Hi Betty , grief is an awful thing . Please do not beat yourself up over this . You acted on the advice of the doctors caring for your mum , which is very difficult to challenge . We take the doctors words and advice even though sometimes there are niggling doubts. Please consider contacting Maggie’s or Cruise bereavement for some support xx 

Hi LCR and thank you for your message. I got support from Cruse and did counseling as well for over a year. Both helped immensely but it feels like this guilt, anger, grief comes and goes. It was also suggested it's the traumatic experience too of seeing such cruel images and hearing these sounds that are stuck in my head, come and go without notice. I'm not sure I will ever forget or forgive those people working for the medical system that are supposed to be caring for the ill and instead they have a laugh about a date they had the night before, while changing bed sheets to a person who's dying and the whole corridor hears their despair... I could have taken control of the situation and gotten her at home. 

Hi Betty , I’m glad that you have had some support and counselling  through this awful time . It’s early days yet so allow yourself to grieve . It’s very sad that you have those memories of people caring for your mum who weren’t very respectful . Caring for someone who is dying requires compassion and understanding . I would like to make a suggestion if I may. Write your feelings down on paper , let all your anger out , then throw it away or burn it . I would still contact Cruise for a chat again . I hope that you find peace of mind soon x

Hi LCR! Thank you so much for your very kind words and understanding. I will try writing down everything and then burn it as you suggested, sounds like a good idea and I already get a feeling of relief by just thinking that I'm doing it. It feels a bit trapped somewhere. A huge thank you again LCR, you sound like a very kind, compassionate and understanding person! xx

I hear you and I get where you're coming from and I know for a fact I would feel exactly the same ,its a very traumatic thing that happened and this may take quite sometime to recover from, there is no time limit here it takes as long as it takes so don't feel you have to rush this ,the staff behaved very disrespectfully and should have known better I think anyone would agree with you there ,it sounds like a case of PTSD and I think you would definitely benefit from some extra help from very understanding caring people who may help you to come to terms with what happened ,I wish you well keep popping on here to let us know how you are we care very much x

Thank you for your message Jenny3109. It brought tears to my eyes. I feel people in this group are more understanding, non judgemental and compassionate than those around me. I keep looking for help and resources about grief and trauma, so I think I'm trying hard but it's tough and memories are memories and some don't fade out no matter how bad I want them to go and be replaced by the good ones I have with my mother. It's like a punishment from myself to myself, when I think of something pleasant with her to get a flashback of her at the hospital, the images and the sounds. I might need to specifically look for PTSD therapy. Thanks again Jenny3109. All the best to you xx

Hi Betty,

A few years ago my wife had a massive brain haemmorhage and I was irritated by the inane conversations I overheard between the nurses as I sat by what I thought was her dying bedside. I must confess that I snapped at them a few times in the wee small hours. Later, I came to realise that it was just a coping mechanism that helped them to cope with the near overwhelming feeling of tragedy that dominated their working lives.

End of life care is difficult in any circumstances but in a general hospital setting it is challenging for everyone, especially the relatives. Everyone knows that and everyone involved knows that the NHS is broken and increasingly dysfunctional. I’ve lost count of the number of reports there have been which detailed what needed to be done to improve end of life care over the last 30 years but our politicians have never delivered on their promises to implement the recommendations made in good faith by people who have looked into what’s been going wrong. The majority of hospices and hospice at home services are run by charities who are struggling to survive with little or no government support, rising demand and falling donations from a public who are struggling to make ends meet. 
Even if the consultant had tried his best to get your Mum transferred to a more suitable setting, the chances of finding a bed, or adequate support for round the clock care at home, would have been slim.

Please don’t feel guilty or angry with yourself. You did your level best but your family was badly let down by a failing system. If you must blame anyone, blame the long list of politicians who have constantly broken their promises to the electorate over the past thirty years. 


Best wishes

Dave

Hi Dave. I agree about the NHS being totally dysfunctional, the politicians being incompetent, a failing system etc. But I disagree that laughing and ignoring the person dying and their relatives, is a coping mechanism. I've been a carer for both my parents since I was a kid, knew how to give injections from high-school and everything a non professional carer does. I got to become a sensitive, empathetic, kind person I believe, and this might be related to having to care for others but also being brought up by two very kind parents too. I do blame the system, the politicians, the dysfunctional NHS but I also blame the disrespectful and insensitive nursing staff. Not everyone is for this job, if you do not genuinely love and care about people choose to do something else, your "skills" won't be missed by anyone... It's been extremely unfair first of all for my mother, a kind human being who was petrified and deserved better treatment. My father and 2 brothers, we were all there all the time and had zero help or advice on how to make our beloved person's last days even a tiny bit "easier".