Lost my Dad and struggling

I lost my amazing Dad a month ago and I am really struggling. I just would love to have one more conversation and hug with him, just to tell him how much I love him and what a good Dad he was to me.

After two years of being ok he declined quickly and I cared for him at home for about a month before he went into a hospice where he died a week later. I question the level of care I provided to him in those weeks and if I was patient enough, I question what I said in the last days at the hospice and if this might have unintentionally upset him. I question if anything else could have been done for him that we misssd. The last days were traumatic with him losing the ability to talk (which I wasn't warned about) be agitated but then sleep more and be unconscious a lot of the time. But as he slipped away I held his hand and told him I loved him and that I'll always love him as his breathing gradually stopped. 

He was very brave and never complained even times when I heard him so frightened in the night that he cried. He never wanted to upset or scare me. He was always my confidant, giver of best hugs and general fixer of everything, practically and emotionally. I always felt secure and loved around him like going to his house and shutting the door on there world to its ok I'm safe I'm with my Dad now (wish I'd told him this but I guess with always asking him things that he knew I appreciated his help, I hope). We as a family say I love you a lot something I'm so glad of now.

I don't know how to carry on now, the pain seems to be getting worse rather than better, as in the weeks straight after the death I seem to have coped more. I am expected back at work soon and I don't know how I'm going to find the motivation to do my job which I never liked much anyway.

Thank you for reading

 

Parents
  • I'm.sorry to hear that you lost your Dad, I lost mine two days ago and never got to say I loved him. The love I have for him is breaking my heart in two. I just can't believe he is gone. I suspect we are in the same place emotionally as I feel guilt that I dropped him back at hospital after being told he had 8 weeks to live when in reality he lived for a further 16 days. I wish I'd brought him home with me and looked after him. Even though he went downhill rapidly. I guess we just have to live a new life without them but I don't know how to cope. 

Reply
  • I'm.sorry to hear that you lost your Dad, I lost mine two days ago and never got to say I loved him. The love I have for him is breaking my heart in two. I just can't believe he is gone. I suspect we are in the same place emotionally as I feel guilt that I dropped him back at hospital after being told he had 8 weeks to live when in reality he lived for a further 16 days. I wish I'd brought him home with me and looked after him. Even though he went downhill rapidly. I guess we just have to live a new life without them but I don't know how to cope. 

Children
  • Hi Chapman

    I am sorry to hear of your loss too, the world is cruel in taking away our lovely Dads. You were not to know it would be 16 days as you trusted the doctors as we all do and quite rightly would have thought the hospital was the best place for him and I'm sure he would understand that.

    After a two year fight I thought we had months left for my Dad when he passed on but in reality had about 6 weeks from his final assessment. I think he'd been feeling bad for a while but kept the extent of how much from us as a family and I wish I'd paid more attention so a care package or more drugs could have been put in sooner. Caring at home for him was really hard and if he went it to a hospice sooner perhaps I would not have been so tired and could think more clearly to speak to him. I will never know but I did honor what he wanted which was to stay at home as long as he could so I hope he appreciated that and I do try to remember that. I have spoken with two grief counsellors this week but found them a bit rubbish and that I I wasn't taken seriously, I think unless someone invents a time machine I'm always going to feel some regrets for my poor Dad. Hopefully they fade in time.