Hi KatieC950,

I'm sorry to hear about your partner and want to send my condolences on behalf of everyone on Cancer Chat. I can understand how much this would take toll on you, not only are you coping with grief, but there's a lot work you're doing to support his family. I do hope writing this post has helped in some way. Please be afraid to reach out to people you can trust. 

The Cruse breavement helpline is 0808 808 1677, if you'd like to have a confidential conversation and the forum is also here for you whenever you need it.

Best wishes,

Moderator Anastasia

Hi Katiec950,

I'm very sorry for your loss. 

I haven't lost a partner but I lost my lovely dad in November 2022, 8 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. My Dad had throat cancer in 2020, doctors were doing three monthly checks and giving him the all clear. Doctors  told us the only thing to look out for with reoccurance was throat pain.

In April last year my dad developed back pain. Dad saw a GP, physio and chiropractor and was told it was just age (70). When it didn't go away I asked him to get a private scan and in September we found out it was metestatic cancer. My dad deteriorated rapidly after this and ended up confused, he passed away 8 weeks later. 

I can't offer any advice with the loss of a partner but I wanted to reach out to say that sometimes there sadly are no warning signs for advanced cancer. I have an extended family member who's mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with lung cancer in January and passed away two weeks ago. It's very traumatic to lose a loved one so quickly and unexpectedly. 

I have struggled with feelings of guilt since my dad passed away. I feel guilty that I didn't know my dad was ill and that I couldn't save him, but doctors didn't even know. I took care of my dad and I know he felt safe and trusted me and that brings me some comfort. 

I hope someone else will be along to offer some insight. 

Xx

Thank you both.

Lulu I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. Is really is devastating. Thank you for sharing about advanced cancer and lack of symptoms, I keep going over everything in my mind and feel guilty so that has helped thanks

Hi Katie,

I am so sorry to read your post, the loss of you very loved partner and everything you have been through. My Mum also passed of incureable lung cancer (diagnosed February and passed away in May 2022). I think the awful thing about Lung cancer (and many other types of cancers) there is often little symptoms and many symptoms can be passed off as something else, once it is diagnosed it is often too late. 

My Mum had a lung biopsy in 2017 on her left lung, it was fine so despite seeing many nodules on her right (which they didn't biopsy) they stopped all future CT Scans and said come back if you notice anything. Here lies my guilt. I didn't persist for CT scans. I should have persisted they do at least one a year for my Mum then they would have noticed the cancer growing in her right lung and something could have be done in time. I should have persisted they biopsy the right lung too. I have guilt, so many regrets so I understand your guilt at having possibly 'missed something.' I think we possibly put too much on our shoulders. Its easy in hindsight to say 'if only'. The fact is I have learnt vital lessons for the future regarding my health and that of anyone I care about. I just wish I had pushed more for my Mum. I did the last few years with her kidney cancer but it wasn't enough for her lung diagnosis. We cared and loved them though and cared for them when they needed us.

I understand your feelings about mentioning they would be ok when you knew your partner would not be. On the day my Mum passed away her oxygen was dropping fast and she asked me if she were dying, she saw me transfixed at the machine showing her oxygen levels and I lied. I told her 'no' she wasn't dying. I actually at this stage still thought she would pull through but also I wasn't going to ever tell her she was actually 'dying' because I didn't want to scare her, I didn't want her final hours to be scared. I wanted to protect her from all of it. We do this to protect our loved ones, you protected your partner and I think you have nothing to feel guilty for. 

Your grief is in such early stages. All of last year I was numb and in disbelief. I lost both my parents within 6 months of one another. My Mum lived with my partner and I and she was my whole world. I also do not have children and my parents were my whole family and now they are gone. The grief and reality is only just hitting me now. Please be kind to yourself. I realise now how traumatic these experiences we go through are and we really need to self-care afterwards over time. 

I feel grief of a loved one never 'goes away'. We will always miss them and feel immense heartbreak but I am hoping in time I will also find light in the darkness, some joy and happiness again. I wish this for you too in the future. We have to somehow slowly pick up the pieces and make a life for ourselves without them physically here with us. I feel I need to do this as much for me but also my parents too. Life is so precious. You have a lot of soul searching to go through and grief is a hard journey but I do believe in time we walk alongside the grief and learn to live a little again, not in the same way as before, everything has changed, we have changed but we have to forge a new life. Always here if you need to talk. Take good care. 

CJ x 

Hi CJ

Thanks so much for your reply. It helps to know that what I am feeling is 'normal'.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and dad. That must be so difficult for you.

I know what you mean about being numb. I still can't actually believe it. I'm scared at the thought of a new life but, I'm just trying to take everything one moment at a time.

Take care xx

I am so sorry for your loss and very moved by you writing your most personal memories , I can relate to you feeling why didn't you notice your partner had cancer , I feel exactly the same I was celebrating New Year's Eve had a day out on New Years Day and the next day my husband started with sickness , he thought he had food poisoning but after three weeks trying to get help after a trip to AE he was eventually diagnosed with gastric cancer , he didn't want to know the timeline of his particular cancer and was just hoping the chemo would be a miracle , I am like you thinking did I not notice anything different but I can honestly say he looked well and that's what has been the biggest shock , he lasted 12 weeks and he just deteriorated 2 days before ge died , I think what you have done has been brave and gave him hope in his last hours and don't feel guilty for that as if he passes thinking about a holiday that would have been a more peaceful passing , I was fortunate to be with my husband when he died and he just went to sleep . It's courages not  to tell his mum as it would cause her anxious and with her illness she may not cope , I also feel low and lost and it's true grief is love with no where to go