I'm so sorry for your loss! Not cancer related but I suddenly lost my mum in December 2021 and I had also just turned 30. There is no pain like it. It sounds as if you had a similar relationship to ours. We were inseparable. The best of friends! I am still broken to this day but I have got by as I have a 4 year old who gets me through every day. I completely understand how you feel and I'm exactly the same. It still hasn't got any better for me at all, I can't comprehend how my fit and healthy 56 year old mother is no longer here to see my daughter grow up which is all that she looked forward to! You will realise that you will love through your children, they will keep you sane and you will take each day as it comes. Please be kind to yourself! If you need to vent I'm here to listen xx

I'm so sorry you went through something similar with your mum and so suddenly too. I feel exactly the same as you, like my kids have been cheated from having her around during their lives. I'm so sorry for them and nothing I can do will make it better. None of my friends have lost one parent let alone two, so I feel like no one can relate this around me.  I just find each hour right now so impossible, I can only get through it if I just try and think of something else. But in the end I end up looking at photos and videos of her and it breaks me over and over again xx

Hello mp4691, 

First of all, I wanted to send my sincere condolences on behalf of the Cancer Chat team. We're thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. What you went through was truly traumatic and it's normal that you are reliving all this and that you can't get those images out of your mind. It's all still so raw as it all just happened early this morning. You must be feeling exhausted too. 

You did well to call Samaritans and if you feel you want to talk to them again don't hesitate to reach out to them at any time of day or night on 116 123. I hope you manage to get a little bit of rest tonight and that you have the support of those you love around you. As NG91 said, focusing on your precious little ones  who are only 3 and 1 and very much need their mummy will help you get through every day, taking one day at a time. I imagine you are very busy with such young children and your strategy of trying to think of something else is a good one even though it is difficult for you at the moment to think of anything else. 

I thought I would also share with you our page on Coping with Grief which will help you understand the intensity of what you are currently experiencing and some of the emotions you might feel. This is something so many of our members will be able to relate to and I hope that you will get to talk to others here who have been in your position before and that they will share their story and tell you how they managed to get through each day. 

Keep strong mp4691 I know it's really hard at the moment but I wanted you to know that we are here. You have been through so much in the last few hours that it must be difficult not to feel overwhelmed with sadness. If you feel really low still on Monday, make sure you talk to your GP about it - I am sure they will have some good suggestions for you to help you get through the coming days. 

We're thinking of you during this difficult time - it does help to put your thoughts down on here so I wanted you know that we are here to listen and that so many members of our community will understand what you are going through at the moment. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you so much Jane, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear what you said. And I'm so sorry that you've suffered so much loss within a short space of time last year.

My mum never gave me instructions on funerals or wishes, she just said do what is easiest for you. My family and her friends obviously want to do the traditional funeral service and religious blessings but thank you for saying that it's ok for me not to go to her funeral. I'm feeling the judgmental pressure to show my face and ' be there for her' but the truth is I have been there 24/7 for months/years so I feel no guilt. But I need to protect myself as i know in my heart it would be the breaking point for my suicidal thoughts.

Everything you said about your relationship with your mum sounds like my life before. My dad passed away when I was 4 and she just carried on. Even after I got married, she was the first person I told about anything in my life, whether that was a pregnancy, new job, loss etc. My husband was always second in that respect (and he knew it). But he loved my mum so much that he also understood why. My mum too felt like my soulmate in that respect, we were just destined to be together in life.

I also found out 3 weeks ago when I was organising her finances that I'm adopted. And to be honest, I felt no different and still don't. It's just almost too much to process now in one go. I hate the fact that I'm young and have to suffer years and years of a 'life' without her, I almost wish I could fast forward to the end already. Just surviving for others seems like an impossible task, I just don't see the point. What's worse is that I know she probably felt like this when my dad passed away and had the strength to continue but she was a different breed of person, so incredibly strong - nothing like me at all. And you're right, if she was standing in front of me now she would tell me to keep going, I have responsibilities to others and I need to live for them. But I don't actually know how to live at 30 without any parents, I feel rudderless. How can I raise my own children when I feel like I still haven't fully grown up myself and needed my mum to teach me things. This is why I keep thinking they are better off without me rather than watching an absent broken mother try to survive each day.

No one around me day to day has gone through this or understands, it's probably why I am so bitter and jealous and feel that I've been dealt a really rubbish hand in life so far. Everything still feels like a dream. I woke up this morning to go and see her as normal but realised I couldn't. And I felt physically broken. 
 

I did reach out to Cruse and Sue Ryder too for the one to one counselling. I'm glad to hear it has helped you so far in your journey. It is reassuring to hear that you felt like you couldn't carry on living but are still here, it certainly has given me hope. I think I need to go to the gp tomorrow as I find myself spiralling at times and it is scary.

 Thank you for responding, it has helped more than you know xx

I'm so glad my words have helped a bit, even if they help 1% thats is something. To be honest I think you are being too hard on yourself, you say your Mum was a different breed of person to you, she was incredibly strong - nothing like you. You have cared and supported your mum for '24/7 for months/years' (in your words) and at the end of her life you were with her, that in itself shows how incredibly strong you are. It takes courage to care for someone you love through illness/cancer and everything negative that brings to their life and yours. Your Mum thought the world of you, you both had the type of mother/daughter bond that many don't and will never experience and she would never want you to leave your own children so they are without a Mum too. I can't say its going to get easier right now but I can say from someone that absolutely knows your pain that we can somehow survive carrying this love and grief for our Mums, I still wake up every morning and think "Mum how do I live this life without you?" - every morning I say this out loud to her. I cry, I talk to her through the tears and I feel pain ripping through my heart, then my dog distracts me for a moment, pressing his nose against my hand, letting me know its time for his breakfast. Then I get up and do the normal routine and the day begins and throughout the day I think of her all the time, I have moments of complete breakdown then I do something to distract me for a while and so it goes on, its surviving, its existing but I choose to keep going because I don't want to give up, partly because despite everything I want life to be worth living somehow, I know how much my Mum battled to live and showed such courage that I want to try and show the same courage too. 

In your very dark moments think of your daughters and think how if you left them, they would feel rudderless at the very start of their little lives, the thoughts of being without my Mum at a very young age doesn't bare to think about. I feel young to have lost my Mum and I am 48, and I do count my blessings I had my Mum for 47 years of my life. Your children will learn of your wonderful Mum and the bond you both had through the constant memories and stories you will share with them over the years. I don't think in some ways we ever feel we have grown up enough to lose our Mums, I don't but I know I'm 18 years older than you and if I had lost my Mum at 30 it would have been far more heartbreaking. Think in moments when you feel your struggling with parenting or anything, what your Mum would advise or say. You sound such a sensible person through your writing with such emotional intelligence, you are your Mother's daughter and nothing will ever take that away. 

Everything will feel like a terrible dream right now for you, its only been hours/days. Please give yourself time and reach out for whatever help your GP thinks would be suitable for you. You will find the strength to carry on I'm sure because you had the most amazing Mum that showed you her courage, strength and love. The same way your Mum continued to love and be there when your father passed away when you were 4 years of age (I'm so sorry you lost your Dad so very young) you will keep going for your children. Find time for you too. Take moments out to sit with your thoughts and your emotions. Your seeking help and support which shows you instinctively know what is needed for yourself right now. I wish I could help you more I really do because I can imagine myself even 10 years previously if I had lost my Mum and even now, its just the hardest situation. I felt unwell over Christmas and I just wanted my Mum, like a little girl wishing their Mum was there to hug and care for me. 

Jane x

Oh Jane, everything you say makes total sense. I actually re-read your message countless times yesterday when I felt worse and worse by the hour. Today feels different, I almost feel cried out for the time being. Funeral preparations etc are being talked about so it temporarily distracts me. I do feel like it's all a dream, and that I'll call her phone and she'll just pick up. Perhaps that still the shock talking.

I think whatever your 30 or 48 it makes no difference to the emotion you will feel. Both sides of the coin are hard for different reasons, particularly when you spent the last few years almost joined at the hip. You're having to relearn how to get through your day. For me I have been focused on my mum and caring/worrying/researching/encouraging for 4 years and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. 

I still haven't managed to get out of bed yet, I feel terrible but my kids aren't helping me get through this as much as I imagined they would. I look at them and I just feel sad that my mum won't be a part of their lives anymore. It's almost a constant reminder; she was there for their births and everything afterwards despite being on never ending treatments. And I just feel sorry for them. I don't know about you but I look forward to the evenings as soon as I wake up so that when I sleep I can be a bit free, all day it's a count down till the end of the day. 

I just can't fathom how to survive this right now, each minute of each day is so hard. I can't imagine a life where I can get through the day without feeling that unbearable pain and unable to breathe. But I'm taking your word for it that it can be done eventually with time. Everything you said is correct, my mum went through this when my dad died and she would never want my children to go through that like I did. I just feel so trapped in my own head, and selfishly want to end my own pain at the expense of others. Which is such a terrible thing to say xx