Hi EliseIris,

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. 

I lost my Father four and a half months ago and its the most traumatic and life altering experience I've ever been through. 

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020, he had surgeries and treatment and we thought he would be cured. We found out in September last year that the cancer had returned and sadly it had spread. We lost dad only two months later. 

My dad deteriorated rapidly after diagnosis, he went from being fit and active to being unable to walk or do things independently. As soon as we found out I moved in with my parents to provide care and support. The 8 weeks we had with dad after diagnosis was incredibly difficult. Dad ended up confused and agitated and he had to go to hospital which he hated. Initially I tried to work from home but it wasn't possible so I took a break from work. This period was incredibly stressful and I am plagued by thoughts that I was at times frustrated when dad wouldn't listen and sit down ( he was unsteady on his feet). 

At first doctors thought it was a new cancer as dad's original cancer (throat) was curable and apparently didn't spread like it had in dad's case. I spent a lot of time researching what might help and hoping he could be treated. I feel guilty for this as it was time I could have spent being more present rather than looking for things that could help on my phone. 

I was told on a Thursday that the cancer was the original one and dad went into hospice on a Friday. Dad passed away 4 days later and we were all with him when he passed away. 

We are a close family (dad, mum,my brother and I) but dad and I have such a special bond. My dad is my everything and losing him still feels unbearable nearly 5 months on. The way I can describe the loss of my dad and the grief is like a constant heaviness and sadness that I carry around. It's always there but some days or weeks the pain is like a sledgehammer and it feels like there is no escape. 

I understand what you say about it feeling worse a few months on which in itself is disorientating as I think we all hope it will hurt less not more. I feel completely lost without my dad, he understood me better than anyone and he is my favourite person in the world. We saw each other everyday and the void that's been left will never be filled. 

I have been able to take a break from work thankfully but I have been keeping myself busy which does help. I try to honour my dad by looking after my mum and by keeping moving like he told me but it's very difficult. 

I am speaking with a councellor who has said even at nearly 5 months my loss is very raw. People apparently learn to adapt although this doesn't seem possible right now. 

I'm sorry if my post is all over the place. It's very difficult to try and summarise everything that happened but I relate to your post and I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

Sending hugs

Xx

Hi Lulu

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me and I am sorry to hear about your Dad and that things are still painful for you. 

I would guess people say to you "Your Dad wouldn't want you be sad" etc but doesn't help does it. Like you my Dad seemed to be the only one in this world who really understood me or had the patience for me (I suffer with extreme anxiety at times and talk over the same thing over and over until it drives people mad). It is exactly as you say like a sledgehammer some days and I've had three days this week where I barely want to get out of bed.

We have had to clear his home as it's housing association and we've kept a lot of personal items of his. But the charity shop have been very rude about taking the of last of his things and this has been quite upsetting for me, his books, kitchen stuff, shoes and last pairs of jeans etc. Seeing them poor stuff out on the floor and rifle through it without much of a thank you really got to me, I should have walked out with it but am in quite an emotional state to fight such things.

I've had two months off work already, one to care for him and one following his passing. Like you I tried to work at home but it was impossible so I stopped. I was due to go back when he went into the hospice but I called and said no and I am glad I did that now. I'm now going in next week but if it doesn't feel ok I'm walking out, some things are more important.

Guess we have to try to keep going day by day as they say but I cry everyday right now.

Hi EliseIris,

Thank you. Yes, people often say that my dad wouldn't want me to be sad and to think of the good times but it's easier said than done. I know that my dad wouldn't want me to be sad but it is also unrealistic to expect that someone can just choose to not to be sad. I have found my grief to be quite isolating and feel that people now expect that I should be back to normal, but nothing feels normal. 

It sounds like you had a really special relationship with your dad. I loved the conversations that I had with my dad, we could talk about anything and its difficult to think that I'll never have that again. Day or night he was always at the end of the phone and it feels really scary to lose my support person and the person who would do anything for me (even though I am an adult). 

It must have been incredibly difficult clearing out your dad's home and belongings. I can understand why you would find the charity shops behaviour upsetting. After losing dad any of his possessions or notes that he had written took on a whole new level of importance. People can be quite insensitive and when in a heightened state of sadness and stress it makes things feel more difficult. 

I hope work goes ok for you next week.

Xx

Hi Lulu

Hope you're doing okay today? Work has been a distraction but then a certain song comes up on the radio or family in conversation and things are incredibly hard again.

I too loved the conversations I had with my Dad, not only a great support but a great wit and wisdom. I was reading over your previous comment also about how you regret getting frustrated in those last months and I too regret some of our interactions but have been trying to remind myself that it is all the love and memories over a lifetime that really count, these months are just a snippet of time within our lives with them. My Dad once said to me "All that love wont go anywhere just because I'm not here" and he was right. I am trying to remember this but it's not easy. Sometimes I almost feel guilty if I have a happier moment or manage to laugh at something, like how dare I , I know he wouldn't want that for me but the brain is cruel like that.   

