Hi LuciaM,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been finding things difficult recently. By the way you've described things, I can understand this must be incredibly tough and I know what you mean about finding it hard to speak to those around you, and others perhaps not knowing what to say.

It's good to hear that you have explored counselling. As you say, speaking to someone neutral and who is there to listen can be very helpful. Hopefully you will be able to get to speak to someone locally if you are on a waiting list.

I'm not sure if you have yet had a look at Cruse. They are an organisation supporting those experiencing grief. They have a a helpline, lots of information and resources, and also details about local support options available. I know you mention finding it difficult to speak online or over the phone, but hopefully some of this can be helpful for you.

Online forums can of course be a useful resource too, so I hope that you are finding this forum helpful. Sometimes writing things down and reaching out to others can be a help. I know there will be others here who are experiencing or have experienced something similar.

We are always here if ever you need it. Hopefully you'll also get some more replies to your post soon from other members of the forum.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello,

You are not alone and I am in the exact same position as you. I lost my dad 5 months ago to cancer, my dad died within a month of being rediagnosed and unfortunately due to how quick it spread we didn’t get any support from the hospital or team, we weren’t even told he was on end of life, and he didn’t even end up on a hospice and unfortunately died on a general ward. 

my friends are too young to experience parent loss and I feel as if they pretend it didn’t happen. As if it makes them that uncomfortable that they don’t want to even bring it up, but it’s our reality. 

I cry all the time as I can’t get my head around the fact I will never see my dad again, and also I feel like I’m waiting, I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

i also go to private counselling as a space to talk.

Hello, 

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. It sounds like his passing happened very quickly with no time to even start to come to terms with his rediagnosis. 

I completely understand what you say about your friends almost seeming to pretend it didn't happen. I feel like at our age people are very wrapped up in their lives and often don't even know how to relate to people who have suffered huge loss because they ca't even begin to fathom what it is like. I also feel like as time goes by after the loss, people stop checking in or even acknowledging that we still are grieving every day. 

It is great you are going to private counselling , I hope you are finding it helpful

I found that with people, even family members - they're not very good at handling someone else's grieving, they can say sorry for your loss but apart from that, they feel helpless. The best advice I got from here actually is to forgive people if and when they make their faux paxes during your grieving, they don't mean it, they can't help and they're usually very unqualified to deal with someone else's pain and feelings. 

Grieving is a process, your friends who talk about their parents will one day go through it themselves and it will be just as hard for them when the people who they relied on are not there anymore, very few people escape the pain of loss and grieving. 

The two ways I dealt with it - or it made it easier is that a) I am not all that long for here myself - I will be gone sooner than I think. and b) that in my case, my mum, had a good life, did the things she wanted to do and she knew I loved her and that she is still with me. I have written a post at length about this if you want to go through my posting history but though she isn't here in my physical world, she is with me mentally, spiritually, intellectually and in every other way, when I want advice, I can hear her voice advising me - many times actually and of course when I see myself in the mirror then there she is, I look a lot like her. 

I don't know if any of this helps but I hope it does and I wish you strength in this time. Take care.

Hi Katei, 

I am 33 and lost my Dad to prostate cancer in July.

I can relate to what you and LuciaM are saying. I am also the first person in my immediate friendship group to lose a parent. 
My other friends have children, I dont. There is a big part of me that struggles to come to terms with the fact they he won't see any children I might have.

During his diagnosis and his end of life journey, the only thing that was keeping me together was being strong for my Mam and Sister. Since his passing my grief is complicated - with a lot of time spent in the yearning and anger stage. There is also still a part of me that is in denial about his passing. It hurts like mad talking about him in past test, and knowing I'll never hear his voice live and kiss his forehead chokes me up. 

People say with grief you have to ride through it, no matter how tough the storm. But I'm angry that I have to ride through it, why should I? Why me? Why him? Why us?