Hello,

I am so sorry for your loss of your Mum and how you are feeling. I am 10 weeks after losing my Mum to Covid pneumonia/incureable lung cancer. Your description of feeling so numb and in survival mode for the first few months is exactly how I have been feeling. I feel in denial. I have lived with my Mum on and off most of my life as when I moved to Scotland to start a business for 10 years she came up to visit and stayed on and off to help most of that time, when I returned to Devon my partner and I moved in with her and we stayed for the last 8 years. Unfortunately I was not able to have children and I know my Mum helped fill that huge gap in my life. The problem is now she has gone there is a massive part of my life gone forever. Mum was my best friend and my world so I understand your pain. 

I am sorry that the awfulness of losing your Mum has resulted in your hair loss. The immense devastation that bereavement brings into our lives often will cause physical problems. I have symptoms of vertigo right now (it started last year) so bad I struggle each day, I have no doubt this has become worse through how I feel about Mum. If I find any advice about hair loss I will pass it on to you. I am guessing you have spoken to your GP. Often the problem won't get better until we start to feel stronger in ourselves. Stress and heartbreak can really affect us physically. 

Your right in saying until someone has gone through similar they can't really understand. I am finding the friends I thought would be supportive were ok for the first few weeks now 10 weeks on and I haven't heard from some of them for weeks, that is not how I would show support to a friend that has lost their world. It's almost like they get bored of hearing that your not still ok. If someone asks me how I am, I say the truth. I am missing Mum more now as time goes on and I feel my life will never be the same, I am not the same person as before and I wont be. This changes you. I think some people just want you get over it and return to normal.

Since Mum died I have become almost obsessed with dying, death and a possible afterlife. I think worrying about your Dad is completely normal. You have lost your Mum and now you are scared to lose your Dad. These feelings are natural. Have you tried any Counselling? I am on a waiting list for Cruse. I know talking can help and coming here also helps.

I am older than you, I am 47. You are very young to lose your Mum and I am so sorry for this. I still feel young to lose my Mum at my age. 1 year after losing your Mum is still very early, what is 1 year when you lose someone so important to you? Its nothing in the length of our lifetime. Please don't think you should be feeling ok after this length of time, grief is different for everyone. Some people move forward and get back to some kind of normality quicker than others. Some people still feel the same years later. There are no standard timescales. All I know personally is that the loss of my Mum will affect me for life, I will never be that carefree happy Jane that I was when Mum was alive but I do hope in time (and no pressure when) I will find some happy times, I will find joy and think of Mum with a smile knowing she would be happy for me and I do hope beyond anything that after this life Mum and I will be reunited again, I am struggling with believing there is an afterlife but I hope there is. I just want to make Mum proud of me for what life I have left and I want to make the most of life like she did.

When I start to feel complete panic that I will never see her again I have to immediate distract myself, either start to do something, talk to my dog (he really helps me), go outside for some fresh air/maybe a walk, start to read a book, anything that takes my mind off the complete panic. I also talk out loud to my Mum and I ask her to help me stay strong. I hope you can find some support here with us too. Take very good care of yourself.

Hi, I lost my mum 3 months ago. It's such a difficult time, I think about her constantly, it's like I'm stuck, I dont know how to move forward. I find I feel a bit better when I'm busy but then its like I am avoiding my emotions. I'm starting some counselling in the next few weeks. My friends have been great but they have their own lifes and problems so lately I've been keeping my feelings to myself. At the moment I'm just try to take life one day at a time. I cant really believe she has gone, I dont know if I will ever get over her passing

Hi Louise,

Deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, sending you big hugs for me when mum first passed I was thinking how will I manage in life without her and getting myself incredibly overwhelmed thinking about the future and would make me very upset, I know it's far easier said than done but just focus on making it through the day, only look a day or so ahead.

if you are able to, find a small routine each day, nothing crazy even if it's at 10am you'll have a coffee or at 2pm you'll sit outside your back garden for 20 mins and get some fresh air. Very small manageable things make us feel slightly more in control of our days. I understand your friends have their lives but they are also your friends, if you need to talk reach out to them or write a message you'd send them in your notes, sometimes writing it down helps us process our thoughts. 
 

