Hello UnderACloud

My heart goes out to you so much.  I am truly so sorry for the loss of both your parents in such a short space of time and all they and yourselves have been through.  To have all the restrictions with being with them and visitng with Covid on top is just beyond any words I could say.

I really have no words for all you have all been through.  You have nothing to feel guilty about nothing at all.  I hope someone comes along who can help you more.  I just wanted to say your not alone your in my thoughts, keep talking and reaching out,  Have you tried talking with Cruse Bereavement. 

I took up things that happened with my late husband's care after he passed away with PALS at the hospital he was treated.  They also put me in touch with our local Health Watch who helped me colate and put together questions I needed answers to and they also help with the replies and whether or not they have addressed concerns or whether they go on and assist in helping you take matters to the PHSO - Parliamentary and Health Service Ombudsman.

Sending you huge hugs so sorry for your loss take care of you too xx

Hello. and first of all may I say how truly sorry I am for your losses.  I took care of my mum when she was dying of cancer and when she finally had to go in to hospital, she was very near to the end.  Me and my sisters got the call from the hospital that her time was near, and we got there a few minutes too late.......mum had died before we could say goodbye to her.   With my Dad, we had not spoken for many years, we had always had a difficult father/daughter relationship, and just by chance, we were re-united 6 weeks before he died.  The same thing again.  Me and my sisters got the call from the hospital and we were too late.   Even now, all these years later, I still feel like an orphan.  The guilt you are feeling is part of the grieving process, and so is the anger.  You are still in shock that both of your parents went so quickly and your traumatised mind is still trying to process it.  If you read your post, you wil see that there was nothing you could have done any differently.  A chain of terrible circumstances resulted in you not being there when your parents died, and that's how it often happens........it is circumstances beyond our control.  You say you can not understand why your dad became ill so quickly, but sadly, this is how cancer happens sometimes.......you can be ill, diagnosed and dead from cancer within weeks, and I have heard of cases where it has happened in days.  Such is the un-predictability of this horrendous disease.  You say that your parents were together for 60 years, and I remember a Doctor telling me during my own treatment for cancer that there is sometimes a link between trauma and cancer........do you think that maybe the awful trauma that your dad felt in losing his love of 60 years may have 'triggered' the cancer?  I have actually seen this in my own family.  When my Aunt lost her daughter in a car crash, she became ill with cancer not long after and died.  Have you thought about grief counselling?  Your GP could arrange this for you.  My cousin had grief counselling when her father died and she told me that it really did help.  Of course, nothing can bring back our loved ones, but sometimes just talking about them to a trained professional can help tremendously.  You are still in the very early days of your grieving.  This november will be 25 years since my mum died (I was still quite young when I lost her) and in the same month, it will be 19 years since my dad died.........and I still miss them.  But that terrible raw pain is no longer there.  I PROMISE you, that you reach a point of acceptance and whilst you will never 'get over' your loss, you WILL get through it.  When we lose those we love, it leaves a hole in our lives that no-one else can fill, but you learn to live with it and you learn to start enjoying life again.  Sadly there are no short cuts on this journey of grief, but like I said, you will get through it, and please remember, there is nothing different you could have done different........you did all that you could, and no-one can do more than that.  Take care, Violet, x 

So sorry to read about your double tragedy.

Please don't blame yourself for any of this. So many people with parents in care homes and hospital are in similar situations and can do nothing about it.

This may be an insensitive question but has the cause of your Dad's death been formally given? I ask because some people die with cancer, rather than from it. It may well be that your Dad died peacefully in his sleep from something else entirely. 

Best wishes

Dave

Hello Leigh,

Thank you so much for your answer, and I'm so sorry for your loss too. It's a comfort to hear from others and know I'm not alone.

I've been unable to get any help from my GP, just a phone consultation 5 days after my initial call, and after a very brief chat, he gave me a prescription for 5 tablets, to help me sleep.

These thoughts and questions I have, just don't stop, I can be in the middle of any task, and sudddenly I'm thinking about Dad again, and did I let him down? He was always so caring to other people, his neighbours, animals,  (he cared for all the local wildlife)  he didn't deserve to be alone, but I know he wouldn't want me to be torturing myself.

I may contact Cruse, and I've thought about trying to get some more information from the hospital. They did contact me shortly after Dads death and asked if I'd like them to do a post mortem, but I was in such a state, I couldn't even think about that, and said no.

I really appreciate your advice. It helps to talk to others, who've been through similar.

