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Mum passed away and it doesn't feel real

KennyKun89
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Hiya everyone,

I'm still trying to process everything, so sorry if I start to ramble. 

In October 2019, my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer, which spread to her liver, lungs and then her lymph nodes. In January of this year, she was given 6-9 months. After hearing that news, the thought of losing her felt so much more real. It was horrible. 

Three weeks ago, my mum's condition changed so fast and for the past week and a half, she was bed-bound. My mum passed away in her sleep on Thursday night, at aged 60. I'd been back home for only half an hour, when my sister phoned and told me that mum's breathing had gotten worse. I left mine straight away, but mum had already gone by the time I pulled-up to her house.

Since last Sunday, the only time I cried was when I sent a WhatsApp message to my mum's phone last night. Just a few house ago as well, I was about to phone her. Nothing eventful had even happened today either - I just wanted to phone her because we hadn't talked for a few days. Then the reality hit. It's heartbreaking. I don't feel like I'm grieving yet, unless I did most of my grieving when I saw how quickly she was changing. I'm pretty sure it'll be the funeral that makes me realise that we've actually lost her. As much as we're all going to miss her, I'm SO glad mum doesn't have to fight anymore. 

Loads of the posts and replies on here have helped me through the hardest parts of all of this, so thank you all so much.

  • Hi

    Welcome to the forum, so sorry that you have recently lost your mum.  I lost mine to cancer at the end of last year.  I think that in some cases, when you are dealing with a loved ones diagnosis and on going problems with progression of the illness, there is a gradual acceptance and grieving in anticipation.  I know when my mum died, she had deteriorated so quickly and was in so much pain in the end, that I was just feeling relief that she was no longer suffering.  That feeling carried me through the funeral as well, although the funeral just didnt feel real at all to me anyway.  It was only when my dad and I picked up her ashes, that it really hit me that she has gone.

    At night, I still sometimes start getting upset at how she suffered at the end (she was at home with my dad and I looking after her, the palliative care system didnt work very well in our case, and she was in more pain than she should have been!), but I just put that out of my mind and think of good memories of her and am just glad that she is now longer suffering.

    All you can do is go with whatever feelings you are feeling at a particular time, there is no right or wrong way to do it, everyones journey with grief and acceptance is individual.  Just know that your mum loved you and knew how much you loved her in return, she is now at peace.

    Take care of yourself

    A

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    Sending you strength to get through this 

    love Lara xxx 

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    Losing your Mother is the hardest thing in the world to face she's been there all of your life and now things will change but you also know she will have no more pain and suffering which will help you to accept this ,you will still have lovely memories and thoughts of her to cherish forever and you can also include her in conversation and events she would have liked ,take  one Day at a time and you'll get through this as difficult as it is ,Best Wishes Jenny .

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    Hi,

    That's the one comfort I took from my mum's death, that she wasn't in pain and suffering any more. I felt at my mum's funeral it was a big release, but then afterwards I realised that I would never see her again.  I used to text my mum every evening to say goodnight, I lived three doors away from her, I continued to text her for the first few weeks after her death too. It was a habit that was hard to break. You will find that some days go by and you are fine, then another day something will trigger and that will set you off. I have told my work colleagues that some days I will be like that, it helps me that they know.

    I hope you pain eases soon, I'm still suffering and it's 8 months since my mum died.

    xxx

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    I just recently lost my sister my friend, so if you ever want to chat, let me know. We all need support 

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    I am so sorry for your loss. Your darling Mam is no longer in pain and I think you are absolutely correct in what you say about possibly not grieving till the reality of the funeral hits you.

    We lost my Dad to bowel cancer during 2nd lockdown, in exactly the same respect only Dad was gone 6 weeks after diagnosis in our case. I still continue to process and miss him so very much.

    Here anytime x

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