Not long after mum died my mind was doing 72826mph so I started to write what I was thinking in a notebook, didn't do it as often as I would have liked but when I did write I did feel more mental clarity. 
 

Reach out anytime if you need to unload x

Thanks for that, I'm going to try implementing little routines into my day . I'm also arranging meet ups with friends. I will try the journal writing, I can see how it might help. I am trying to take it a day at a time. I find when I think ahead, the thought of mum not being there is quite overwhelming! So trying to stick to just one day at a time. Thanks for the advice Hope your doing ok yourself, it's not easy xxx

Hey Chrissy,

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum, sending you big hugs. We are in a total state of shock after their passing and our bodies know how to best look after us by being in survival mode/denial, helps us gradually process it rather than hitting us all at once I found.

Your mum sounded like a superstar being there for you and with you throughout your life chapters. Mums are more than just mums, like you said best friends, as well as someone to hug and love us, confide in etc no matter what age we are we still look up to and need our mums which makes the hole they've left so much bigger.

I found the bodily symptoms From grief that started/ramped up a few months after mums passing were either existing or symptoms I get when I am stressed like hair loss, headaches, anxiety. I can't imagine how much the vertigo must effect your day, is there anything you can take or do to help lessen it? Fingers crossed it starts to subside soon. 
 

Totally agree with you where you said people expect you to return to how you were before... that version of us doesn't exist anymore it totally changes us! unfortunately life won't be like it was before, the grief will always be there but as we grow and life continues, life grows around the grief. Please kkow you can message anytime to unload.

Since mum passed I physically couldn't fathom that one minute someone is here and the next theyve died and gone forever, I still find it Mind boggling now. I'm really pleased you've reached out for counselling, I hope you aren't waiting too long until your session.

You're definitely making your mum proud now replying and helping other people on here going through the same scenario, even if it might not feel like it you're making a difference. It's incredibly hard wondering if you'll ever feel happy again, I know for me when I remember things mum did or said rather than cry sometimes I smile and laugh or smile and shed a few tears. Like you said there's no set time scale to healing.

Talking and cuddling with pets is one of the best remedies, they always know when you need a hug. 
 

thank you, make sure you take care of yourself too

Or even if you've been putting off tasks in your house like sorting your sock drawer or dusting the blinds, see if you can do one of those a few times a week... when you need to take your mind of something they become more appealing ! Plus gives you a small sense of accomplishment. 
 

 When I read my notebook back I find crazy to see how far I've come, it's very very very tough but you will get there. Glad you've got some things to look forward to with your friends. Thank you xxxx

Thank you so much for your kind reply. You brought a tear to my eye (ok maybe a few tears) when you said I'm making my mum proud now replying and helping other people on here. My Mum always use to praise me and I miss those kind words from her, when you said that it made me smile and they were happy tears. It really is mind boggling - death. I thought about it yesterday, its the most natural event in life, we will all leave this world yet when it happens to someone so close in your life it can feel the most insane, unnatural thing ever. The person you spent your life in close contact with, shared everything, talked to most days and then they are gone from our lives, thats it. Its brutal, its crazy and it has made me think about things so deeply such as dying, death and the possibility of an afterlife. One moment I am talking to my Mum then within a few hours I am watching her last breath. I am still processing this and I am still traumatised by some of it. It does help to know that we are not alone, others have shared our very experiences, our thinking and feelings. I get comfort from talking to people that know how I feel. I hope your doing ok today. Take care. 

Hi Purpleplant,

I am sorry about your loss, the loss of a mother is a huge loss and changes your life forever.

I lost my mum three months ago and it has been a hard and horrible loss. I was abroad when my mum was dying and was too late to say goodbye when I flew home from China (with covid, lockdown, borders closing and my elderly parents had their covid bubble) I wasn't able to see them for three years. All of it has been very very hard.

