I have no idea why I am writing this. Perhaps it's that everything has happened so fast and I am struggling to process it all. Maybe writing it all out will help.
My partner passed away at the end of January. We weren't married and had different houses but, we were together for 22 years. The situation worked for us - we had the best life and none of the day to day arguments. No children so just us and going on holiday and having fun.
He was diagnosed at the end of November with inoperable lung cancer. The only symptom he had was being hoarse. I forced him to go to the doctor as I thought it was a throat infection. Things happened really quickly after that. As soon as we had the diagnosis I moved him in with me. I remember helping him into my house and I instinctively knew that we were already at end stage. I made him comfortable and he was happy to be with me. He slept most of the day and couldn't eat much. I was also taking him for more tests.
Around Christmas I noticed a slight change in how he was being with me and I just knew that it had progressed to his brain. A week or so later his eye lid closed in one eye and he couldn't open it. The test results were still not back at this point. The week before he died he had what I can only describe as a siezure. I brought him back waiting for the ambulance. It is amazing how you remember first aid. I remember being so calm. We got him to hospital and for the following day he was unresponsive.
He came back round and recognised me but, was seeing things and imagining people. We got the results back and he had cancer in both lungs, lymph nodes, kidney and brain. They told us there was nothing that could be done. One thing I will always be thankful for is that he didn't understand what was being said and sinply asked me if we were still going on holiday. I lied and said yes. The next day he had a massive stroke. He managed to squeeze my hand when I asked him questions but, a few hours later there was nothing. I slept beside him at the hospital until he passed away.
This all happened so quickly. In a way I am glad for his sake - he didn't know it was the end and for that I will always be grateful. He also wasn't in any pain which I don't understand. I have looked back at messages and thought over everything and I can't think of a single warning sign. I feel guilty that I have missed something. By the time we found out I felt like I was chasing an out of control train. I couldn't stop it. He was 51.
His father passed away 3 years ago however, his mother is still alive. She is in a care home with Alziemers which is advanced. I didn't tell her about the death of her only child because I don't want to take the risk of her living in a hell for the rest of her life. I feel so guilty lying to her but, I can see no benefit in her knowing. I am in the process of applying for guardianship to look after her.
I am also the executor of his estate as well as the main beneficiary. He has left me well looked after and this is the thing I feel most guilty about. I have money but, the cost was too much.
As I said I am not sure why I am writing this. I am struggling, I have so much to do but, have trouble getting the energy to do anything. I miss him and I feel guilty about not being able to help and also for lying to him and telling him he would be okay (when I knew he wouldn't be).
I have no idea what my life should be now. We had so many plans and now there is nothing.
If you have managed to read this then thank you. I just needed to get things off my chest. I have also been very independant and I can't share how I am feeling with people face to face so hopefully this can help me.
