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My mum died of lung cancer

Goofed43
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My mum died of lung cancer in October of this year, I miss her so much it hurts although I feel the worst is still yet to come. I cry for my mum and the pain feels unbearable at times, I think about her every minute and I think of the look on her face when she died in which she looked so scared and vulnerable and it haunts me.  I wasn't there when she died but a few hours after and I spent a short time with her but I wish I could get her face once she'd died out my memory and remember the old mum...but that seems lost.  Please may I ask anyone if this gets easier, I'm so desperately sad for my mum that she had to go through what she did and I wish I could have taken away her pain. When she first died I have to admit I was actually angry that she left me..I didn't want to be an adult orphan, but that seems to have passed, I feel like I don't have any control over what's happened or how i feel so im resigned to these feelings of guilt that she suffered and i couldn't help her and pain that shes not here and i just miss her so much and want her back.

  • Hello Goofed43,

    Thank you for posting. I hope writing has helped in some way. I'm really sorry about how you're feeling and can imagine the guilt you must feel, though I must start off by saying that none of this is anyone's fault. All these emotions are still raw and completely natural, so it's important to give yourself time and space. There is no right way to grieve for a parent, so you must process this in your own way and at your own pace. Talking to people close to you can be a big help. It may not be easy at first, but once you feel able to discuss this with loved ones you might start to understand and cope with these feelings better.

    It's difficult to say whether it gets easier, but I can guarantee that how you're feeling now won't be how you'll always feel. You can find guidance around grief on our website and the Cruse Bereavement helpline is free and available on 0808 808 1677. Cancer Chat is also here whenever you need it.

    I hope this helps and best wishes to you,

    Moderator Anastasia

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Anastasia

    Thank you so much, your reply has been so comforting, thank you for taking the time to reply to me x

  • Offline in reply to Goofed43

    Hello. My mum also died of lung cancer. It was all so quick and I just can’t get my head around it. I was with her the whole time and then decided to pop home to see my kids…..she then passed away when I left. I blamed myself so so much. You are not alone 

  • Offline in reply to J.e.m

    Just wanted to offer my condolences to both of you and wish you comfort. I'm so sorry.

  • Offline in reply to J.e.m

    So sorry for your loss, sounds like she waited to spare you, how considerate is that and proves how much she must have loved you x

  • Offline

    Hi Goofed. How are you doing now? I lost my mum too to lung cancer, so suddenly (only had 6 month with her from diagnosis) and she sadly passed on Christmas day just gone. I had a very low day today, memories - both good and bad - keep flooding in and realising that my mum has truly gone gut punches me everytime. 

    I am only 35, and I did not expect to be burying her yet. I was hoping for many more years :(

  • Offline in reply to HHTT

    Condolences, lovely. My partner lost his dad to cancer when my partner was 21. There's never a age to lose a parent but it's particularly unfair when you're younger. My partner struggles at particular anniversaries even now and he's 50. I truly am sorry. I swear a lot about cancer these days. No one seems unaffected. If it's not them then it's someone close to them. It's cruel. Offering you a massive hug x

  • Offline in reply to HHTT

    Hi, I'm so sorry for late reply your message went to my junk email. So very sorry for your loss, 6 months is no time, my mum got a diagnosis 12weeks before she passed but she'd had symptoms previous and struggled for every breath for the last year. How are you feeling? I still try to block it from my mind and it takes such energy to do because the alternative I'm just not ready to accept. In moments though I cry and think I'll never stop when I think of the enormity of what I've lost, not only was she a link to my past ,she was one of only two people that loved me unconditionally and more than themselves. I'm trying to get grief counselling at the minute but there's a long wait, but I've signed up to sue ryders grief counselling txt messages- I get a txt every so often explaining ways to feel better which are helpful maybe you could try too, gives you little exercises to do to change your way of thinking when your having a particularly bad time of it.  I hope things improve for you, it's such early days, I think to find any peace we need to find a new way of living with grief, your so young too I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to beat yourself up. I really hope you feel a bit better soon, please keep in touch if you want too, sending a big hug x

  • Offline in reply to J.e.m

    Aw sounds like she waited for you to pop out,  how kind and such a loving gesture, she must have loved you so much x

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