I lost my amazing Dad a month ago and I am really struggling. I just would love to have one more conversation and hug with him, just to tell him how much I love him and what a good Dad he was to me.
After two years of being ok he declined quickly and I cared for him at home for about a month before he went into a hospice where he died a week later. I question the level of care I provided to him in those weeks and if I was patient enough, I question what I said in the last days at the hospice and if this might have unintentionally upset him. I question if anything else could have been done for him that we misssd. The last days were traumatic with him losing the ability to talk (which I wasn't warned about) be agitated but then sleep more and be unconscious a lot of the time. But as he slipped away I held his hand and told him I loved him and that I'll always love him as his breathing gradually stopped.
He was very brave and never complained even times when I heard him so frightened in the night that he cried. He never wanted to upset or scare me. He was always my confidant, giver of best hugs and general fixer of everything, practically and emotionally. I always felt secure and loved around him like going to his house and shutting the door on there world to its ok I'm safe I'm with my Dad now (wish I'd told him this but I guess with always asking him things that he knew I appreciated his help, I hope). We as a family say I love you a lot something I'm so glad of now.
I don't know how to carry on now, the pain seems to be getting worse rather than better, as in the weeks straight after the death I seem to have coped more. I am expected back at work soon and I don't know how I'm going to find the motivation to do my job which I never liked much anyway.
Thank you for reading