I was lucky in the sense that my mum had a good life and lived to a reasonable age and she did a lot of things and went to a lot of places. I was 50 when she left us. She told me (via Skype) to live my life and be happy and I felt it was important that I listened to her and respect her wishes as her eldest child.

Your loss is far worse than mine as I did have a long time with mum and it is about my age when you lose your parents - middle aged people have to prepare themselves mentally for the prospective loss of your parents - I have been preparing for this loss for the past ten years but I didn't think it would be cancer that took her, she never drank or smoked and always went to bed at the same time (10 pm) nothing to suggest that she would get lung cancer but that is what took her in the end and it is just ***.

How I make sense of it is this, in thirty years, I won't be here myself. I am 50 now and nothing in this life is permanent. Loss is a part of life and my mother experienced the loss of her parents thousands of miles away from her home country but she carried on to live her life, some hard times but mostly happy ones and I now believe she has reuntied with our family who have gone before her and who she dearly missed whilst she was here and most importantly, she is cancer free. I believe she is still here with us but in a different realm 'behind the door' as it were and I speak to her daily and I certinly don't feel alone - which helps.

Your loss is a hard one Purpleplant and I am sorry to hear about your loss and I am wishing you strength for the future. 

Hi Chrissy,

Hello again! I am sorry it isn't getting easier but then, this is one of the hardest losses we have to bear so I am hoping you are finding solace sometimes throughout the day.

I think with friends and accquaintances. They will make the right noises when you tell them for the first time but you can't expect too much from them - grieving is a personal thing and the grieving of lost ones belongs to the people who are doing the grieving, you can't share it out I have found and if you try to talk about the person you lost over any period of time, people will just stay away - even when it is the loss of your parents. 

How I see this is simple. One day, your friends will experience what you're now experiencing - nobody escapes that eventuality unless they go before their parents - they will have to grieve their parents and you will only be able to help them so much, say the right things and show your sorrow and then retreat and let them grieve the loss because that is the only thing you can do because the grieving of this loss will take months if not years. 

I know you are hurt by the reactions of your friends but I would suggest try and be forgiving and don't blame them too much - most of the time, they don't know what to say after the initial condelences and they probably feel helpless because there is nothing they can do to make you feel better and the pain to go away, so they stay away instead. I think it is more to do with their inadequacies in helping you feel better and to ease the pain and the fact that most people just aren't very good listeners, we all want to unload on people we class as our friends but I found that the only people we can talk about our loss to is the people sharing that loss - in my case, my 87 year old father. 

I am hoping you find your peace over the coming months and years. 

Hi,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but yes, I know exactly how you feel. I posted on here recently, as sometimes I don't feel as if I'm coping at all, and don't know if I shoud be feeling myself again after a year?

I lost both my parents, within 9 weeks, both unexpectedly, and was left in complete shock.

No matter our age, losing our parents suddenly has a huge impact, my hair fell out in handfuls too, and i've struggled to sleep and even eat some days.

I can be in the middle of reading, working, watching a film etc, and sudenly realise, I'm not actually concentrating on that, but thinking about my parents, and I've totally lost track of what I was supposed to be doing.

Don't feel you're alone, there are so many of us in the same situation. I'm just a year on, and while I no longer cry everyday, my thoughts are certainly on my parents a lot of the time everyday.

When we lose someone so quickly, it takes a huge toll on our bodies as we struggle to process what's happened, and I think hair loss is common in these shock situations.

Try to rest, take time out to just do anything that can make you happy for a while, I sit in the garden and listen to the birds, and have some lovely minature roses flowering that were a present from my Dad just before he died. 

I can't say it's easier this year, than when it happened, but I hope it will get easier in time.

It's so hard to get used to the people you always turned to, no longer being there.

I find these forums help, as you realise you're not the only one feeling like this. 

Sending hugs, you're not alone x