I know you don't really blame your dad, and you're just feeling lost and hurt as most people would. But As someone who has been in your dad's position, I can see why you're saying what you are about him. But something i learned after my wife's first few hospital visits during chemo, no adult can make another adult do anything they don't want to do.

My wife ended up in hospital after each and every chemo due to sky high temps. We both knew those visits would ensue after the 3rd chemo. Her body just reacted to the chemo weirdly. She always got a raging temp. However, towards the end of the chemo, it got harder and harder to get her to go to hospital. When you're feeling like death, the last thing you want to do is get out your bed, but i had to get her out. Even getting her to call the cancer helpline was a task in itself.  In fact, she readily admits she didn't ever want to tell me because I'd force her after a lot of nagging to get in. Even though none of those high temps were ever an infection, it would have just taken one of them to have been an infection. Towards the end, I actually dreaded the post chemo temp spike. Like really dreaded it because my wife began getting a touch hostile towards me telling her to get her *** into hospital. So if your mum was even more stubborn than my wife, your dad couldn't have changed anything.

I hear what you are saying and I know you are right, but right now the pain of losing mum is too much. All I keep thinking if only they went to hospital sooner, she would be here. If she had passed away becasue the treament didnt work and nothing else could be done for her, I would somehow understand. But they even didnt call her hospital to dicuss the fever and just left it. When I arrived Dad kept saying but she was fine on Thursday, all was good, and she didnt want to go in on Friday monring... I wanted to hit him but instead hugged him as I know he is in pain. 

Hello MartinaLi

I'm so very sorry to hear that your Mum passed away suddenly just a few short weeks ago. Undoubtedly this is an incredibly difficult time for you at the moment and I can hear in your post that you're struggling. 

Grief is a natural process but it can be overwhelming. The wide range of ever-changing emotions that you can experience can leave us exhausted and at a loss of how to cope with things so I'm glad that you've reached out for some support here on the forum. You can read more on our website about coping with grief. 

I know that many of our members here will understand the emotional rollercoaster that you're experiencing at the moment. The two things that can help most are time and support. So with that in mind I wanted to suggest that you might find it helpful to look at arranging some bereavement support. There may be charities local to you that are able to offer this but I also wanted to give you the link to an organisation called Cruse which offers a variety of bereavement support services. 

I also wanted to remind you that the Samaritans are there to lend a listening ear 24/7 365 days a year so when things feel difficult Martina or you're struggling with thoughts about not continuing with life, reach out to them for support. You can also chat with your GP about how you're feeling. 

Three weeks can seem like an eternity but it is still very early days in your journey with grief. Please talk to your husband about how you're feeling. Lean on friends and those around you for support. Be kind to yourself on difficult days. 

If it helps to have a safe space to write down your thoughts and feelings then keep in touch with us here on the forum or through the Sue Ryder bereavement support forum. 

You're not alone Martina. 

Thinking of you at this difficult time
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Hi MartinaLi

I am so very sorry for your loss... I have very similar thoughts to you. I lost my mother over a year ago and although time has made the pain a bit more bearable, there's a lot of it still here...

My feelings when I lost her were the same as yours, a lot of anger, guilt, blaming the doctors, my brothers, my father, my mother, myself! Why my dad didn't take her to hospital sooner, why she left it until the last minute and didn't look after herself more, why I wasn't there the morning she died, why the doctors and nurses didn't try harder and seemed to be indifferent towards a dying person etc...

I believe it is very common when you're in so much pain to feel like that. To believe that you could have saved her and maybe yes, you or your father or your mother or the doctor could have done something to keep her alive for what, another day? Week? I think my mother was very very very tired from all the chemo, hospital visits and all that. Maybe your mother was too! Maybe they wanted this to end, to be finally in peace. It is what it is. It is still very fresh for you. I've found some comfort in therapy and I'm starting to remember all those happy times I had with her! They will start to come back for you too. Your mother gave a long fight and I cannot even imagine the exhaustion she must have been feeling from all those operations, rounds of chemo, hospital visits. My mother too. I miss her badly but I think she wanted to leave... 

