Hi Beryl,

Here I am, Bright eyed and bushy tailed, munching on nuts as usual but having to ration myself as I don't have that many chestnuts left now Beryl.

Please do not be angry with yourself. Crying is just part of the grieving proccess and it's ony natural that you will have bad days which as Hope has said will be made worse by the bug you still have. This in itself makes you feel low and more prone to emotional periods like you are going through.

Glad I am able to cheer you up, do take care, best wishes, Brian.

Hi Beryl

Firstly let me wish you a Happy New Year.

I have read your previous posts with sadness, but don't apologise or get annoyed for how you feel. I completely understand what you are going through. My Christmas was a very unhappy one but tried to put a brave smile on my face for the sake of Rhys. I didn't hear anything at all from John's parents over the Christmas period and I was wondering if I had done something to upset them. In fact I haven't heard from them since September.

Anyway enough about me rambling on, I do hope that the days will start to get better for you Beryl and you have lots of new things to look forward too.

Love and Best Wishes

Sarah xxx

Hi Brian

You always manage to cheer me up for which I thank you so much I have had another emotional morning, my daughter bough me one of those digital photo frame things for Christmas and I have been ploughing through pictures of happy times me and my lovely David shared of course this has done me no good at all I wish I hadn't started what is happening to me I just want a bit of happiness just  now and can't seem to find it.   I just wish I could just spend one more minute with my lovely David I would hold him so tight.   Please forgive me Brian I am just going through a very bad phase at present I send you and Mrs B all my love and hugs xxx

Hi Sarah

How lovely to hear from you and a very happy new year to you I am so sad that you haven't heard from Johns parents Christmas is hard enough without  any unpleasantness they should have been pleased that you were the very person that made John happy.  I don't know people are so very thoughtless at times.

Anyway don't be worrying about it you have your lovely little boy to think of.  I can understand Christmas being unhappy for you I just went along with it and put on a stiff upper lip as they say.  Life will never ever be the same for me as I miss my lovely David more than anything

Anyway nothing is going to bring him back to me so I just hold him in my heart forever.

Take care darling love and  hugs

Beryl xxxxx

Hi Beryl

I've just been reading your posts about your wonderful husband David and how you were feeling in the lead up to Christmas. I was crying reading how you were feeling as it just brought home to me that I am not alone in my grief over losing my lovely husband in 2010. I thought I would be feeling a bit better by now but I feel that this is as good as it's going to get.  I do sympathise and understand, like you I was thinking back to what we would have been doing had Doug still been alive, and it just sets the tears off all over again. My Doug was my soulmate too and I will love and miss him forever.

You are most certainly anything but selfish Beryl and it isn't wrong to want our loved ones back, to share the lives we once used to know - that is not wrong or selfish at all. I would give anything in the world to have my Doug back for just one more day.

Love and Hugs

Holly xx

Hi Holly

Thank you so much for your lovely, lovely reply I too can feel your pain and I realise as you rightly said this is as good as it gets, but I get so cross with myself as I am lucky compared to some people who have lost their loved ones.  I have a lovely bungalow which my lovely David and I prepared for our later lives  sadly it iwasn't to be and I now wonder what all this work was all about.  He loved life so much and was so vibrant I absolutely adored him and I do have days where I want to be with him this is so selfish of me but just to have him by my side would be my absolute heaven.

Oh Holly I know I am not the only one in this grieving process I have tried all kinds of things to keep myself occupied but I just feel it is all so pointless  it just is pure loneliness without him and I am sure you feel all of these things that I am saying.  My heart goes out to you my love grief is terrible and Christmas and this time of the year certainly dosent help, hopefully our pain will get a little easier one day who knows.  Dear Holly my thoughts are with you and if I could wave a majic wand and bring your Doug back to you for one day I would.

