struggling to cope after my husbands death

Hi i am new here and this is the first time i have posted anything. My Husband John died on 12th of July after being diagnosed in May this year with oesophageal cancer. I just feel lost and dont seem to be able to move on. He has always been a well man and even when diagnosed they said he was stage 4 and inoperable because it had gone into his liver. He had no symptoms at all apart from a small annoying but not painful feeling in his stomach. He asked if he could take his family on holiday before starting chemo, the consultant said that nothing major would happen in the next couple of weeks. we went ahead and booked a huge family holiday in spain. 4 days after arriving i found him collapsed on the kitchen floor. we rushed him to hospital where they said he was suffering from severe pancreatitusand kept him in for 2 weeks. we flew him home and he stayed at home for a week but was still very sick. he was taken into hospital again on the sunday and after a scan on the wednesday we were told that he didnt have a healthy piece of liver left and were told that he would only surrive another few days. he passes away 4 days later. i just dont know what to do i am all on my own and cannot stop crying, the tears are streaming down my face just writing this. i need help.

  • I am sorry to hear of your loss. My partner died 6 weeks ago and that was sudden also. I have no family or anyone else and I miss him terribly and I cry almost all the time non stop. Have you considered charity work? I find reading books a great help as it takes my mind off it albeit for a short time but find it does help. I do hope life becomes less of a trauma for yourself
  • Hey Astra.....I feel your pain over and over again. Last November, my husband passed out and suffered a seizure. That's when we found out that he had Brain Cancer/Lung Cancer/Liver Cancer. He was in bad shape. Naturally as men are what they are, he NEVER said anything to me - I don't know if he thought something was wrong or not. Stage 4 Lung Cancer. He began radiation therapy a week later and was taking meds. Even put on 11 lbs in less than 2 weeks (I was thrilled - thought there was a chance). I reached out to a cancer centre in NYC and not only were they NOT nice to me on the phone, they said that they are ''not a surgical facility/not a hospital'. They wrote him off because he was already stage 4. You want to know why their 'stats' are so high? Because they pick and choose who they can help. Therefore keeping their survival level high. I HATE them. When I hear a commercial, I want to VOMIT. I sent them an email and really let them have a piece of my heart. Anyway, my husband survived from 11/19/2016 - 12/23/2016. The cancer moved fast. Its a DEVIL inside our bodies. I miss him so much. He was the heart and soul of my life. I was the heart and soul of his life. We were married 36 years. My son is a horrible person. He's nasty to me and I will not go visit for I do fear him some. I have three grandchildren (everyone lives in Washington State). My daughter in law pretends to be ''an angel''. I know better. Maybe I could heal faster IF there was a relationship. But I'm afraid its too late. Thanks for ''listening'' 'CINDERELLA'

  • I have recently lost my husband on the 4th July.He also had oesophageal cancer. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I don't want to see or speak to anyone as it just upsets me.
  • Hi Lillyflies, 

    I'm really sorry to hear that your husband passed away recently and on behalf of the moderation team I just wanted to offer you our sincerest condolences and let you know our thoughts are with you.

    Many members here have been through this experience and will know what you're going through right now. Hopefully some of them will be along soon to offer their support and advice but in the meantime I have included some information about coping with grief which I hope will be of some help and comfort at this time.

    There is a more active and on-going discussion where members are discussing how they are getting on since their partners passed away here if you would like to have a look as well. 

    Kind regards, 

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Hello Lillyflies1964.  I am so very, very sorry to hear about your husband.  It is extremely early days yet and the shock of it will not have sunk in yet. I remember coming home from the hospital with our sons after my husband had died and telling them I wanted to be on my own so they went to their own homes.  I locked the front door and fell onto my knees and screamed into a cushion, I was howling like a wounded animal.  It is now nearly three years since he died in August 2014 and I still cry for what I have lost, I cry for the future I don't have with him anymore and I cry for the past and the memories we made over 50 years together.

    Life has never been the same since that terrible day, there is no joy in my life anymore, the only thing that kept me going was our German Shepherd dog, he was Peters dog really, he was always sat with him, then when Peter died he showered me with his love so for the past three years it has been Barney and me, I had to get up in a morning to see to him.  Then two weeks ago, our Barney who was now 8 years old suddenly died of cancer, I did not know he was ill until the morning of his death, no symptoms at all, now I have lost the only thing that kept me going. The house is empty and no longer a home.

    I honestly feel for you I really do and I wish I could tell you it gets better in time, but for me it hasn't, I am frozen in time really, I live in the past more than I live in the present, I look at photos, play our wedding videos and listen to our music.  I am not depressed as some people would like to think, I prefer to do what I am doing because it is when I was the happiest.  Perhaps as the years roll on I will feel better but I honestly don't know.  I accept my husband has died and I accept my pet has died but I do not like it, I hate the life I have even though I have a lovely home we shared nearly all our married lives but it is not the same, it never will be the same so I live day to day, on my own, seeing our sons and grandchildren every two weeks. I told my sons that this is the very first time in all my 74 years that I have lived alone with no-one or nothing else with me. Every single one of our family of the past have gone.  It is a lonely existence.

    I am thinking of you and everyone else on this site who are newly bereaved or have been bereaved for quite some time because I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

    Sending my best wishes to you.  Sheilaxx

     

     

  • I lost my husband on the 20th of July he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 11 months ago we were married 50 years in March this year we have 3 children all married with children we have 7 grandchildren who were all with him when he died they have been very supportive but they have there own lives to live and I dread being a burden to them . They say how well I'm coping but that's because I don't let them see how can you there grieving for the dad .im so very very sad don't know how I can go on with out him he was a pain in the backside he was an avid eBay user buying rubbish that might be useful one day and all I want is him home here with me it hurts and it seams to be getting worse ever day
  • Hello I lost my wife on the. 7th July 2017 She was so brave. Never showed any signs off pain to last day. Any lily flies. You have to talk and get out that is part off the healing. I still feel very lost and empty without. My wife but know she would not want me broken

  • I’m so sorry to here this....my husband was diagnosed on the 6th June with the same cancer. He couldn’t swallow and was told it could be removed. After having more scans they told us it had spread to his spine...... he was so ill and only managed one round of chemo ...... in one week we was told it was in his lungs and liver and kidney and brain .... he had two strokes and passed away on the 18th October I’m broken and just don’t know how I will cope
  • HI lillyflies, i too am in a situation having just lost my partner of 10yrs, Ivana, to stomach cancer on the 29th oct 2017. It hurts so much, i am lost , frightened, at times desperate to the point of not wanting to go on. Everything is painful and the waves of grief are overwhelming. she is irreplaceable I feel your grief Love Paul xx
  • Welcome to Cancer Chat Paul although I'm sorry to hear of Ivana's passing and would like to offer you my sincerest condolences.

    Dealing with grief can be very tough but I'm glad you've found the forum and are finding support from other members going through the same experience as yourself. I just wanted to stop by and let you know that whenever you feel like times are really tough that the Samaritans are just a phone call away. They are available 24 hours a day on 116 123 so if you ever need to talk to someone do give them a call.

    Many members have found bereavement counselling to be really helpful when working through their grief so I have included a link to the cruse bereavement website in case you wanted to find out more.

    I hope this helps Paul and remember you are not alone.

    Kind regards, 

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator