My mum passed away this january after a diagnosis of GIST cancer in June 2020, She seemed absolutely fine and still so full of life right up until a month before she passed when she started to show signs of fatigue. It rapidly spiralled from that point, She went from a ridiculously intelligent and funny, confident woman, to losing most of her mobility and becoming extremely confused in the space of a few days, to the point of finding it hard to place me / remember her own name.
She had fleeting moments of lucidity which i cherish now, She was taken into hospital a fortnight before and called me after 6 days there crying , saying she cant bare the thought of me needing her and she cant be there.

due to covid restrictions i wasn't allowed to visit her until 2 days before her passing. By that point she was pretty much out of it aside from around 10 seconds where she looked at me and said i look like her daughter.

i sat with her, refusing to eat or sleep for 48 hours until her breathing slowed, and after hours of agitation and discomfort, she went.

That was the 28th of january and i only returned to work this week as i've been a mess. I have no brothers of sisters..No dad.
No children, and me and my partner split not long after.
Every post i see here people seem to have something that keeps them going, like children. And i am finding it ridiculously hard. I wouldn't be lying if i said i was suicidal. I have always struggled with depression and an eating disorder for the best part of 15 years (28 now) which i have relapsed with massively. She was my main support and absolute rock in any time of stress or upset and i cannot cope with the thought i'll never see her again.

We've always been close, just me and her, and the best of friends. our replationship was very special and noted by all who knew us. I feel like my soul left my body with hers and it hurts so much every day, i cry everytime i smell her on something or see something on tv she'd like, or if i talk about it too much.

I feel like a shell of the person i was really and i know the few friends i do have will probably end up at a loss when it comes to me because i'm so flaky and distant. I just dont want to "do life" if she isnt around, marriage, kids, all that stuff, i just do not want without her in the picture (not that i was fixed on those things anyway)

I just feel horrible and have a physical pain in my chest all day and getting through work is exhausting.

I dont know how the hell i can carry on like this i just want to join her honestly