There was one night in the hospital where he held my hand and tried to talk to me and then he fell asleep and I wanted to talk to him too that night but lost the words. He lost his voice shortly after that and I missed my chance, but I know he loved me as he said it all the time and I said it to him a lot too so I guess that's the most important thing. I was also exhausted when caring from him that in the last month I was also asleep at times when I'd like to have spent more time with him, (he was often awake at very early times of the morning and I struggled with burnout)  

It sounds like your relationship was a strong one. A bit of frustration here and there wouldn't change that.

Big hugs to you 

Hi EliseIris,

I'm doing ok, thank you. I hope you are too. I'm glad that work is proving to be a distraction. I understand about songs or certain topics causing sadness. One of the things that I find quite disorienting about grief is the unpredictability of it. One minute I can be coping ok and then something triggers a memory and I can be in floods of tears. 

I agree about the time when Dad was ill just being a snippet and that it's the years of happy memories and love that counts. My dad deteriorated so quickly that we didn't really get any support from services until it was too late. It was very stressful as I was  trying to work from home but dad needed care and my mum couldn't do it alone. Dad went into hospital in the October and I was having to finish work early at random times as I needed to speak to doctors at the hospital. This caused a huge amount of stress as my priority was my dad but I also take my job seriously and was being pulled in all directions. I think this caused some frustrations as I felt I wasn't doing anything well. Nothing bad happened but with hindsight I wish it wasn't as chaotic but that's not how life and illness is. Work were supportive and when I took a break I could completley focus on my dad. I did get to spend a lot of time cuddling my dad, talking and sitting with him and I know that he trusted me to look after him and he felt safe which gives me some peace. 

Your dad is right about the love not going away. My dad told me that love transcends and never dies, he will always be my dad and I will always be his daughter. My dad also told me that I mustn't be sad and i need to accept the natural process of life. My brain is kind of the opposite as when I'm sad I feel like I'm letting my dad down and then I feel guilty. I know my dad would hate me to be sad but it's unrealistic to think that I can just carry on as normal after such a profound loss.

It is evident that you have a very special bond with your dad. I think if you have had that close relationship consistently then sometimes there isn't anything else that needs to be said. I couldn't have spent anymore time with my mum and dad and when people say it's the chance to say all of the things you haven't said, there was nothing I could think of, as like you said, we knew how much we loved each other. 

I hope you are ok. If you ever want to chat I am here. 

Xx

Hi Lulu

Thank you, I am also here too perhaps we can help each other through this.

Your last paragraph bought me some comfort, we were very close and have a lifetime of i loves yous, laughs and thoughts. I sincerely hope he knew, but sometimes its nice to say these things and clarify just cause its good to hear them and still wish i had. But I have been thinking today and there were some good things in the last weeks.When we spoke about my fiance being a good man I told my Dad i'd grown up with a good example of what a man should be.  He always thanked me for my help when i left his place and said i'd been amazing and i told him he was amazing and that I loved him.

I think he was trying to console me that day that he held my hand, that he was ok as he had said how much fun he had had and good memories he was taking, thats true love for like no other, that he would try to console me on his death bed and not the other way around.

You are not letting him down in being sad, he would understand i am sure of that.

Take care

xx

Hi Noodles

Thank you and i am sorry for your loss. Nothing can prepare you for it you are right, even if you know its coming it still hits you like a tonne of bricks. 

If he was anything like my Dad he approved of all of my decisions (near enough) so long as they made me happy, thats all he wanted for me and I think of all Dad's.

Love to you

xx

I'm.sorry to hear that you lost your Dad, I lost mine two days ago and never got to say I loved him. The love I have for him is breaking my heart in two. I just can't believe he is gone. I suspect we are in the same place emotionally as I feel guilt that I dropped him back at hospital after being told he had 8 weeks to live when in reality he lived for a further 16 days. I wish I'd brought him home with me and looked after him. Even though he went downhill rapidly. I guess we just have to live a new life without them but I don't know how to cope. 

Hi Chapman

I am sorry to hear of your loss too, the world is cruel in taking away our lovely Dads. You were not to know it would be 16 days as you trusted the doctors as we all do and quite rightly would have thought the hospital was the best place for him and I'm sure he would understand that.

After a two year fight I thought we had months left for my Dad when he passed on but in reality had about 6 weeks from his final assessment. I think he'd been feeling bad for a while but kept the extent of how much from us as a family and I wish I'd paid more attention so a care package or more drugs could have been put in sooner. Caring at home for him was really hard and if he went it to a hospice sooner perhaps I would not have been so tired and could think more clearly to speak to him. I will never know but I did honor what he wanted which was to stay at home as long as he could so I hope he appreciated that and I do try to remember that. I have spoken with two grief counsellors this week but found them a bit rubbish and that I I wasn't taken seriously, I think unless someone invents a time machine I'm always going to feel some regrets for my poor Dad. Hopefully they fade in time.