I lost my mother about 1.5 year ago. Sometimes it feels very distant and some other times like it happened a week ago. I've experienced grief like waves, it comes strong and knocks me down and then it gets calmer. But whenever I bring back her last days I feel destroyed and get really angry at myself. She had been saying for years that she would hate to die in the hospital and she died in the hospital. I trusted the doctors instead of my intuition and when I asked them to take her home the week before she died, they said I would make things even worse so left her there. Her last words before losing the ability to speak was "I'm in pain, I'm suffering, help me" and that was it. You would hear a beast groaning 24 hours a day, and I had to argue with the doctors to give her some tranquillisers at least or morphine. They would reassure me it was "only" stress as if being terrified because you realise you are dying doesn't need comfort or something to keep you calm so they would not administer anything. I hate myself for listening to them and not doing what I should have done for her. I failed her and cannot turn back time.
