My mum died of lung cancer

My mum died of lung cancer in October of this year, I miss her so much it hurts although I feel the worst is still yet to come. I cry for my mum and the pain feels unbearable at times, I think about her every minute and I think of the look on her face when she died in which she looked so scared and vulnerable and it haunts me.  I wasn't there when she died but a few hours after and I spent a short time with her but I wish I could get her face once she'd died out my memory and remember the old mum...but that seems lost.  Please may I ask anyone if this gets easier, I'm so desperately sad for my mum that she had to go through what she did and I wish I could have taken away her pain. When she first died I have to admit I was actually angry that she left me..I didn't want to be an adult orphan, but that seems to have passed, I feel like I don't have any control over what's happened or how i feel so im resigned to these feelings of guilt that she suffered and i couldn't help her and pain that shes not here and i just miss her so much and want her back.

  • Hello Goofed43,

    Thank you for posting. I hope writing has helped in some way. I'm really sorry about how you're feeling and can imagine the guilt you must feel, though I must start off by saying that none of this is anyone's fault. All these emotions are still raw and completely natural, so it's important to give yourself time and space. There is no right way to grieve for a parent, so you must process this in your own way and at your own pace. Talking to people close to you can be a big help. It may not be easy at first, but once you feel able to discuss this with loved ones you might start to understand and cope with these feelings better.

    It's difficult to say whether it gets easier, but I can guarantee that how you're feeling now won't be how you'll always feel. You can find guidance around grief on our website and the Cruse Bereavement helpline is free and available on 0808 808 1677. Cancer Chat is also here whenever you need it.

    I hope this helps and best wishes to you,

    Moderator Anastasia

  • Thank you so much, your reply has been so comforting, thank you for taking the time to reply to me x