into my seat on the settee, curled up and fell asleep - think I'll leave her there rather than annoy her!

I can't wait for the nicer weather to come along Beryl, I too love to be in my garden and hate this time of the year. I want to use the conservatory again but don't feel like it just now, it's so cold but I love it because it overlooks my back garden which is lovely when it's the summer.

Doug would have been so happy the other night as he too was a football supporter, he loved Sunderland AFC and they won on Wednesday and are going to Wembley. What made me so sad was that I would normally have been ecstatic and cheering myself but I was on my own. On the Thursday morning when I was walking to work I felt like bursting into tears as I still hadn't been able to talk about it with anyone. That is one of the many things I miss, chatting to Doug about day to day events.

Tomorrow I'm meeting another of my friends who I haven't seen since early December, we try to meet up once a month for a bit of shopping, then we have something to eat and a glass (or three) of wine. She is one of my former work friends and she lost her husband, in 2007, to leaukeamia. We should have a nice day as we both have M&S vouchers from Christmas so we're hoping to pick up some nice clothes, they might have their spring stock in.

Take care Beryl, and keep warm!

Love and hugs

Joan

xxxx

Hello my lovely Joan

Well here I am burning the midnight oil, since I lost my lovely David I don't sleep at all well, I have tried everything and I just cannot sleep so I sit and read or watch tele until my eyes start to close and then I go to bed but it takes a long time to get to that stage.   I do hope you enjoyed yourself with your friend  I would love somebody like that to just go and have a coffee or a glass of wine or two.

My cats are being good and still eating their food thank goodness I can't do with the hassle of trying to find the right food for them.  I am so sorry you felt sad after the football I know that feeling I shall be watching Liverpool tomorrow alone of course and I shall be thinking of my lovely David.  Oh Joan I am trying to be happy but I do t think I will ever be happy ever again I miss him so much and this pain is constantly with me it will not go away.  The only thing I am glad about is that David cannot feel this horrible pain called grief.   If only I could see him for 1 minute  just to know that he is ok I loved him so much.

Sorry to ramble on Joan you have enough to deal with without me going on.

Have a good spend at M &S with your friend and enjoy your day.

Love and hugs

Beryl xxxx

Hello dear Beryl how are you feeling today and what is the weather like in your area,here in Cornwall its awful rain hails and very windy  ,where is the sunshine .Today is my youngest son Dylans birthday so we all went out for lunch I did sort of enjoyit but my Tony was missing and its hard missing him so much I expect you feel just the same ,but this is how it will always be I suppose and we will have to try to accept it .I hope you have had company today Sundays are always so quiet my children do ring for a chat but I do feel lonely .I hope your daughter is well and coping with the loss of her dad,it dosnt just affect us it affects our children and friends .Tonys best friend cant face coming to see me his wife says he is afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting me I said he wont but still no visit .Well Beryl I bet you cant wait to get out into the garden and sort things even if we cant get out  the birds give a lot of pleasure mr and mrs blackbird live in my hebe bush I love watching them .Dear Beryl  keep doing what your doing and things will be fine you have beautiful memories no one can take from you ,speak soon big hugs Susanannex

Hello my dear friend Beryl

You don't ramble on at all Beryl, I'm always pleased to read your e-mails and to know that you are able to share some of your feelings with me. It helps a little to get things written down, and to know that you are not alone in your grief.

Well, my friend and I had a nice afternoon out on Saturday, we did a lot of window shopping then went to a nice pub for a meal and some wine. I didn't see anything I fancied to use my vouchers on. I'm going shopping tomorrow on my own so will look again and hope they have started to get some spring clothes in. The weather hardly seems spring-like though does it? I long for the summer but I think it's a long way off still.

I understand how you feel Beryl, and I too don't think I will ever find true happiness again. It does help going out with my friends but it's not the same as going out with my beloved Doug, we were soulmates. I often sit and think of him and still find it hard to believe that he has gone, and doesn't exist anymore! It scares me so much. I still have very vivid dreams that Doug is still here, then I have to wake up and it's just horrible. Doug died in November 2010 but it might as well have been yesterday, I know I have moved on slowly but don't think I'll get any further than where I am now.  I have some videos that Doug will be on which were taken with our camcorder but I haven't dared to view them yet, I need to be a bit stronger for that - and even then I know I'll not be able to watch much as I'll be crying too hard. One day though....

I hope the weather where you are is ok and you are keeping warm.

Take care - love and hugs

Joan

xxxx

Hello Susanannne

Lovely to hear from you the weather here is rainy and cold imam glad you enjoyed Dylan's birthday as much as you could and I know how much you must have missed your Tony and yes you are quite right this is how it will always be.  I was on my own on Sunday and felt very lonely  I spoke to my son on the phone but that was it.  My daughter seems to be coming to terms slowly with David's death this has affected my children and grandchildren so much.  I'm sorry Tonys best friend dosent visit anymore but do you know Susananne neither do any of David's friends it is so sad because they do not understand what it is like to feel this bereft,.  You are so lucky to have your blackbirds I don't know where my birds have gone there isn't one on the feeder anymore I can't understand why.

Lovely Susanne I love to hear from you try not to be too sad I know how you feel.

Take care

Love and hugs to you

Beryl xxxx

My Dearest Joan

Lovely to hear from you so pleased you enjoyed yourself on Saturday and glad you had a nice lunch although sorry you didn't  spend your vouchers .  I cant wait for the nice weather to come and I shall be able to get into my garden.  I am having  my room decorated next week you know the one I call the cancer room once that is decorated I am sure I will use it again.   I am pleased you have moved on a little bit Joan I just wish I could move on an inch but I can't  get David out of my head I think of him day and night we too were soul mates I loved him so much. 

Oh Joan I hope when I leave this cruel world my lovely David will be there to meet me.

The weather here is rubbish it has suddenly gone quiet cold.

Take care Hun

Thinking of you

Love and hugs

Beryl xxx