Hi MartinaLi,

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's completely normal to feel angry with the world after such a sudden and unexpected loss. I lost my dad when he was 50 and for a long time after had huge feelings of guilt that if I'd only gone to visit him I could have saved him despite knowing nothing would have saved him. It took me a long time to come to terms with his death as less than a year after he died my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer having thought she'd beaten her breast cancer 5 years before, and she then died 3 years later. It's so difficult to process such a sudden shift of "mum's having treatment and is stable" to "mum's dying" so quickly. My mum was very well for all but the last 3 weeks of her life, she was on a walking holiday a week before she was told she only had 2 weeks to live, and died 3 weeks later, so although I was extremely lucky that I had that time to be with her it still felt so cruel that it was so quick. Sadly my mum never got to meet her grandchildren either, but we keep her memory alive and all 6 of her grandchildren talk about Grandma Glenys. 

I hope you get some support to help you deal with your grief and try to remember that what you're feeling is normal and things will gradually get easier.

Thank you for your kind words. Indeed, my mum endured a lot and the chemos were making her tired. But she was a fighter, she knew that her prognosis was good and it was driving her, she was always full of smiles regardless of anything. 

I questioned my dad again, I know that I have to stop but not being there, it tortures me that I don't know what happened and I could not help her. Her fever was 37.2/37.3C on Wednesday, just below the recommended 37.5/38 when you are supposed to call the helpline, and it was gone the next morning. I sort of understand why they were not worried and did not pay attention, I know they just seriously underestimated the situation and never expected this would be the outcome. But she was a bit under the weather and they should have acted faster, not to wait until Friday evening. The idea, that if they went to hospital sooner and they could have saved her, is just killing me. My mum loved life and I was always amazed how she was so happy and excited about small things. She came from a very modest background and she was grateful for so little, I dont think I can actually describe it. And now, when I am in position to repay her for everything, she dies of something that could have been prevented at such a young age. Life is pretty cruel to many kind people. 

Thank you. I am trying to get some professional help and everyone has been supportive. 

People keep telling me that this was better for her, I dont understand, her prognosis was good, think my mum would have loved to have more years with her family than this fast exit. And the trauma of this on all of us, all we were hearing from her oncologist were good news, we never had the chat - this is terminal, we cannot help/treat her, we need to prepare for the worst. I know that even if we had a few more weeks with her, after a bad diagnosis, the pain would not be any less overall. But right now, it feels as if she was murdered, not by anyone but the impact is the same. And the guilt I am feeling is eating me alive. As we believed she had many years ahead, we didnt spend Christmas with them this year, we spent it with my husband's parents instead and went skiing after. I told her that I will see her early Feb, after I finish a work project in Jan. My head just cannot come around it, all she was to have a few chemo sessions and suddenly she is no longer. And I didnt call more often that week to check on her, left if for the weekend, and now I can never tell her how much I love her.. 

Hi Betty, 

Thank you for coming back to me. Not sure if I am better, I got some pills from my GP which keep me sort of sane. I continue to miss my mum so much, but mainly it is the regret that she lost her life so early. 66 is not the age to go. And the way that was done.... beating cancer and then she passes away from bacteria... I  have an endless loop in my head of how close she was to saving if they went to hospital faster.... it is like a self torture but it doesnt want to go away. All I see is her smile. 

I promised to take her on holiday after she finishes chemo, a little treat for being so brave. The chemo would actually be nearly over now, I should be planning a holiday with her and not be going through this. The thought of it is just slowly killing me inside. 

Oh I wish I could give you a very warm hug just now. My mother passed away from bacteria too, her blood pressure was so low that when both my mother and father decided to go to the hospital her pressure was that of a dead person's. And believe me, I had been insisting for a week but she hated hospitals after 30 years of being in and out so I kind of understand it.

I really don't know how to help you feel better. Our stories have so many similarities but I understand your mother's very sudden death from one day to the other is harsh. But it's also harsh to see someone not giving up for days and the medical staff chatting above her head about their dinner the night before.

I was also on medication and tranquillisers to help me sleep and the first year was real hell, torture as you described. I also promised her a nice holiday to Switzerland and she never got to travel abroad... 

I really feel for you MartinaLi and I wish I could say something to make your pain more manageable but this is a process you'll have to go through yourself. What I learnt is that when you reach deep deep down bottom and you see no light, this is the time when you push the ground so hard to get up again. 

It'll take time. I'm still in that darkness but now there's some light ahead.