Hugs to you xxx

Hello Violet,

Thank you for your reply. I'd just written a long reply back to you, but the page froze and then disappeared!  

I'm sorry for your losses too..  

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like an orphan. It's such an emptyness, and all those special times such as Birthdays and Christmas, no longer feel the same. My Birthday was very soon after Dads death, but I had a sense of sadness all day. 

I still expect the phone to ring, as Dad called me everyday while Mum was ill, sometimes more than once. We'd constantly talk about 'After the pandemic' the things we'd do, getting back to normal, but of course for us and other families, there's no 'after the pandemic'. Two precious years lost, stolen, irreplacable. Things haven't gone back to normal. Everything feels very different..  

You're no doubt right that after losing Mum, having been married for 60 years, Dad perhaps wanted to give up, and his body didn't want to fight any longer. I really don't think he realised he was ill though?

He'd always been very fit for his age, and was forever helping other people, getting neighbours shopping for them, picking up their prescriptions etc

Perhaps the grief of losing Mum just hastened his illness?

 The hospital did contact me days after Dad's death to ask if I'd like them to do a post mortem. Perhaps I should have said yes, but I was in such a state, not thinking clearly and said no.. 

It wouldn't have changed anything, but may have given me some answers 

I really appreciate the advice, and talking does help.

Such a pretty name Violet, my daugher and I were only talking about Violets yesterday, we both love them, and have them in the garden. 

I think about Mum and Dad while I'm gardening, and wish they were here. They both enjoyed gardening, and Dad still pruned his roses and planted hanging baskets last year. I brought them home, and have kept them going, little pansies, which survived the winter amazingly!  

Take care Violet  xx

Hello Dave,

It's been the worst 2 years for so many people. It almost doesn't feel real, none of us could have forseen how much everything would change?

For Mum, going into a care home, was a decision we regretted, as Mum having dementia, didn't understand the pandemic. I spoke to her all the time, and sent her cards and presents, but she'd get very tearful and ask why no one was visiting.

Mum and Dad, having been married for 60 years, spent their last year apart, it's not something we would have done, knowing the outcome. We imagined everything would be back to normal quite soon, but of course that didn't happen..

Dad was only in hospital just over a week when he died. He wasn't on a drip, pain relief or anything when he was there.. The hospital did offer a post mortem, but I was in such a state, I declined. 

Dad's death certificate said Metastatic cancer. None of our grandparents died from cancer, they all lived very long lives, I don't know if its become more common now, but it seems that way to me? 

 I always had the impression in hospital, that you're constantly monitered, woken up for blood pressure checks etc, but that didn't seem to have been the case. No time of death? Just a vague in the night?.  I do hope, as you said, that Dad just went to sleep peacefully, and wasn't aware.

It helps talking to others.

Take care xx.

Hey

I'm really sorry you've lost both parents in such a short space of time.

I only wanted to say that I feel the same.

I missed my dad by an hour or so because I went home to make a sandwich (no food in hospices). It haunts me. So you're not alone.

Xxx

Hi. I'm so sorry for your losses, how awful to lose both your parents and to see them go through such horrors, especially during COVID. I am so sorry xx

I lost my dad in the middle of the first COVID wave, there was no visiting which was hard and eventually he wasn't able to talk on the phone so he was all on his own. This left me feeling really upset and guilty that I couldn't be there with him in the end. I felt cheated and I imagine you must be feeling that way as well right now.

I want you to know that you aren't responsible and should not feel any guilt at all. You did your best, you cared and your parents both knew that. They wouldn't want you feeling bad about it, just like my dad wouldn't want me to feel that way.

I know it's hard. But please don't beat yourself up over this. COVID sucks and it's cost a lot of people a lot of final moments with loved ones. 

Wishing you the best

Pigtails xx 

I don't think it has anything to do with 'depth of feeling' how people react to a loss of a parent. We all hurt and grieve but of course it differs from person to person. I am getting through it with my belief of she is with me still but in a more spiritual form, I truly believe she hasn't gone and she is now with her family whilst looking over us and looking after us. 

If I thought she was truly gone and was now dust in the ground then I would be inconsolable but I don't believe that for one second therefore, I know I will see her again.

It is just a belief I strongly hold, others might not and may think that's the end and they will never see their loved ones again. No belief is right or wrong at this moment in time as neither side of the debate knows what happens after we leave this mortal coil but I believe that we go onto another dimension and that's helping. I would rather my mum was with me but at the same time, she is now free of cancer and free of all the *** ailments that came with it which is a good thing as I still think she is amongst us.