Hello. and first of all may I say how truly sorry I am for your losses.  I took care of my mum when she was dying of cancer and when she finally had to go in to hospital, she was very near to the end.  Me and my sisters got the call from the hospital that her time was near, and we got there a few minutes too late.......mum had died before we could say goodbye to her.   With my Dad, we had not spoken for many years, we had always had a difficult father/daughter relationship, and just by chance, we were re-united 6 weeks before he died.  The same thing again.  Me and my sisters got the call from the hospital and we were too late.   Even now, all these years later, I still feel like an orphan.  The guilt you are feeling is part of the grieving process, and so is the anger.  You are still in shock that both of your parents went so quickly and your traumatised mind is still trying to process it.  If you read your post, you wil see that there was nothing you could have done any differently.  A chain of terrible circumstances resulted in you not being there when your parents died, and that's how it often happens........it is circumstances beyond our control.  You say you can not understand why your dad became ill so quickly, but sadly, this is how cancer happens sometimes.......you can be ill, diagnosed and dead from cancer within weeks, and I have heard of cases where it has happened in days.  Such is the un-predictability of this horrendous disease.  You say that your parents were together for 60 years, and I remember a Doctor telling me during my own treatment for cancer that there is sometimes a link between trauma and cancer........do you think that maybe the awful trauma that your dad felt in losing his love of 60 years may have 'triggered' the cancer?  I have actually seen this in my own family.  When my Aunt lost her daughter in a car crash, she became ill with cancer not long after and died.  Have you thought about grief counselling?  Your GP could arrange this for you.  My cousin had grief counselling when her father died and she told me that it really did help.  Of course, nothing can bring back our loved ones, but sometimes just talking about them to a trained professional can help tremendously.  You are still in the very early days of your grieving.  This november will be 25 years since my mum died (I was still quite young when I lost her) and in the same month, it will be 19 years since my dad died.........and I still miss them.  But that terrible raw pain is no longer there.  I PROMISE you, that you reach a point of acceptance and whilst you will never 'get over' your loss, you WILL get through it.  When we lose those we love, it leaves a hole in our lives that no-one else can fill, but you learn to live with it and you learn to start enjoying life again.  Sadly there are no short cuts on this journey of grief, but like I said, you will get through it, and please remember, there is nothing different you could have done different........you did all that you could, and no-one can do more than that.  Take care, Violet, x 

Hello. and first of all may I say how truly sorry I am for your losses.  I took care of my mum when she was dying of cancer and when she finally had to go in to hospital, she was very near to the end.  Me and my sisters got the call from the hospital that her time was near, and we got there a few minutes too late.......mum had died before we could say goodbye to her.   With my Dad, we had not spoken for many years, we had always had a difficult father/daughter relationship, and just by chance, we were re-united 6 weeks before he died.  The same thing again.  Me and my sisters got the call from the hospital and we were too late.   Even now, all these years later, I still feel like an orphan.  The guilt you are feeling is part of the grieving process, and so is the anger.  You are still in shock that both of your parents went so quickly and your traumatised mind is still trying to process it.  If you read your post, you wil see that there was nothing you could have done any differently.  A chain of terrible circumstances resulted in you not being there when your parents died, and that's how it often happens........it is circumstances beyond our control.  You say you can not understand why your dad became ill so quickly, but sadly, this is how cancer happens sometimes.......you can be ill, diagnosed and dead from cancer within weeks, and I have heard of cases where it has happened in days.  Such is the un-predictability of this horrendous disease.  You say that your parents were together for 60 years, and I remember a Doctor telling me during my own treatment for cancer that there is sometimes a link between trauma and cancer........do you think that maybe the awful trauma that your dad felt in losing his love of 60 years may have 'triggered' the cancer?  I have actually seen this in my own family.  When my Aunt lost her daughter in a car crash, she became ill with cancer not long after and died.  Have you thought about grief counselling?  Your GP could arrange this for you.  My cousin had grief counselling when her father died and she told me that it really did help.  Of course, nothing can bring back our loved ones, but sometimes just talking about them to a trained professional can help tremendously.  You are still in the very early days of your grieving.  This november will be 25 years since my mum died (I was still quite young when I lost her) and in the same month, it will be 19 years since my dad died.........and I still miss them.  But that terrible raw pain is no longer there.  I PROMISE you, that you reach a point of acceptance and whilst you will never 'get over' your loss, you WILL get through it.  When we lose those we love, it leaves a hole in our lives that no-one else can fill, but you learn to live with it and you learn to start enjoying life again.  Sadly there are no short cuts on this journey of grief, but like I said, you will get through it, and please remember, there is nothing different you could have done different........you did all that you could, and no-one can do more than that.  Take care, Violet, x 

Hello Violet,

Thank you for your reply. I'd just written a long reply back to you, but the page froze and then disappeared!  

I'm sorry for your losses too..  

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like an orphan. It's such an emptyness, and all those special times such as Birthdays and Christmas, no longer feel the same. My Birthday was very soon after Dads death, but I had a sense of sadness all day. 

I still expect the phone to ring, as Dad called me everyday while Mum was ill, sometimes more than once. We'd constantly talk about 'After the pandemic' the things we'd do, getting back to normal, but of course for us and other families, there's no 'after the pandemic'. Two precious years lost, stolen, irreplacable. Things haven't gone back to normal. Everything feels very different..  

You're no doubt right that after losing Mum, having been married for 60 years, Dad perhaps wanted to give up, and his body didn't want to fight any longer. I really don't think he realised he was ill though?

He'd always been very fit for his age, and was forever helping other people, getting neighbours shopping for them, picking up their prescriptions etc

Perhaps the grief of losing Mum just hastened his illness?

 The hospital did contact me days after Dad's death to ask if I'd like them to do a post mortem. Perhaps I should have said yes, but I was in such a state, not thinking clearly and said no.. 

It wouldn't have changed anything, but may have given me some answers 

I really appreciate the advice, and talking does help.

Such a pretty name Violet, my daugher and I were only talking about Violets yesterday, we both love them, and have them in the garden. 

I think about Mum and Dad while I'm gardening, and wish they were here. They both enjoyed gardening, and Dad still pruned his roses and planted hanging baskets last year. I brought them home, and have kept them going, little pansies, which survived the winter amazingly!  

Take care Violet  xx