I'm in a state of grief and anxiety, but awful guilt after the passing of both my parents within 9 weeks of each other.

My Mum went into a care home during the first Covid lockdown. I didn't live close to my parents, and Dad struggled to care for Mum, who had dementia and osteoporosis. Obviously, during the lockdown, I was unable to visit mum, and Dad was only allowed to see her on the few occasions that the care home allowed. When she had been in the home for around  10 months, we were phoned to say she was jaundiced. She was then diagnosed with cancer. I phoned her all the time, but it was very hard, as she didn't understand why on one was visiting, and obviously she'd quickly forget about the pandemic.

I asked the home over and over if I could visit Mum, but was told, that wouldn't be allowed until she was at 'End of Life'

Around 6 weeks after Mums diagnosis, I had a call to say I could visit. Mum was so frail, and jaundiced I hardly recognised her, she was sleeping, and barely conscious.. She opened her eyes a few times when I was there, but clearly didn't recognise me, and couldn't speak. She passed away 2 weeks later, Dad was allowed to be with her.. 

Dad was understandably devastated when Mum went. He felt guilty that she had been in a care home for the last 11 months of her life. I helped him arrange the funeral, which was beautiful, and we spent a lot of time speaking on the phone. I told him he could have done nothing differently, but he constantly blamed himself for not being able to care for Mum in her last months. They had been married for 60 years. He carriied on doing his weekly shopping, and also getting shopping and prescriptions for neighbours as he always had. He was always helping people out, and apart from teling me he was tired, he seemed to be his usual self.

He'd mentioned he was speaking to his Dr about his tiredness, and he'd been put on antidepressants. During this time he wasn't given a face to face appointment, only phone consultations. He then told me he was losing weight, which I was concerned about, but really his tiredness and lack of appetite seemed to be exactly how I was feeling after losing Mum, and i'm sure is a common symptom of grief.

We had planned a visit at the end of May, My husband and I were going to see Dad, and if he wanted to, he was going to come and stay with us for a few weeks. Unfortunately I then went down with a horrible cough and sore throat, so had to cancel at the last minute, A couple of days later I phoned him, and he sounded terrible, his voice was very weak, and I was very concerned he needed to see his Dr. 

His GP saw Dad the next day and took blood tests, he was anaemic, and quickly admitted to hospital for tests. I was called and told I wouldn't be able to see Dad until they finished doiing all the tests, and would have to arrange a visit, on my own, as covid restrictions were still in place. Dad was only allowed one visitor a day, so my Sister saw him one day, and I saw him a day later. We were given the awful news that Dad had cancer. In fact between the day that my Sister saw Dad, and I saw him he had become jaundiced. The young Dr explained Dad had bowel cancer. We were all shocked to the core, having only just lost Mum 8 weeks before to a sudden cancer diagnosis. 

Dad hadn't said he was in any pain, he wasn't on morphine or any treatment as Mum had been? I asked the Dr his prognosis, and she said he had months to live without treatment, or longer if he agreed to treatment, which he didn't appear to want. I was told he didn't need hospice care yet. He wasn't at the 'End of life' he could go home with carers, or go to a care home. None of this came about, as 2 days after I'd seen Dad, he passed away in the night, at the weekend. We were called early on Sunday morning to say Dad had gone, but they didn't even know what time, surely someone should have notified us he was so poorly, so we could have been with him? I can't get over not being with Dad. Was he suffering calling for us, for a nurse? Does no one check on patients in the night? I can't forget my last phonecall to Dad, when I told him I'd be back in a few days, but by then he was gone? 

I have tremendous guilt I wasn't with either of my parents, my anxiety is the worst it's been. I'm in constant turmoil, and have cried so much over the last year. It's not getting better, there are too may unanswered questions. I go over it in my head all the time. There are so many if onlys. My husband has to put up with wet shoulders everyday.

.Mum and Dads funerals were only 9 weeks apart. We saw the same people who'd helped us arrange Mums funeral. They too were shocked. Dad had looked so well, and no one had seen any signs he was so ill? 

Nothing can bring Dad back, but why were there so few signs he was ill, and why didn't the hospital realise he was so poorly?  I would have stayed by his side, had I known. I feel we were let down.