Love and hugs to you

Beryl xxx

Hi Beryl

Thanks for your kind and comforting reply. I too live in a bungalow which was supposed to be for our retirement, we did loads of work to it but it was mostly Doug who did the hard work. I don't think I could ever move from here as there are far too many memories associated with it. I keep dreaming that Doug and I are still together, but in my dream I know he has supposed to have died and yet he is still with me - it's heartbreaking when I wake up and find it isn't true.

I know you struggled with Christmas, doesn't it make you so sad when all around you are excited and happy and discussing their plans. I don't feel part of Christmas now, I just go through the motions and am truly glad when it's all over. The first Christmas after Doug died I had to go into a card shop for a card for my little great-nephew and the first cards I passed was the Husband section. With tears rolling down my face I beat a hasty retreat, I know you will understand that feeling.

Life does seem pointless to me too, there's nothing more to look forward to and it seems a case of just plodding on without anything to be excited about. We used to really look forward to our holidays in Greece, or little weekend trips away in this country.  I have friends who would come away with me but I just really don't feel like going anywhere now, but you never know - one day sometime in the future that time might come.

It is not selfish to want someone you love so much by your side, it is a very normal feeling and totally understandable. I wish we did have a magic wand.

Love and hugs, keep in touch

Joan xxxx

Hi Sarah,

I hope you are well and have not been affected by the floods. Sorry to hear you have not heard from Johns parents. I would have thought that by contacting you they would be able to comfort you and as so often happen on here this would also help them. I can well understand you having conflicting emotions; trying to appear happy for Rhys sake but it must have been so hard for you to put on a happy face while missing all that you had with John.

Do take care, sending you best wishes, Brian.

Hi again Beryl

Your bungalow and garden sound amazing, what a wonderful place to spread David's ashes. I still have Doug's ashes at home with me, I keep thinking that I should scatter them somewhere. I would love to one day go back to Greece and scatter some on his favourite islands but I'm not sure that will ever happen. I have created a small memorial garden for him out the back so I suppose some could go on there. He was also in the Navy when he first left school and I've often thought of scattering some at sea, he often talked about his travels all over the world and the exotic places he had visited and wanted to take me to.

I too love my garden and Doug and I did so much work to it over the years, including cutting down some old out of shape trees - it is nice and private and was lovely last summer when we got that gorgeous weather. It was sad though, sitting out on my own as we always used to love to sit out together, chatting and putting the world to rights. Then Doug used to enjoy a little sleep in the sunshine while I sat and read. Happy days. I still enjoy doing the gardening but I was never meant to be doing it all on my own.

I'm still having my crazy dreams where Doug is still with me even though I know he isn't supposed to be, it makes me so happy that I haven't lost him after all - then I wake up and he isn't with me and I hate it and grieve all over again.

Here's hoping for a nice short winter and long spring and summer, so we can get out in our gardens.

Take care Beryl

Love and hugs

Joan xx

Hello Lovely Joan

Our conversations we have had  recently never cease to amaze me, I too did a memorial garden for my lovely David, also David was in the Merchant. Navy and he often used to tell me about his days at sea, where he wanted to take me and how he loved the sea.   You and Doug also did what we did, just sit in the sunshine admire our work in the garden, put the world to rights, do our crossword together and then my lovely David would fall asleep and I would carry on reading my book we were so happy I can't understand life at all if we are supposed to have a God above why would he be so cruel  as to mess our lives up like this.  I know one thing I think this place is hell because I have been in it since my lovely David died.  He was so vibrant he never ever wanted to die he used to worry about leaving me on my own.

Sorry to rant on Joan but I get so angry at times, you see people who are so miserable with each other  and spend years putting up with their lives together, ours was never like that we were so happy  and in  love.

I love my garden but like you it was a together thing, I do feel for you Joan especially when you have those dreams of Doug nice when you are asleep but when you wake up he's not there that' makes me sad for you.  I have had only one dream of David and I was heart broken the next day it left me all agitated

Never mind my love gardening time will be here soon.

Lots of love and hugs

Beryl xxx