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Lost my dad 22/1/23

Baloozie
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I am broken... Thankfully i have brothers and sisters to lean on, but i really need my dad... My dad was diagnosed with nasalphaynx cancer just before new year after being rushed to hospital early hours of xmas day with a nose bleed. We visited every single day, bought him anything he needed. And Spent all visiting hours with him. He loved us all so dearly. His wish was to be brought home so if he did pass, he would pass in his home as he was terrified of dying alone. We managed this.. every day since xmas day when he got put in hospital i have cried.. every memory, every photo every smell i cry... But 2 days ago i woke up and I cant cry anymore. I don't feel the same heartache when i see his photos. I still feel pain but not the gut wrenching struggling to breathe or see through the tears pain. Like i did before. I am struggling to remember my dad, his voice mainly.. and I don't know why my mindset literally changed over night i want to cry i can feel it but for whatever reason i just cant. I am so scared i am forgetting him already and we havent even had his funeral yet. I have a thousand thoughts through my head at once i feel guilt, pain, shame, anger , sad all at. Once what's wrong with me why cant i cry anymore why am i forgetting already ️

Parents
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    Hi Baloozie,

     

    im so sorry to hear of your Dads passing. I lost my Dad suddenly in 2021, it still sometimes doesn't feel real and will always feel traumatic and truly life changing.

    it's still very early days. Take what you need, and do what you can and try not to stress on the rest. Emotions will be like a rollercoaster, try not to read into these things too much, you'll just go through the grieving process in the way you need tools but I know as a parent myself, all I want is for my children to be happy and do what is right for them, but not to forget me and hope that I've taught them well enough to be okay without me. It won't bring me back, and despite all my longing for my Dad; it won't bring him back either. But in time, while there will always be sadness (a mark of our strong bond), the love surpasses it somehow.

    I always end up thinking, what an amazing Dad we must have had for him to have left such a mark on us xx

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    Hi Baloozie,

     

    im so sorry to hear of your Dads passing. I lost my Dad suddenly in 2021, it still sometimes doesn't feel real and will always feel traumatic and truly life changing.

    it's still very early days. Take what you need, and do what you can and try not to stress on the rest. Emotions will be like a rollercoaster, try not to read into these things too much, you'll just go through the grieving process in the way you need tools but I know as a parent myself, all I want is for my children to be happy and do what is right for them, but not to forget me and hope that I've taught them well enough to be okay without me. It won't bring me back, and despite all my longing for my Dad; it won't bring him back either. But in time, while there will always be sadness (a mark of our strong bond), the love surpasses it somehow.

    I always end up thinking, what an amazing Dad we must have had for him to have left such a mark on us xx

Children
  • Offline in reply to Springywinnie

    Thank you for your reply i feel like i am loosing myself. I haven't lost anyone close to be ever, every family member who has passed, has passed whilst i was young. So don't remember them. I feel so traumatised that the first person i lose is my dad. He was literally at my house every day i have a son who idolised him and i have all these horrible thoughts of what if he ever goes through that with me. He doesn't have a any brothers or sisters to lean on. (Having more kids isn't an option) i feel so helpless for the future.

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